Mac: (reading the newspaper review) "The first thing I noticed about Paddy's pub is its charm."
Charlie: All right, it's a good review, OK.
Dennis: That's a good start.
Mac: "It has none."
Mac: (reading the review) "There was an ominous feeling that you could get stabbed at any moment." That's good, right?
Dennis: How is that good?
Mac: Well, that's the exact type of atmosphere I've been trying to cultivate. But, while danger may linger, I'm the levelheaded bouncer that keeps violence in check, like Swayze in Road House. I'm the cooler.
Dee: In check? There have been many stabbings in here.
Dennis: Yeah, I feel unsafe here every single day I'm...
Dee: Oh, very often.
Charlie: Well, stabbings have been down, though.
Dee: (in response to the review) Well, I am not white trash. I am a kind and a generous and a good-natured lady.
Dennis: Well, I—I do seem to remember you calling the guy a faggot.
Dee: Yeah, I absolutely called him a faggot, but he ordered Chardonnay. What was I supposed to do?
Korman: Suing me? What are you gonna sue me for?
Dee: Uh, libel, slander. There's two of the big dogs right there.
Korman: It's only libel if what I write is false.
Dennis: You know what, buddy? We will jam your asshole up with so many lawyers, you won't know what to do with yourself.
Dee: Nice! Brand new Blu-ray DVD player all hooked up.
Dennis: Hey, all right.
Dee: Where are we gonna put it? We need, like, a flat surface.
Mac: Here we go. You know what? (lets it hang freely) We'll just—we'll dangle it.
Dee: Oh, yeah, that looks better. We're not dangling anything! That's very white trash.
Dee: You kidnapped Korman?
Charlie: I don't really know what happened, OK? First I was angry. Then I was drinking. Next thing I know, I'm following this guy home and forcing him into the trunk of his own car.
Mac: Jesus Christ, this is bad, really bad.
Charlie: Don't panic, don't panic. Relax, I drove him around in a circle for a while, OK? So he wouldn't know where he was or how far away he'd gone.
Dennis: But then you brought him back to a place where he's already been! And plus, he just heard everything you just said!
Dee: (about Korman) How are we gonna get him into the bar without anyone seeing him?
Charlie: Easy. We roll him up in a rug.
Mac: Where are we gonna get a rug?
Charlie: We buy a big Oriental rug, and we roll him up in it.
Dee: Do you have any idea how expensive rugs are, Charlie?
Dennis: Yeah, especially Oriental rugs!
Korman: What is it that you people want?
Charlie: Well, I'll tell you, Mr. Fancy Pants Writer Man. I was thinking maybe you could write a new review, you know? And this time, maybe add a few less lies.
Korman: How can I write a new review if I am taped to a chair?
Charlie: Come on, man. (to Mac) See, he's twisting everything I say around. He's making me look like an asshole, dude!
Charlie: (about Korman) Let him piss in his pants.
Mac: No, he can't piss in his pants, Charlie!
Charlie: I don't know why you're so in love with this guy.
Mac: What if we just—I'm not in love with him. I just don't wanna get arrested for kidnapping!
Charlie: I'm sorry I yelled at you, Mr. Korman. (mouths "I'm going to kill you" while pretending to slit his throat)
Mac: I saw that! I saw that! You're outta here, bro!
Korman: Just please get me out of this bathroom before I vomit! It is absolutely disgusting.
Charlie: Well, excuse me, Mr. Man, but I happen to think this bathroom is pristine because I work very hard cleaning it. In fact it's so clean, I would say you could eat out of these urinals.
Mac: No, you absolutely could not eat out of these urinals.
Charlie: Oh, really? (grabs a urinal cake) What's this?
Mac: Charlie don't. (Charlie takes a bite out of the urinal cake) Ch—oh, my God, dude.
Korman: Oh, Jesus.
Mac: Bro, I really—I just pissed in there, like—like, five minutes before you came in.
Charlie: Don't say that now. You're gonna make me look bad.
Mac: Well, spit it out, man. You gonna eat it? You're still chewing it.
Charlie: I have to prove a point to this guy!
(after Charlie and Mac help Korman go to the bathroom)
Charlie: (to Mac) Can I bring something up? Did he get a little bit hard on us?
Dee: Here's the deal. I didn't feel like opening up a bottle of wine, so I brought you some Scotch 'cause I feel like that's what writers should drink.
Dennis: Hey, some top shelf Scotch.
Korman: Uh, I don't drink Scotch.
Dee: Well, you don't have to be a dick about it.
Dennis: Wow, got a real chip on his shoulder, this one.
Dee: If I had to write an article about you, it would say that you're very negative. The headline might be "Most negative man in the world calls other people white trash to make himself not feel so faggy."
Mehar: (from inside the trunk) Please, let me out! I have to get home! I have a cat!
Charlie: Sir, we all have cats that we'd like to be playing with right now, OK? We're doing our very best.
Mehar: My cat is diabetic! She needs her insulin shot! Please!
Mac: So we gotta baby-sit a cat now?
Charlie: Ooh, dude. I can't have a dead cat's blood on my hands, man. That's not good.
(Mac accidentally kicks the car's mirror instead of the window)
Mac: Shit! You know what? There is a slope in the ground, and I didn't—I wasn't—I wasn't calibrating that grade.
Charlie: You just totally broke this mirror, bro!
Mac: Ah, man. Well, it's the bullshit street. We gotta get that—we gotta get the zoning people out here.
Charlie: I don't think it's the street, bro.
Charlie: (to Mac) Learn how to kick. Take one karate class if you're so into karate, you know?
Mac: (carrying a cat) Hey, man, do you see any hypodermic needles laying around?
Dennis: What the hell is that?
Mac: Mehar's cat. Diabetic.
Dennis: Now a diabetic cat is in play? Jesus, we can't catch a break!
Charlie: (explaining how to cover up the kidnapping of Korman and Mehar) Got it! Ready? Here's the plan. I've been thinking about this, OK? We give them amnesia. It's so easy. Here's how you do it. You smash them both over the head with a bottle. They go down like a ton of bricks, OK? Then we drag them back to their apartments. We put 'em in their beds, you know. We set their clocks back. We get yesterday's newspaper. We put it on their front doorstep. They wake up thinking it was all a dream.
Dennis: Oh, that's so goddamn stupid!
(the gang reads the next day's awful review from Korman)
Dennis: Hey, listen, at least he didn't mention our names.
Charlie: Yeah, right.
Mac: Yeah, no pressing charges.
Charlie: No charges, no names.
Dennis: No charges, no names. That's good.
Dee: I don't know why, but I'm a little irritated that he didn't mention our names.
Charlie: You feel like he would mention our names, right?
Dee: I work here!
Dennis: I'm incredibly annoyed that he didn't mention our names.
Mac: I wish I could live with this, but I can't.
Dennis: I know.
Charlie: It's a story about us!
Mac: I feel like we gotta go talk to him again.