Corporal Robert Perry: Hey, Dwight, say hello to Jenny.
PFC Dwight Caplan: He's cheating on you!
Corporal Robert Perry: Nice.
PFC Dwight Caplan: With a camel, a drunk slutty camel...
Corporal Robert Perry: All right, it was one time, okay. And the camel's been texting me, but it's over, I promise...

Dr. Laroque: Pardon me, Mr. uh...?
Nate: Oh, uh, Nathan Ford. You're Dr. Laroque?
Dr. Laroque: Can I talk to you outside?
Corporal Robert Perry: Doc, he's cool, I found him on the Internet.
Dr. Laroque: Yes, that never goes badly.

Dr. Laroque: Run your scam on somebody with money.
Nate: It's not a scam. I'm here to help.
Dr. Laroque: People don't just show up to help. That's not the way the world works.

Director: Uh, you understand this is a soap commercial, right?
Sophie: Uh-huh. When I thought about Peggy, I came up with this idea that the dirt is really this giant, like, metaphor for sin.
(Sophie's phone rings)
Director: You should take that. No, no, you should take that.

Parker: From my first job?
Eliot: Yeah.
Parker: I put all that money in a Swiss bank account.
Eliot: Millions of dollars, you didn't buy anything?
Parker: I don't like stuff. I like money.
Sophie: I bought a little retirement home in Ireland...
Eliot: Nice.
Sophie: and Dubai... and Tokyo.
Parker: What about you?
Eliot: Yeah, I'm not about to tell two known thieves what I did with a multi-million dollar payout.
Sophie: Don't you trust us?

Parker: 5.56 NATO rounds, mixed in with some 9-mils from the submachine guns. Insurgents would have used AK-47 with 7.62 ammo. Has more of a crack. Contractor shot 'em up, all right.
Parker: You IDed the weapon from the gunshot sound?
Eliot: It has a very distinctive sound.

Nate: Ah, yes, but enough blackmail to pay for Perry's rehab. Maybe a couple of million more, damages.
Eliot: Never hold up in court.
Nate: Ah, but that's why Corporal Perry's lucky. He doesn't have lawyers, he has thieves.

Alec: I got to get back to the office. I just remembered something.
Parker: What?
Alec: I just remembered gravity...and the squishiness of all my manly bits.
Parker: I designed this rig myself. The line is carbon-fiber, five-point harness, weight support here, here, and here, auto-breaking resistance on the main pulley back here.
Alec: Okay, okay, cool, so it's tested?
Parker: Not yet.
Alec: Not yet...? When the hell were you going to test it?
Parker: (shoves Alec off the roof) Big baby.

Nate: Hardison, Hardison, what's this bill they're talking about?
Alec: You know what, I'd like to give you the Schoolhouse Rock, but this man has an RFID security card reader on his power supply... so a little busy!

Charles Dufort: You know the great thing about Congressmen? 50, 100 grand well spent will get one elected. But then, once they're in, the incumbency rate is over 95%! So you can get on an average 18, 20 years use out of one of them. In these uncertain times, buying a United States Congressman is one of the best investments a corporation can make!
Alec: (listening in on earbud) Oh, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I'm a professional criminal and I find that disturbing.

Eliot: The tall one, the way he used a knife, ex-Marine, probably Force Recon.
Alec: You IDed the guy off his knife-fighting style?
Eliot: It's a very distinctive style.

Alec: I didn't sign up for any of this. What I did before, nobody got hurt.
Sophie: I stole paintings for a living.
Parker: I never hurt anybody.
Eliot: I actually hurt people, so... (shrugs)
Sophie: Nate, if anything happened to this kid...
Nate: You know, you guys called on me, do you remember? You begged me to run the crew, agreed to play by my rules. Now walk out if you have a problem with that. Walk out any day if you have a problem with that. It's simple.
Eliot: We finish this one.
Parker: Just one.
Alec: How do we hit 'em?

Sophie: When men are telling the truth, they're not looking me in the eye. A man only ever looks a woman in the eye when he's making the effort to lie to her.
Eliot: Well, you can't argue with that.
Alec: Noted and filed.

Alec: (about Parker) I mean, break a law, everybody's done that. My mama's done that that, but steal a law? Oh, she's gonna be a legend, baby.

Parker: The eagle has landed.
Nate: It's in!
Alec: Ah! Go ahead, girl! Sexiness, ah... rrowrr.
Nate: You might want to ease up on that a little bit.
Alec: I'm just saying...
Nate: Yeah.
Alec: Between me and you, between me and you.
Nate: Never leaves the room.

Nate: How was Washington?
Sophie: Villains, con men, wolves in sheep's clothing. Felt right at home.

Alec: It's a webcam. I'm picking up its broadcast on the phone.
Parker: I see it, up on that pole.
Alec: I just have to spook the IP address and overlay a digital duplicate on the wi-fi... (Eliot throws a rock and breaks it) Or that.
Eliot: Let's go.
Alec: I'm sorry it was too far away for you to punch. I'm sure that really frustrates you.

Sophie: It's got to be counterfeit.
Parker: Umm, it's real. It feels real.
Eliot: Hey. What you got going on, you and Hardison, is it like a creepy contest?

Dr. Laroque: The world doesn't work this way.
Nate: So change the world.

Alec: You know, it sucks to be the good guy.
Nate: You haven't figured it out yet, have you? Just because you're the good guys now, doesn't mean you can't have a little fun along the way.