Hank: It's hard, Peggy. I don't wanna lose my little boy, my only son. Oh, it's hard.
Peggy: Well, you can relax. The investigation has been off for a week. Only, Bobby didn't tell us.
Hank: I'll kill him!
Hank: If you want to win, you're gonna have to do better than your best.
Bobby: How do I do that?
Hank: You gotta give 110 percent. That's what'll give you that winning edge.
Bobby: But what if the Wildcats give 110 percent, too?
Hank: Well, then you gotta try even harder.
Peggy: How about if Bobby gave 112 percent?
Hank: Sure, that'd work.
Bobby: Or mabye 113.
Hank: Yeah, yeah, that's even better.
Peggy: No, I don't know. 13 is a very unlucky number.
Hank: Look, we're not talking about 13. We're talking about 113. And even... okay, give 112, what's the difference? Look, Bobby, just do your best, okay?
Luanne: Mamma's in jail. She was saving a quart of beer before bed, and daddy threw it out, and she went after him with a fork, and the trailer tipped over, and everything went upside down, and it's all gonna be on Real Stories of the Highway Patrol.
Hank: Now you listen to me, mister. I work for a living, and I mean real work, not writing down gobbledygook. I provide the people of this community with propane and propane accessories. Oh, when I think of all my hard earned tax dollars going to pay a bunch of twig boy bureaucrats like you, it just makes me wanna oh... oh, God.
Hank: Excuse me, where is the hardware department?
Buckley: The hardware department... Sir, what is it you're looking for?
Hank: The hardware department.
Buckley: Right, but what are you trying to buy?
Hank: Just tell me where the hardware department is!
Buckley: Sir, what are you trying to buy?
Hank: Fine, I want some WD40 and a "Tap and Die".
Buckley: Yes, and what are you trying to do again?
Hank: Buy some WD40 and a "Tap and Die"!
Buckley: Yes, and what is a "Tap and Die"?
Hank: Ah, forget it. Lets say I want a hammer. Do you know what a hammer is? That's what I want, a damned hammer.
Hank: Dale, you giblet-head! This is Texas! It's 110 degrees in the shade, and if it gets one degree hotter, I'm gonna kick your ass!
Dale: I know what's wrong with your truck, Hank. It's a Ford. Know what Ford stands for, don'cha? "Fix it again, Tony."
Hank: Dale, that's a Fiat.
Dale: We'll see what Butros Butros Gali Gali thinks about that, we'll grow oranges in Alaska.
Peggy: We would have had more children, but Hank has a narrow urethra.
Hank: He asked us how many children we had, he didn't ask you about my glands!
Boomhauer: (referring to Seinfeld) I tell you what, man, you see the part where dang ol' George come in there and he's talkin' 'bout tasting his own burp and Kramer comes slidin' in there, he always does that. Them New York boys, I tell you what... just a show about nothin'.
Hank: That boy ain't right.
Anthony: Loud is not allowed.