Onstage, Kathy talks about how since the divorce she has been questioning her knowledge of straight men. Like, if she thought she knew them so well, why is it that she still doesn't know why they scratch their balls so damn much?
Kathy tasks her staff with finding her celebrity dates who will enable her to fuck her way to the middle. Anybody who can get her a photo op is game, though George Clooney is, admittedly a bit of a reach. Kathy and the team list some candidates, including:
AJ McLean of the Backstreet Boys
Kevin "K-Fed" Federline
Chingy ("Or any rapper!" Kathy chirps)
former Nicole Richie fiance DJ AM
Winner of the current season of "Survivor" or "The Apprentice"
While Kathy deems her plan perfect, parents John and Maggie are less enthusiastic. Why can't she date a nice man like Sean Hannity? The mere sound of his name inspires revulsion, and their other choices -- Art Carney, Benny Goodman -- being dead, don't get much of a reception, either.
While the mission for a celeb date continues, Kathy has to hustle to pay for mom and dad's wine at the gay bar, so she's off to Tuscon for another corporate gig, this time for jewelry designers. Not only is it a corporate event, it's a benefit for St. Jude's. After Kathy's act, she will host an auction. Though Kathy's conract asks that any children present in the audience be off-limits to improvised jokes, she can curse as freely as she pleases, and all in $150,000 in borrowed jewelry from pal/designer Eric Courtney. Kathy's black shirt and jeans ever looked so fancy. Kathy ends up bombing, though, as her signature shout-out to the gays goes unanswered, and nobody seems to digs at celebrity wannabe jewelers like Paul Abdul. Left in a room of heterosexuals who would rather smoke cigars outdoors then listen to her, Kathy does the best she can until it's time for the auction. The auction is a success, though Kathy did end up making the biggest donation of the night with a check for $10,000. And she didn't even win the Grammy tickets!
Back at home in L.A., Kathy may not be going to the Grammys but she does have a date! Tiffany snagged not AJ but fellow Backstreet Boy (and former Paris Hilton paramour) Nick Carter. Though Kathy is concerned about the age difference -- he's 27 to her "32" (read: 46), their date should be excellent fodder for the paparazzi, the tabs, and then the world!
Celebrity pal Rachel True (she was in The Craft -- remember that? Best catfight evah!) comes over to give Kathy some tips for her fake date. Kathy's main concern, after the age difference and how slutty she should or should not dress, is Nick "talking Black", as she knows he is wont to do. Rachel tells her not to worry about it, just wear something comfortable and have fun. And they do -- kinda. After an awkward beginning trying to make small talk with Tom, Nick takes Kathy to trendy nightspot Les Deux . On the way in, Nick's publicist tries to keep the paparazzi from taking their pic, which only makes them want to take more pictures. Score one for Kathy!
Inside Kathy grills Nick about what would be a usual night at Les Deux -- just him and his boys? Does he usually have his bitches along? If there are bitches, are they allowed to eat? The conversation then turns to jail, and Nick recounts his hellish 6-hour stint in county jail. To take away the pain of that memory, Kathy makes him sing to her, proffering lyrics to two songs. Nick serenades her with an incomplete version of "Incomplete", then it's off to a party where Kathy works the red carpet and Nick slips in the back door. Inside, Kathy tries to get her photo taken with Nick, but nobody has a camera. Oh no! The date ends with Nick dropping off Kathy. Nick gets a peck on the cheek, and he seems sincerely disappointed to have not gotten more. The morning after, Kathy finds video from the night before on-line at TMZ.com! Go Kathy!
Having conquered opportunistic celebrity dating, Kathy has to boost ticket sales for her two Michigan shows. Her solution includes:
Kathy judges a chili cook-off in Jackson, where her first show is booked -- While she bombs with the women and small children, drunk guys like her. Kathy gives away tickets while the staff drink, and Jessica tries to cope with the awful lighting at the cookoff.
Interview with a local paper -- the interview is conducted by an intern who looks about 16 and could interview herself, let alone Kathy.
Meet n' greet with fans in Jackson -- Having nothing better to do because it's Jackson, MI in winter, Kathy visits the home of some superfans who look like they could face off against John and Maggie in a wine-drinking contest. They're not sure about gay turnout for the shows, as most Jackson gays seem to be on the DL.
Sandwich boards -- Tom wears them at a home and garden show before the second show in Benton Harbor.
When Kathy performs that night, Tom puts on some makeup, dons Kathy's extensions and lingerie. He puts on a show for the hysterical Jessica and Tiffany before escorting Kathy offstge after the show is over. Kathy is fine with it, but needs to come up with something to get back at Tom for this infraction.
Kathy comes up with Tom's punishment over lunch the next day. Their charming waitress Christina would love to attend Kathy's show, but can't because she has to work that night at The Texas Corral, the other restaurant where she works. With Christina's boss's blessing, Kathy sends Tom to work her shift. There are a few split screens of the two of them while Kathy says in a voiceover that she imagines that while she is having a great time, Tom is dropping trays and fucking up. And she's kinda right. While Kathy is killing at the Benton Harbor gig, Tom has a bit of a rough night, having started off late for the shift. Operation Torture Tom is in full swing while Kathy is on-stage, debuting new material about Tom the roommate. After the show, Kathy, takes Christina, Jessica, and Tiffany to the Corral for a celebratory dinner and some Tom torture before they, and the rest of the state of Michiga, call it a night. Share this article with your friends