Dee: You're not gonna go out with me tonight 'cause these idiots found two poopies in a bed?
Dennis: Yeah, Dee, but it's not the poop. It's the mystery ... behind the poop.
Waitress: Oh, my God. Why would I ever go out with you? I hate you.
Dee: (smiling) I know, I hate you, too. That's the way girls are! We're catty! We backstab and talk about each other behind our backs and stalk.
Dee: Look, I know you're gonna be alone tonight, OK? I read all about it in the notebook Charlie keeps of your whereabouts. You don't have any friends.
Waitress: I have a ton of friends.
Dee: Name one friend.
Dee: Frederick is your cat, and he died three weeks ago.
College Student: (dissecting the poop) Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.
Dennis: All right, well, now we're getting somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?
Charlie: It's gonna go both ways, dude.
College Student: Oh, boy. There's a good deal of blood in this stool.
Charlie: Of course there is.
College Student: Whoever's it is should see a doctor.
Charlie: Well, don't give us judgments.
Waitress: Who is she again?
Dee: That's Artemis. She's the sassy one who always plays by her own rules.
Artemis: These guys are playing hard to get. I'm gonna take off my bra, blast 'em my nips.
Waitress: Yeah, well, I have a drinking problem.
Dee: Wow, that's a horribly unattractive thing to announce to everybody.
Waitress: (to the bar waitress) I'd like a water, please.
Dee: She'll take a Cosmo, and she'll just hold it in her hand. That's fine.
Waitress: That is a terrible idea.
Artemis: (to a man at the bar) Name's Artemis. I have a bleached asshole.
Frank: Well, what do we do, come to your house and tell you how to sleep?
Dennis: I sleep in a king-sized bed by myself. When I have to go to the bathroom, I use a toilet.
Charlie: Look at Dennis on his bed made for kings, with his toilet made out of gold!
(Mac considers sleeping on the floor of Charlie's apartment)
Mac: I don't know about this floor, Dennis. It's, like, covered in sand or something.
Dennis: No, I don't know. It smells like some kind of spice blend or pesticide or some other kind of sandy poison or something.
Saleswoman: Ladies, can I help you?
Dee: Hello, we are here for the Manolos.
Saleswoman: And what's your shoe size?
Saleswoman: Oh, my. Uh, we don't carry shoes that large. Perhaps you'd like to try the Big & Tall store down the street.
Dee: Well, dammit, waitress. That is not what I wanted.
Waitress: (shouting) How? How do you still not know my what my name is?
(Dee, Artemis, and the waitress walk in while Charlie squats over some newspaper on the ground)
Dennis: Oh, oh, Dee! We were just on the verge of a major breakthrough!
Mac: (about Charlie) He was turtle-heading. Turtle-heading!
Charlie: No, there was no turtles anywhere.
Waitress: Were you just pooping on the floor?
Charlie: No, I was not. That was an endurance contest, which I won, by the way.
Dee: Wow, you have a bad attitude when you're drinking.
Waitress: (slurring) You have a bad attitude when you're drinking, you huge-footed slut.
Artemis: Deandra, you wanted in on this poop war from the start.
Dee: No, I didn't.
Artemis: The outcast. The slut. The bitch. The whore. The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore.
Frank: I did 'em all. I did all the poops.
Frank: Yeah! I did—I did every one of 'em. I even did one while she was wrapping up, right here. Look. (points to a turd on the ground)
Charlie: Why did you do that, dude?
Frank: Because poop is funny!
Dee: Well, there's a new martini bar opening up downtown. I thought maybe we could do something different tonight.
Mac: Where is this shit coming from?
Dennis: She just watched that stupid Sex and the City movie.
Sex and the City was a television show (later a movie) about four women over thirty living in New York. Dee also mentions the characters "Samantha and Carrie and the dyke-y redhead." The "dyke-y redhead" is named Miranda, and the fourth woman is Charlotte. Dee insists at the martini bar that the girls drink cosmopolitans, a drink popularized by the show. Carrie also has an affinity for Manolo shoes, which Dee tries to buy.
Plot Point: Artemis breaks down who pooped
This entire sequence pays homage to whodunit-type films, especially the comedy film Clue. For example, in Clue, the lights are briefly turned off, and when they come back on, there is a dead body on the floor. In the show, the lights come back on to reveal a piece of poop on the ground. The way that Artemis explains what happened from the very beginning is also reminiscent of the film's character explaining who the murderer was and the role played by each person.