Dee: What were you even doing in that crawlspace, Charlie?
Charlie: Well, for starters, I was minding my own business. I was also trying to do a little light reading, and then I was putting some cheese in the rat traps.
Dee: You were putting the cheese in the rat traps?
Dee: Can I smell your mouth?
Dee: You were eating the cheese, weren't you? Out of the rat traps.
Charlie: No—well, yes—I mean, I was eating the old cheese to test it to see why the rats weren't eating it.
Dee: Why are you always doing such weird things, Charlie?
Charlie: I do weird things? Name another thing that you think is weird.
Dee: Well, I caught you stealing a bunch of coins out of the fountain at Logan Circle.
Charlie: Uh, I was acquiring a little bit of cash to pay my spy, Dee.
Dee: Why do you have a spy?
Charlie: To spy on the waitress. Of course I have a spy!
Dennis: (referring to his memoir) Charlie, what the hell were you doing with it?
Dee: Well, uh, since he can't read, I'm guessing he was masturbating to your pictures.
Dennis: (reading from his book) "I removed my robe and stood before her, taut, nubile, proud. She was much, much older than me, but her breasts ... were awesome. I felt reborn, baptized in erotic majesty."
Mac: Dennis, you were never the personal sexual adviser to Jon Bon Jovi! And, you never woke up in a rehab facility with the wounds of Christ miraculously appearing on your hands and feet.
Dennis: Yeah, man, but I did—I banged that girl in the fountain. That story was true. The hot dogs, the oatmeal, everything.
Charlie: There's some sort of weird chemical reaction that happens when you combine cat food, beer, and glue. It makes you feel, like, extremely sick and tired, and you're able to fall asleep!
Dee: Why would I wanna make myself extremely sick and tired?
Charlie: 'Cause there's gonna be about fifty cats howling outside that window all night long, and you have no idea how loud fifty cats can be.
Dee: OK, maybe there wouldn't be cats surrounding your building if you didn't have open cans of cat food everywhere.
Charlie: I have fifty cats howling outside my window because I have ten thousand rats running around my building, Dee! OK?
Dee: All right, stop yelling. You're spitting cat food on me.
Charlie: (to Dee) Hey, check it out. You just had yourself a glue OD, and those are pretty regular in my life, so you learned another lesson: don't do too much glue or your night sucks.
Dee: You're saying that your life is so terrible because you eat rat cheese and cat food and huff glue all day long?
Charlie: Uh, yeah.
Dee: Those aren't real problems, Charlie.
Charlie: What do you mean they're not real problems?
Dee: You make those problems up! You choose to do that stuff!
Charlie: Those are solutions to problems!
(Dee steps up to the mic at the comedy club)
Dee: Howdy, howdy, howdy. How's everybody doing tonight? (chuckles nervously) So, you guys, what's the deal with those hands-free headsets that everybody's wearing in their ears, right? (dry heaves) It's, like, "Hey, everybody look at me. I'm one part robot and three parts asshole." (dry heaves)
Audience Member: Jesus Christ!
Dee: I mean, am I right or am I ri— (dry heaves) Screw it. (leaves the stage)
MC: Wow. Well, at least it was short and dry this time.
Sinbad: (to Dennis) My name is Sinbad. This is Sinbad's house. When you in Sinbad's house, you my bitch!
Sinbad: That's Rob Thomas. Matchbox Twenty. (to Rob) Sing a song. Shut up.
Dennis: Matchbox Twenty? Ew...
Sinbad: Oh, you the man, huh? You gonna punk him like that?
Frank: I wanna do business with Mr. Von Joni himself.
Executive: Bon Jovi.
Frank: Yeah, Mr. Bovine Joni himself.
Mac: Uh, ma'am, I am dying of very terminal cancer, and I would like to request a private bedside concert from Mr. Bon Jovi. Now, Sambora's presence is not necessary, but it would be nice if he was involved. (grabs something off her desk) Question: is this a laser pointer?
Mac: Can I have it?
Mac: Mm, I'm gonna take it anyway.
Executive: OK, I'm just gonna throw this out there. I don't think you have cancer.
Mac: What? What are you—what are you talking about? (points to his bald head) No, that's—that's chemo. (shines the laser pointer on his head) That's chemotherapy right there.
Executive: And, for the record, when you go through chemo, your beard hair falls out, too.
Mac: Are you sure? I asked a lot of people. I asked my bald cap guy.
Charlie: (about Sinbad) I can't wait to meet him! I hope he's wearing something made out of windbreaker!
Mac: Dennis, you were never the personal sexual adviser to Jon Bon Jovi!
Jon Bon Jovi is a musician and the lead singer of the rock band Bon Jovi. Frank later mentions that Jon Bon Jovi owns the Philadelphia Soul, which is a football team in the Arena Football League. Mac later mentions the name Sambora; he's referring to Richie Sambora, the guitarist for Bon Jovi.
Mac: (to Dennis about the fabricated stories in his memoir) Dude, you don't wanna end up like that Million Little Pieces guy, all right? Oprah made him look like a total dick.
A Million Little Pieces is a memoir written by James Frey that details his struggle with alcohol and other drugs. It eventually became a selection in Oprah's Book Club. However, it was later discovered that some of the events in the book were not completely factual. Frey appeared on Oprah Winfrey's show and admitted this.
(Dee roams the halls and picks up a pink ball that rolls to her feet)
Twin Girls: Come play with us ... forever and ever and ever and ever...
This is a parody of a scene from the horror film The Shining in which a family experiences terror in a hotel where they are the only guests. In one scene, the young boy, Danny, rides his tricycle down a hallway and is confronted by two creepy twin girls who tell him to come play with them "forever and ever and ever."