The episode begins and Jay has a great idea for New Year's. He's taking Gloria, Phil, Claire, Cameron, and Mitchell to Palm Springs to a hotel he used to frequent that has a wonderful New Year's package. Haley has volunteered to take care of the kids, mainly because she doesn’t want to go to any parties and hear how awesome college is from her friends. Phil and Claire are happy to put her in charge. But, it’s actually Alex who will be in charge, as she doesn’t have any parties to go to. Lily is relieved Alex is in charge.
Jay was last at the hotel in Palm Springs around 1974-1975 and the hotel doesn’t look like it has been upgraded since that time, even though the pictures in the brochure looked beautiful. Phil and Claire aren't too impressed with their room. The bellhop tells them there is a secluded hot spring nearby. Claire brightens up at that, since it has been at least a month since she has had sex. Phil thinks it would be rude to ditch her father, but Claire talks him into it. Mitchell and Cameron have a similar idea, given a hot gay nightclub isn't far from the hotel. Back at home, Haley isn't all that up for playing The Hunger Games with everybody else. But Luke has other plans for the evening. Her name is Becca. Manny is suddenly his wingman to Becca's friend, Joyce.
Becca has no problem ditching Joyce to go to Luke's room. Haley and Alex don’t think Luke should go to his room with a girl. Haley and Alex go up to Luke's room, and try a compromise, saying he has to leave his door open. This creeps out Luke because he thinks they want to watch him make out with Becca. Joyce's snotty attitude on the other hand gets Manny ticked off. Phil and Claire in the meantime are telling Luke stories, and it is actually putting Gloria to sleep. Mitch and Cam get even more upset when Claire pulls the fake sickness out before they can. Fortunately, Gloria can't seem to wake up, so Jay takes her up to the room, hoping he can still have some Cherries Jubilee with the family. By the time he gets back, they ditch him. But he'll still take the Cherries Jubilee.
Cam and Mitch make it to the Beacon, where they can't get waited on by the bartender, they're the only ones who are wearing shirts, and get hit in the face by some underwear while they are dancing. Phil and Claire finally figure out the bellhop was a bit crazy but that doesn’t help Claire, who bemoans the fact it has been over a month since they had sex. Claire is in fact losing it. She doesn’t want them to turn into a couple where they have twin beds and he starts calling her “mother”. That's as far as she gets when Phil lays one very hot kiss on her. They go to find the hot spring to go have sex. It works out great, until the Nude Year's Eve party going on in the hot spring. Jay in the meantime is ready to call it a night, but Gloria is snoring in the New Year.
Thankfully, there is a poker game going on with special guest star Billy Dee Williams as Billy Dee Williams. He is glad there is someone at the poker table that has seen one of his movies that came out after Mahogany. As for Cam and Mitchell, they decide to keep trying until they find a place because they want to feel young. They find a gay bar for the octogenarian crowd. That makes them feel young. Joyce in the meantime apologizes for her behavior and is having a good time with Manny. Luke is having problems with Haley and Alex. Haley correctly guesses Becca's parents don’t know there are no adults in the Dunphy house at the moment. She asks Becca to leave as a result. Luke lashes out at Haley but Alex takes Haley's side. Luke storms out, saying he hates her. Jay's night is a lot of fun, with Gloria right behind him.
Billy Dee Williams introduces himself to Gloria. Despite Jay's excuse everybody ditches him; Gloria needs her dozen grapes for her midnight tradition. Billy offers to take them to his house, since every night is New Year's. Billy has actually heard of this tradition since he did that episode of The Love Boat with Charo. Everybody makes the best of the New Year, including Jay, Gloria, and Billy Dee Williams watching the L.A. Fireworks from high above the city. Haley and Alex enjoy their drinks as midnight hits. The episode ends at this point.