Dennis: Oh, wow, dude. This thing is disgusting.
Mac: Well, there's so much rust. Maybe we should wipe it with a wet rag.
Dennis: What? I'm not gonna do that.
Mac: Why not?
Dennis: Because it's a goddamn circuit breaker, Mac. We'll get electrocuted.

Dennis: I'm just gonna use this screwdriver, all right? It's got a rubber handle. That'll keep me grounded.
Mac: No, I'm pretty sure you have to be standing on rubber.
Dennis: Well, the bottoms of my shoes are rubber.
Mac: Oh, no! You know what it is? You can't be standing on the ground at all. Maybe you should jump up into midair and do it.
Dennis: Hm?
Mac: Yeah, if you jump into the air and grab a live wire, you won't get electrocuted, but then if you land on the ground, and you're still holding that wire, you'll be blown to bits. I saw it in Tango & Cash.
Dennis: So I'm supposed to risk my life based on something that you saw in the movie Tango & Cash?
Mac: Kurt Russell did it.

Frank: Well, get Charlie to do it.
Mac: He won't go near the thing. He's already been electrocuted like five hundred times.
Dennis: Yeah, man. I think he's starting to catch on to that.
Frank: All right, Dennis, go get me a harness 'cause I'm gonna have to be swinging in the air to do this.
Dennis: Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?
Mac: I told you. I told you.

Dennis: So I think what you're saying, Sweet Dee, is that we could use the unsolvable drug problem in our society to fix the solvable light problem in our bar.
Charlie: Absolutely, I hear you. We're saying we're gonna do the drugs, and then we're gonna try and fix all the lights.
Mac: No, Charlie didn't understand that. Why don't you rewind and...
Dennis: That's asinine. Yeah, we're gonna flip the drugs, make a bunch of money, use that money to fix the electricity.
Charlie: All right, well, both ways work. I kind of like my way better.

Charlie: (trying to sell the cocaine) Uh, well, listen, Bingo, we got a bucket of nose clams fresh from the sea, sweet delicious nose clams that are looking for a home, if you follow me.
Dee: Nose clams?
Bingo: No, I don't follow you. I don't know what the hell you're talking about right now.
Dee: I don't follow you either, Charlie.

Charlie: OK, these are the kinds of nose clams that you crush up into a line of white powder, and you snort them up through your nose, and they make you high. You use a dollar bill or a straw to do it. They come from Colombia. They're illegal. And they rhyme with propane!
Dee: Perfect. You found a perfect medium ground there.
Bingo: So you wanna sell me cocaine?
Charlie: Yes.
Bingo: Why didn't you just come out and say that?
Charlie: Because that is so tacky.

(Charlie and Dee find out that they got severely shortchanged for their drugs)
Charlie: I asked for more money.
Dee: What?
Charlie: Yes, I did.
Dee: No, you didn't!
Charlie: I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?
Dee: (to Dennis) He said to the man he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.

Dennis: We are going to get whacked off by a bunch off—
Charlie: Did they say that? Did they say they were gonna whack us off?
Dennis: They probably wanted to whack us all off!
Dee: Now hold on! Nobody's gonna get whacked off today, OK?

Dee: OK, but think about it this way. If we split it, it's only a few hundred dollars each.
Mac: Let me just go grab my cash from my money tree—
Dennis: Hang on a second, I know a leprechaun who has a pot of gold. Do you see, he lives at the end of my street.
Charlie: Maybe I'll go to a bank and say, "Hello, do I have an account here?"
Mac: Call Donald Trump!
Dee: How do three men in their thirties not have eight hundred dollars between them?

Frank: You're gonna have to turn a trick or two, go into prostitution.
Dee: You are disgusting. How could you sugge—I am absolutely not doing that!
Frank: I wasn't talking about you. Guys at those country clubs get hotter broads than you.
Dennis: I would think, yeah.

Frank: I was saying the male escort is really hard to come by.
Charlie: Mm, I'm picking up what you're putting down. I'll do it.
Frank: Uh, Charlie, you're not quite cut from the right cloth.
Charlie: What?
Mac: OK, make it me.
Frank: Mac, you're too low class. All those women are gonna think they're gonna catch something from you.
Charlie: They are.
Mac: (laughing) They will.

Charlie: Holy shit, did you guys see that midget dressed like a lawn jockey?
Dee: That's a jockey, Charlie.
Charlie: Do what, now?
Dennis: That's a real jockey.
(Charlie shrugs, confused)
Mac: The ones that ride on the horses—never—forget it.
Dee: Really?
Charlie: Wait, wait, wait, wait. They have horses here?
Dennis: There's a racetrack next door, dude.
Charlie: Bye-bye. (walks away)

Buster: She's a real beaut, ain't she?
Charlie: Holy shit, you can talk.
Buster: What?
Charlie: That is great. I would have figured, if anything, your voice would be like super high.

Charlie: Man, these guys are crazy. I can't believe they bought all my pills.
Buster: Ah, you know what they say: nobody parties like a jockey!
Charlie: I was not familiar with that expression, Buster. I didn't even know you guys could talk.

Charlie: I think, maybe, I was a centaur in my past life.
Buster: Well, something tells me you probably were never half man, half horse, but hell, what do I know? All I know is, you got a great attitude. So come on, you old son of a gun, and—and let Buster do a line off your boner.
(Charlie inhales sharply and leaves)

Dennis: I will be providing a very important service, however, as what I would like to be called ... a handsome companion.
Mac: To dudes?
Charlie: To guys or...
Dennis: No, not to dudes. To—no, hang on. Hold on. Hang on. To old fancy rich ladies who want to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me.
Mac: Great, Dennis, you keep banging dudes.

Mac: Well, ever since your alleged "package" came into my bar, I may or may not have had absolutely nothing to do with it.
Lefty: Did or you didn't?
Mac: I did.
Anthony: You did have something to do with it.
Mac: No, no, I did have absolutely nothing to do with it.
Anthony: You just said you did have something to do with it.
Johnny: That's what I heard. I heard that.
Mac: I think I said I did have absolutely nothing to do with it.
Anthony: You said.
Mac: Are you sure? 'Cause see, the thing is, when you use a double negative, it becomes something completely different.

Mac: Yeah, if you jump into the air and grab a live wire, you won't get electrocuted, but then if you land on the ground, and you're still holding that wire, you'll be blown to bits. I saw it in Tango & Cash.

Tango & Cash is a film starring Sylvester Stallone as Tango and Kurt Russell as Cash, two cops who can't stand each other. When the two are framed for murder and imprisoned, they must work together to clear their names. Cash is mildly certain that if you only touch one wire and don't touch the ground, you're safe. They prove this by sliding down an electrical cable and surviving.

(after finding out they need to cough up a few hundred dollars each)
Mac: Call Donald Trump!

Donald Trump is insanely rich. His net worth is currently three billion dollars.