Ratings: 2.3 million viewers

Frank: What the hell is that?
Mac: It's a baby we found in the trash.
Frank: Well, put it back. It doesn't belong to you.

Dennis: You know, it's time we started taking responsibility for the refuse we're creating.
Charlie: Oh, my God, dude. Are you still harping on that stupid global heating movie you saw?
Dennis: Global warming, Charlie.
Charlie: Yeah, right. Like the Earth is magically getting hotter.

Mac: Clearly this is not the right environment for a child. I will take care of the Dumpster baby until we figure out what to do with it. Dee, you're helping me.
Dee: What? No, I'm not.
Mac: See what's happening here? You see this? Family values in this country are going down the toilet, and it's because of people like you. Men and women raising a child together is a proven system a thousand years old. There are parental roles that need to be filled here, right? Otherwise, the kid winds up roaming the streets, having unprotected sex with multiple partners, sharing needles, and contracting the HIV virus, and it's all your fault. Are you happy, Dee? Is this what you wanted? You just gave this baby full-blown AIDS.

Charlie: (stumbling excitedly down a pile of trash with a giant sword in his hand) Can you believe this thing, man? It's a—
Frank: Charlie! Charlie, get down!
Charlie: (yells) This is amazing! Look at this! Bro, you could chop a camel right in the hump and drink all of its milk right off—right off the tip of this thing, man.
Frank: That is a find, man!
Charlie: Bro, you can't—this is an Ali Baba sword, dude.
Frank: That's spectacular!

(the baby cries suddenly)
Mac: Already with this?
Dee: I didn't do it.
Mac: Already with this?
Dee: I didn't do anything.
Mac: I come home to a crying baby?

Charlie: I can't sleep, dude. It's impossible. My mind's going like a mile a minute here.
Frank: Well, stop thinking about it. I'm not your father. Now go to sleep.
Charlie: No, dude, it's not that. I'm thinking about something completely different.
Frank: It's the trash, isn't it?
Charlie: It's the sweet, sweet trash.

(Charlie and Frank rummage through the trash)
Charlie: (holds up a stereo) Look at this thing right here, dude. Put this in a plastic bag, and boom, shower radio, buddy.

Mac: And who have better lives than child stars?
Dee: Nobody.
Mac: Nobody! Rich, famous, they have it all!
Dee: Oh, my God! They're the happiest people on Earth!

Mac: (to the tan clerk about the baby) We just wanna put him in there for a couple of minutes.
Dee: Just to get a base.
Mac: Just to get a base.

Charlie's Mom: I had an abortion. It just didn't take.
Charlie: Wh—What does that mean?
Charlie's Mom: (happily) It means you survived it. You survived the abortion!

Mac: (about the baby) Nope, his skin needs to be darker, Dee.
Dee: Yeah, I know. We're just gonna paint this bronzing lotion on him.
Mac: Shoe polish.
Dee: Shoe polish?
Mac: Shoe polish.
Dee: Shoe polish on a baby? You are such an idiot. That's gonna look stupid and smell like shit.
Mac: We'll see.

Dee: (discovering the baby is gone) Somebody came in and took him?
Mac: There's a note! There's a note!
Dee: (reading) "Taked baby. Meet at later bar night or day sometime."
Mac and Dee: Charlie.

Charlie: (shouting at the people in the coffee shop as he leaves) You threw your babies away. And you threw your swords away. You threw your golf clubs and your tasty treats. And you know what? I found them. And I'm gonna raise all of 'em!

Dee: Inconvenient Truth is not about the end of the world.

The movie that Dennis and Dee discuss, An Inconvenient Truth, is a documentary by Al Gore. It explains the effects of and solutions to the global warming crisis.

Charlie: (holding a giant sword) This is an Ali Baba sword, dude.

Ali Baba is a fictional character from the book The Book of One Thousand and One Nights. He is specifically mentioned in the story "Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves."

Sage: Look, bro, just 'cause you come in here with your Birkenstocks and your Phish t-shirt doesn't mean you're devoted.

Phish is a rock band that began in the early '80s. For whatever reason, the band is popular among (dirty) hippies.

Charlie: I'd like to know whether or not I share a bed with my father.
Frank: I'm telling you. I am not your father!

In the season two finale, "Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad," we learn that Frank and Charlie's mom had a one-night stand thirty years ago.

Charlie: (to the waitress) Look who it is, huh? The girl who ruined my life by falling in love with my best friend and having sex with (motions to Frank) this guy right here.

The waitress had sex with Frank in order to make Dennis jealous in the episode "Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom."