Earl: And as handi-capable as one legged Didi was, her no legged boyfriend was handi-capabler.
Catalina: How many times did this robot guy hit you with that sign?
Earl: I don't know. I blacked out after about seven. Still can't figure out why he took my boots. Seems like a pointless crime.
Randy: Man I wish I had robot legs or robot hands. Robot hands would be cool with like a knife finger and a spoon and a fork finger and a toothbrush finger and a comb finger and a bottle opener finger and a flashlight finger and a screw driver finger, but regular thumbs. Ya gotta have regular thumbs.
Earl: Whether it was getting behind Ford, McGovern, Carter, or the metric system, my father was always on the losing side of things.
Randy: Was it my fault we got caught?
Earl: Of course it was your fault. I was half way down the block with the basket of money and you tripped over your damn dress. I told ya to go as a priest, but no, you thought it would be funny to dress as a nun. If you'd just listen to me instead of worrying so much about trying...
(They both start laughing.)
Randy: It's funny, isn't it? Is it funny?
Earl: Yeah, it's funny.
Randy: I told you. It's because I'm a man, but I'm dressed like a woman.
Cop: Ma'am, I'm gonna need you to get back in your vehicle. I don't want to use my Taser.
Joy: Oh please, put your little ray gun away.
Randy: Shoot her!
Earl: No, no, no, don't. Don't shoot her!
Randy: Shoot her!
Cop: Get back in your vehicle, miss. I will Tase you.
Joy: I wish you would Tase me. I'll sue your ass so fast you... (Joy gets Tased.)
Earl: How can you hate me, but you'll gamble for marshmallows with Randy?
Earl's Mom: Well there's a difference between you two. See one of you's band and one of you's simple and Earl, you're bad.
Randy: What am I?
Catalina: I'm sure your parents will forgive you eventually. Your mom's sweet and Carl has a very good heart.
Earl: Have you been there too?
Randy: If dad was mayor, we'd get to wear top hats and sashes and judge beauty contests.
Earl: That's Monopoly, Randy.
Rhonda Gibbs: Mr. Hickey, your views on transportation infrastructure?
Earl: One time my dad mad his own driveway sealer out of maple syrup and ground up glass. Randy tried it on pancakes. That's another story.
Randy: Now don't misunderstand the cookie. We like air travel. We just don't like planes flying over our heads. It's all on the back of the cookie.
Randy: Dad, the photographer from the newspaper's here. We gotta hurry though. A chicken truck tipped over on the interstate.
(Gives Earl some money.)
Carl: Here ya go fella. I always like to help the homeless. Don't spend it on booze!
Carl: Move along, hobo!
Earl: Poor people, uneducated people, undesirable people, people like me.
Darnell: I'm already registered to vote. Not that it matters, because until we reform the electoral college the popular vote will be ignored and we'll keep electing presidents who get a minority vote.
Joy: That must be some black stuff. I don't know what he's talking about.