The episode begins and Claire and Phil get a call in the middle of the night. Haley has been arrested for underage drinking at school. They move quickly to get dressed and call Mitchell to help them in case Haley needs a lawyer. That leaves Cameron to deal with Alex and Luke. Cam automatically assumes Claire doesn't trust him with three kids and when they call Jay to tell him. Gloria tells Claire to "take a lot of cash, and when you flash it to the police, do not speak about it". Next morning, Cam tells the kids Haley has won a big award and their parents went up to congratulate her.
Lily though, blurts out the truth. Cam then serves them bacon made of soy. Luke loves it. But turns out, Luke is highly allergic to soybeans. Now Cam has to drag three kids to the hospital. Claire on her part has no problem taking her time to get to Haley, given she wants Haley to sit in jail for a while and she is ticked Phil is being so calm about everything. Jay isn't getting out of a rough day, either. His ex-wife, DeDe is passing through town and wants to pick up an old photo album.
Jay doesn’t want her to know Gloria is pregnant because DeDe has hung on to that one last thought she is the mother of his kids, not Gloria. Jay calls up Clair and is wondering why the Dunphys don't get a real lawyer, not someone who defends pandas. “Haley needs someone who knows criminal law. Like Perry Mason” he says. “So I'm not a real lawyer, but Perry Mason is?” Mitch argues. DeDe arrives and makes Jay's day a living hell by talking about her “telescoping uterus”. At the hospital, Cameron is dealing with his issues. He gets Luke a shot for his allergy.
Turns out the Dunphys simply have to post bail and do not really need a lawyer, although Haley is also booked for assaulting an officer. She landed on him as she was trying to escape the party the cops busted. Luke wants to know why hospital gowns tie in the back, not the front. Alex is ticked she isn't in school, but out-thinking a group of med school students encourages her to get an education at the hospital. Gloria comes back from stroller shopping which she couldn't get Jay to accompany her to, and Jay steadies himself for the inevitable violence, given DeDe's track record in the past with Gloria. But all DeDe does is laugh.
Now that Gloria is pregnant, he would have to raise a kid instead of having smooth sailing with his hot young wife. Haley is taking it all in her stride, and not even caring she has a university disciplinary board review to attend. Phil as a result loses it. “You're not the victim here. You're the one who screwed up. You make one bad decision after another, and now you're about to blow everything your mother and I worked so hard to give you. And the worst thing is you don't seem to care”. He then mentions how she hasn’t even apologized to them for her actions. “Now put on some real clothes and we will see you at the hearing. And don't be late” he adds. Gloria and DeDe bond quite well over Jay-bashing. DeDe can't stop talking about how he never helped her with Claire and Mitchell.
That gets Gloria upset. At the discipline hearing, things aren't going well. Mitchell can't help, and the student rep is someone who gets ignored all the time in their Econ class. Haley, still stunned by Phil's speech earlier, starts admitting her faults. All of them, like missing morning classes and lifting the scale with her pinky finger when weighing her salad at the cafeteria. She knows she has screwed up and is prepared to make things right. Alex faints at watching a C-section take place. Jay tells her the reason he didn't help back then was because he was working his tail off to provide food and shelter. DeDe and he were living paycheck to paycheck.
But now that Jay had lots of money and much more time on his hands, he promises to help with everything. He even tells her he wants to help get the stroller. While Cam is driving the kids back home from the hospital Alex says she is fine. “Now I know I'll never be a doctor...or ever have a baby” she adds. Alex tells Cam, Claire actually thinks he's a great parent and he is visibly happy to hear this. “Making a child is the easy part. The hard part is everything else. Keeping them safe, making sacrifices for them, and standing by them, even when they let you down” says Gloria.
Haley’s parents hug her and take her back to their house after she is expelled from college. Haley vows to them that she shall “buckle down and get serious”. Haley returns home and then she and Alex begin fighting again. The episode ends at this point.