Mitchell: You would not believe how some of these people dress their kids. Lily's friend just pulled a Britney Spears getting out of a sandbox car.

Mitchell: It's time to play everyone's favorite game.
Cameron: "Let's blame the gay dads"!
Mitchell: You know who had straight parents? Adolf Hitler.
Cameron: Charles Manson.
Mitchell: Shall we go on?
Cameron: Naomi Campbell.

Phil: You ever think about maybe not being a jerk to me so much?
Jay: Now, see, you got to stop taking that stuff personally. I'm like that with everybody. I'm tough!
Phil: And... mean.
Jay: I don't like to take guff!
Phil: Or people's feelings into consideration.
Jay: Okay, okay. I can't swear my way's the right way. I see you smiling, skipping around, and I think sometimes... I don't know... Maybe the boys would be better off if they were a little bit more like you.
Phil: You know, skipping burns more calories than running. That's...
Jay: We're done here.

Gloria: I hate how those women look at me. You think I don't know what they're thinking? "Ah, here comes the hot one with the big boobies that is gonna steal my husband." And maybe they don't let their kids play with Manny. I volunteer because I want them to see that there's so much more to me.