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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Charlie Wants an Abortion

A woman from Charlie's past returns to tell him that he's the father of her ten-year-old son. Charlie agrees to spend some time with the bratty kid, with the sole intention of taking him to get a paternity test. The appearance of the child brings up the topic of abortion, and Mac tries to learn more about the issue. He meets a pro-life protester named Megan, whom he tries to impress by pretending to be very interested in the cause.

Episode Info  

Episode number: 1x2
Production Number: IP01003
Airdate: Thursday August 11th, 2005
Network: FX

Alternate Airdates:

NL (Comedy Central) Jul 07, 2009

Guest Stars
Mary Elizabeth EllisMary Elizabeth Ellis
As Waitress
Heather DonahueHeather Donahue
As Stacy Corvelli

Co-Guest Stars
Cormac BluestoneCormac Bluestone
As Jimmy Doyle
Amy HigginsAmy Higgins
As Receptionist
Holly ReiserHolly Reiser
As Girl With Shirt
Esther EllsworthEsther Ellsworth
As Hippie Girl
Sonia JacksonSonia Jackson
As Crack Whore
Benton JenningsBenton Jennings
As Pro-Lifer
Main Cast
Charlie DayCharlie Day
As Charlie Kelly
Glenn HowertonGlenn Howerton
As Dennis Reynolds
Kaitlin OlsonKaitlin Olson
As Deandra "Sweet Dee" Reynolds
Episode Quotes
Dennis: You cut the sleeves off of all your t-shirts. What, so you could show off your tats? Those are really original, dude.
Mac: They're tribal.
Dennis: Oh, they're—they're tri—I'm sorry, what tribe are you from?

Mac: Do you represent the Lollipop Guild, Charlie?

Charlie: There's, like, no way that this is possible.
Dee: Well, did you have sex with her?
Charlie: Yeah.
Dee: OK, did you use birth control?
Mac: Whoa, Dee, we went to Catholic school, so...

Charlie: I mean, I wish I could go back in time and do the right thing, you know?
Dee: Like be there for him?
Charlie: No, get an abortion.

Tommy: You're ugly.
Charlie: You're ugly.
Tommy: You're ugly!
Charlie: You are the one that's ugly!
Tommy: You're ugly!
Charlie: You're ugly!
Dee: Charlie! Jesus Christ, are you almost thirty? Are you almost thirty years old?

Tommy: You have to buy me a toy!
Charlie: I don't have to buy you shit.
Tommy: If you don't buy me anything, I'm gonna tell my mom you took me to a black people's hospital.
Charlie: Wow. Oh, my God, that's racist.

Dee: Charlie, what in the hell are you gonna do if this kid's yours?
Charlie: Oh, I don't know. I'll probably uh, kill myself.

Charlie: So is that cute little girl your...
Waitress: I'm her Big Sister.
Charlie: (looks at the girl) Oh. (looks back at the girl) Hm, that's weird. She looks Mexican.
Waitress: She is Mexican. It's the Big Sister program. She's not my real little sister.

Megan: Hey, you're really hardcore, aren't you?
Mac: Oh, well, you know. I mean, if you really wanna see hardcore... (hands her a piece of paper)
Megan: What's this?
Mac: That’s the list of doctors I'm gonna kill.
Megan: There's two already crossed out.
Mac: Yeah, I know.

Dee: Are you actually gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?
Dennis: (laughing) I don't really have any convictions.

Charlie: (to Tommy) If you're good today, I'm gonna buy you anything that you want, anything in the world, all right? (Tommy spits in Charlie's face) Oh, my God! I will smash your face into a—into a jelly!

(at the abortion rally)
Dennis: You know what? I think all these chicks are gay.
Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay. I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.
Dennis: (scoffs) Sucks for me.

Cultural References
Mac: Do you represent the Lollipop Guild, Charlie?

The Lollipop Guild is from the movie The Wizard of Oz. It's represented by three little munchkins who come out and sing while dancing in the same stilted fashion as Dennis, Mac, and Charlie.

Mac: I love the smell of protest in the morning.
Megan: What?
Mac: I was quoting that movie. You know, Apocalypse Now, napalm in the morning.

Apocalypse Now is a film that takes place during the Vietnam War. Lt. Colonel Bill Kilgore remarks, "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."

Megan: Is that the new Mel Gibson movie?
Mac: No...
Megan: Did you see Passion of the Christ? I saw it twelve times.

The Passion of the Christ is a film written and directed by Mel Gibson that details the final hours of Jesus' life.

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