Charlie: I wrote a musical. It's pretty damn good, OK? I wanna put it on.
Mac: Right, what's your angle?
Charlie: I don't have one.
Dee: Yeah, whose—whose face are we shoving this musical in?
Charlie: You don't shove a musical in someone's face. What are you talking about?
Mac: Right, but who versus? Who are we doing it versus?

Charlie: (about Artemis) Uh, she also transcribed my work into a format you might consider a little bit more legible.
Dee: Or literate. She added words to it.

Frank: Charlie, who's playing the troll guy?
Charlie: You're gonna play the troll guy.
Frank: I'm the troll guy?
Charlie: Who else would be the troll?
Frank: Oh! I like that.
Charlie: All right, good.
Frank: Can I do it naked?
Charlie: Absolutely not. Why would you wanna be naked?
Frank: Because in the '70s, everybody did theater naked. Everybody got laid all the time.

Dee: (referring to the song) Well, why am I in love with a little boy?
Charlie: You're in love with a young man.
Dee: You wrote "boy."
Charlie: All right, well, man, boy, it's a metaphor.
Dee: Well, the audience is gonna think I'm a child molester.

Dee: Are you goddamn kidding me?
Charlie: What?
Dee: (reading the script) "Tiny boy, little boy, baby boy"?
Charlie: Yes...?
Dee: You're wanting me to say that I wanna make love to a little baby tiny boy.
Charlie: But I have explained this to you, Dee, that I'm talking about the spirit of this man. It's like a little boy. It's a metaphor.
Dee: You keep using that word, but I'm not convinced you know what it means.

Dee: (to Charlie) And also, I'm not making out with Dennis later, 'cause it says that we're supposed to do that at the end of the song, and that's not gonna happen.
Dennis: Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with that either, bro.

Charlie: Uh, Dennis, could you take a five?
Dennis: Uh, well, I just don't wanna cut the song, man.
Charlie: I would like for you to take a five.
Dennis: Fi—five minutes?
Charlie: Can we have five now, please, Dee and I?
Dennis: You guys want five?
Charlie: Can I get—can you have a five over there? (raising his voice) Will you take a five, Dennis? Take a five, please!

(Dee has convinced Charlie to cut her song)
Dee: What are we gonna sing instead? What should I sing?
Charlie: Uh, what's on the back, there?
Dee: It's the same—same song.
Charlie: Uh, and what's on the very, very back page?
Dee: Nothing.
Charlie: Ah, then that's what you'll be singing.

Frank: (singing during rehearsal) You want this baby boy's hole, / You gotta pay the troll toll—
Charlie: Stop, stop, stop, stop. All right, uh ... not bad. Good rhythm, love the enthusiasm. I feel like you're saying "boy's hole," and it's clearly "soul"...

Mac: Um, I think we have to be very careful about how we do the rape scene.
Dennis: Yeah.
Charlie: Well, what in God's name are you talking—there's no rape scene.
Mac: Well, sure. Uh, I pay the troll toll, and then I rape Dennis.
Charlie: No, you don't rape him. You become him. You do not rape him!

Waitress: So, OK, so you're not gonna follow me home anymore?
Charlie: Nope.
Waitress: And you're not gonna call me at three in the morning and tell me that you are in the emergency room of the hospital because you had a terrible car accident?
Charlie: Yeah, well, it's great that you came.
Waitress: Well, you listed me as your emergency contact!
Charlie: Well, yeah, because I consider you that!

Charlie: All right, Gladys, can you head out there and get us started?
Gladys: Oh, I forgot to tell you. Calvin Coolidge was a good friend of mine.
Charlie: You've been telling me that Calvin Coolidge was a friend of yours, like, all morning, and at a certain point—
Gladys: How many times?
Charlie: Like, a hundred times now.
Gladys: Oh...
Charlie: Well, at a certain point, I need you to stop telling the Calvin Coolidge story, and you need to start playing the piano—
Gladys: Shh!
Charlie: Don't shush me, OK? Now, please don't shush me.

Dee: But one other thing, I wrote a song. I'm gonna throw it in.
Charlie: I swear to God, you cannot add a song.
Dee: It's gonna happen.
Charlie: I will smack your face off of your face.

Dee: (singing her own song onstage) Just to be clear, I did not write that song / And have never had sex with a child, just to be clear.
Gladys: (at the piano, confused) What—what is happening?
Dee: (singing) Most men find me to be an eight or nine out of ten, / And I am available to any interested men / Who'd like to get my number after the show!
Charlie: (to himself, backstage) Keep singing, bitch. You're not gonna have a face by the time I'm done with you!

Frank: (singing onstage) You gotta pay the toll troll / If you wanna get into that boy's hole. / You gotta pay the troll toll to get in. / You want the baby boy's hole, / You gotta pay the troll toll. / You gotta pay the troll toll to get in. / Troll toll!
Dennis: What'd you say?
Frank: Troll toll!
Mac: Hey, hey, hey!
Frank: Troll toll!

(Mac climbs into bed with Dennis as part of the musical)
Mac: Gimme that leg, boy.
Dennis: No! (out of character) Dude, do you have a boner right now?

Dennis and Dee: (singing onstage) Dayman, (ah-ah-ah) / Fighter of the Nightman, (ah-ah-ah) / Champion of the sun. (ah-ah-ah) / You're a master of karate and friendship for everyone.

Charlie: (vocalizes and starts singing onstage) I was that little boy; that little baby boy was me. / I once was a boy, but now I am a man. / I fought the Nightman, lived as Dayman; / Now I'm here to ask for your hand, / So if you want to marry, man / Will you marry me? / Will you come onstage and join me / In this thing called matrimony? / Please say yes, and do not bone me. / Please just marry me...
Waitress: Is that it?
Charlie: Uh ... huh?
Waitress: Is the play over?
Charlie: Y—yeah...
Waitress: OK, great. Well, then I'm out of here.
Charlie: Well, hang on, hang on, hang on a second. Hang on. Is it a yes, or...?
Waitress: Is it a yes? Really, Charlie? Will I marry you? No, no I will not. I will never marry you.

"Nightman" is a song written by Charlie in the episode "Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person." Charlie also later wrote "Dayman" with Dennis after they got kicked out of the band.