Frank: In Touch? Why would you read that crap?
Dennis: We are trying to stay in touch with what's happening in the world.
Dee: Yeah, I'm sorry if we like to keep ourselves informed.

Dennis: (to Frank) Dude, nobody gets their news from a newspaper anymore.
Dee: Ah, no, no, no. But, Dennis, look—"Plutonium smuggled into Syria." That's gonna change my life drastically!
Dennis: Oh, that's gonna change everyone's lives. No one can go to Syria anymore for vacation.

Charlie: Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude?
Mac: See, that was real news.
Charlie: Yeah, we didn't distort facts. We told it like it was, you know?
Mac: Yes.
Dennis: Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.
Mac: Well, that was what was happening.
Charlie: That's what was going on in the world, man!

Dennis: You don't even have to do anything anymore to be famous.
Dee: No, look at Paris Hilton. She's just a dirty drunken whore.
Dennis: You could be famous for being a dirty drunk whore. You're a dirty drunk whore already.

Mac: Lots of shady shit goes down in nursing homes, Frank, OK? These places are like prisons.
Frank: Like people getting ass raped?
Charlie: What? Oh, my God, dude. No one's getting ass raped, Frank. Come on, man.
Mac: No, it's that people don't wanna be here, because they feel like they've been—
Frank: Because they're getting ass raped.

Irvene: (explaining what "really goes on" in the nursing home) Well, I get up around five, five thirty if it's bingo the night before. Then I eat breakfast. I like to have fruit.
Carl: She steals the grapes!
Irvene: I do not!
Carl: Check her purse!
Charlie: Don't interrupt!

Mac: Is there anything that you wanna tell the world, Irvene?
Irvene: My grandson's birthday's on Friday.
Mac: No, no. Is there anything about this place that you don't like?
Irvene: (pauses to think) The blacks.
Mac: Cut!

(a guy starts coughing)
Frank: A pandemic!
Charlie: Bird flu! Bird flu!
Mac: I think he's choking, guys.

Bouncer: You on the list?
Dee: (laughs) List? I don't need to be on that list, you idiot, you piece of dirt. Who are you? I step on you. I clean you off of my shoes at night. I step on you, and then I throw away the shoe, and that shoe that I just threw away? That's worth more than your worthless life, mister. And I'm pissed because I loved that shoe, you dirt, you piece of subhuman shit.
Dennis: Whoa, whoa, Dee. Take it easy, all right?
Dee: Oh, you know what? I'm not gonna take it easy because this talking dump of a bouncer is starting to get on my nerves. I'm gonna have you fired, dickhole. Do you know who I am? Do you have an idea, or is your brain too tiny to have ideas? Is there any kind of thought roaming around in that thick shit skull of yours?
Bouncer: (to Dennis) You with her?
Dennis: No.

Charlie: (referring to the kittens) You save them!
Mac: I save them from what?
Frank: (pauses) Uh...
Mac: Are you gonna set the building on fire?
Frank: No...
Mac: Charlie, are you gonna set the building on fire?
Charlie: Yes.
Mac: Goddamn it.

Dee: You set me on fire!
Frank: We set the building on fire. You just happened to catch on fire.

Mac: Hey, what if we set up like a conveyor belt situation, right? Put the cats on that and at the end of it, a chopping mechanism.
Charlie: (excitedly) Aw, yeah! Let's chop cats! Let's chop cats!
Mac: No, we don't actually chop the cats. We—Dee grabs them before they get chopped.
Charlie: Well, we'll chop a couple cats, just so you know it's real.

Dennis: Hey, listen, ladies. This is my sister. Notice how disgustingly skinny she is. Isn't it weird?
Club Girl: Oh, my God. You are like crack skinny!

Frank: In Touch? Why would you read that crap?
Dennis: We are trying to stay in touch with what's happening in the world.
Dee: Yeah, I'm sorry if we like to keep ourselves informed.

In Touch Weekly is a magazine that focuses on celebrity gossip.

Dennis: You don't even have to do anything anymore to be famous.
Dee: No, look at Paris Hilton. She's just a dirty drunken whore.

Paris Hilton is a dirty drunken whore. When she's not getting filmed having sex, Hilton "sings" and "acts."

Mac: And you know what happens with Tokyo drifting. It leads to bickering, which of course leads to karate.
Charlie: Right, which eventually will lead to dudes flying from, like, window to window and treetop to treetop—
Mac: Shooting lightning bolts out of their fingers.
Charlie: Yeah, there's the guy who shoots the lightning bolts out of his hands! He wears a big straw hat and he—and he does that move. His eyes go all white and shit, and Kurt Russell fights him.

This is a reference to the '80s film Big Trouble in Little China. Kurt Russell plays truck driver Jack Burton. When his friend's fiancee gets abducted, the two race after her captors and follow them down an alleyway in San Francisco's Chinatown. A fight breaks out around them between two rival gangs. During this, three guys in over-sized straw hats appear and shoot lightning out of their hands. However, the guy whose eyes "go all white and shit" is their leader, Lo Pan, a sorcerer who has been cursed.