Gloria: Where is the penalty?!
Jay: Gloria, they're zero and six. Let's take it down a notch.
Jay: I'll give you fifty dollars if you don't go through with this.
Manny: I'm eleven. What am I going to do with money?
Jay: What are you going to do with a sixteen year old?
Phil: I'm cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL, laugh out loud; OMG, oh my god; WTF, why the face.
Gloria: We're very different. Jay's from the city. He has big business. I come from a small village, very poor but very very beautiful. It's the number one village in all Colombia for all the (to Jay) what's the word?
Gloria: Yes, the murders.
Claire: I was out of control growing up. There. You know, I said it. I just don't want my kids to make the same bad mistakes I made. If ... if Haley never wakes up on a beach in Florida half-naked, I've done my job.
Phil: Our job.
Claire: Right. I've done our job.
Cameron: Yes, I've gained a few extra pounds while we were expecting the baby. Which has been very difficult, but apparently, your body does a nesting, very maternal, primal thing where it retains nutrients. Some sort of molecular physiology thing. But that's science. You can't -- you can't fight it.
Claire: What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this.
Phil: Buddy, uncool.
Claire: That's it? No. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.
Phil: We were serious about that?
Claire: Yes, we were, and now you have to follow through.
Luke: I'm so sorry!
Claire: Liar. Go.
Phil: He's got a birthday party.
Alex: What's more important here, Dad?
Claire: You can shoot him afterward. He'll be home at 2:00.
Phil: I can't shoot him at 2:00. I'm showing a house at 2:00.
Alex: What about 3:00?
Claire: No, he's got a soccer game at 3:00, and then-- Oh, we got to leave for that dinner thing at 5:00. 4:15. We could shoot him at 4:15.
Phil: Yeah, I guess that works for me. (Luke groans) Sorry, dude. It's on the calendar.
Phil: Kids! Get down here!
Haley: Why are you guys yelling at us? We were way upstairs. Just text me.