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Mystery Science Theater 3000 :: 101 - The Crawling Eye (01x01)
 
Episode Information
  
Title: 101 - The Crawling Eye
Episode #: 01x01
Production Number: 101
Original Airdate: Sunday November 19th, 1989
Airs On: Comedy Central
10/10 (1 Vote cast)
Episode Crew
Writer: Joel Hodgson
Trace Beaulieu
J. Elvis Weinstein
Kevin Murphy
Michael J. Nelson
Jim Mallon
 
Episode Recap
  
00:00:00
Episode begins

00:00:01
Season One Opening Sequence

00:01:20 
Initial Host Segment

(In a dark dungeon setting, the camera is slowly panning left. Dr Forrester is controlling the camera via a handheld device. Dr. Erhardt comes in, sounding somewhat worried)
Dr. Erhardt: Clay! Clay! I think I was spotted on the way down here!
Dr. Forrester: Did you wear your disguise?
Dr. Erhardt: I was wearing my disguise, but I’m just not very good in heels!
Dr. Forrester: No one must know we’re down here doing this!
Dr. Erhardt: I’m sorry.

00:01:36 
Invention Exchange

Dr. Forrester: Well, it’s time to call Joel about the experiment. Come in,  Joely-Poely, Puddin’ ‘n’ Pie.
0:01:40
(Switch to Joel, Tom and Crow on the bridge of the Satellite of Love)
Joel:  Hey Sirs, I’m ready for this week’s invention exchange. Check this thing out.
(He pulls a device from behind the desk. It consists of an electric grass/leaf blower with a bagpipe bladder attached to the output hose)
Joel: I just made it. It’s the world’s only Electric Bagpipes. Alright.
(He turns the device on and an annoying bagpipe squeal begins)
Crow: Wow.
(Joel begins to play and sing and the ‘bots join him)  A-may-zing Grace, how sweet the sound!
(Mercifully, they abandon the hymn)

Electric Bagpipes

00:02:05
Joel:  Okay, and the robots and I have worked up a special cover version of Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love”. You ready, guys?
Crow and Tom: Ready.
Joel: …Two, Three.
Joel, Tom and Crow: (singing) She’s gotta a whole lotta love.
(Bagpipe squeals)
Joel, Tom and Crow: (singing) Wanna whole lotta love.
(Bagpipe squeals)
Joel, Tom and Crow: (singing) She’s gotta a whole lotta love.
(Bagpipe squeals)
Joel, Tom and Crow: (singing) A really whole lotta love.
(Bagpipe squeals, and the song ends)
00:02:26
(Switch to Deep 13, where Dr. Erhardt has a major headache and Dr. Forrester examines him)
Dr. Forrester: I love it! Look, Larry’s corneas are bleeding.
Dr. Erhardt: Ow.
Dr. Forrester:  Well, it’s time we sent you our experimental nugget this week, Joel. Now, human underarm perspiration is something that happens to everyone after they go through puberty, which I assume includes you, Joel.
(The Mads snicker to one another)
Dr. Forrester: (pointedly) When’s the last time you saw a dog sweat? (turning to Dr. Erhardt) Larry?
Dr. Erhardt: Never!
Dr. Forrester: Exactly. And why is that?
Dr. Erhardt: Dogs don’t sweat, that’s why.
Dr. Forrester: Exactly. Because of the dog’s pineal gland. Nature’s own canine antiperspirant. Now, you take the pineal gland and you make a serum.
(Dr. Erhardt begins to apply large electrodes to his underarms, on the outside of his suit as Dr. Forrester speaks)
Dr. Forrester: You get a dog. It doesn’t matter what kind of dog. And you inject that serum into a human subject, (he pulls out a syringe) in this case: Larry.
(Dr. Forrester walks around behind Dr. Erhardt, who bends over into position)

Dr. F. looks for the sweet spot

Dr. Forrester:  Now, let’s see. It’s so hard to find a spot I haven’t hit. Uh… what’s this flower, and who’s “Roseanne”?
Dr. Erhardt: Oh, just stick it, will you?
Dr. Forrester:) Sail on, silver bird!
(Dr. Forrester thrusts the syringe deeply into Dr. Erhardt’s behind)
Dr. Erhardt: (in pain) Oh! (he stands straight up)
Dr. Forrester: Now.
Dr. Erhardt: (grimacing) Eees!
Dr. Forrester:   Instantly, the serum races through the blood stream like a Porsche Carrera 911, commandeering each pore… slamming it shut, like a vault at your favorite Savings and Loan.
(Dr. Erhardt begins to salivate with his tongue hanging out like a dog)
Dr. Forrester: And… checking the wetness sensors... (He pulls an electrode from under Dr. Erhardt’s arm) we see that they are free from wetness and/or odor.
(Dr. Erhardt removes the other electrode and sniffs it, recoiling at the smell and panting like a dog. Dr. Forrester pauses and Dr. Erhardt looks at him in earnest)
Dr. Erhardt: (mumbling) Antidote… antidote.
Dr. Forrester: (jumping into action) Oh yes, the antidote. (he injects Dr. Erhardt with a syringe) There you go: the antidote… and here is your treat.
(Dr. Forrester tosses a dog treat into the air and Dr. Erhardt catches it in his mouth, eating it)

The side effects are hardly noticeable

00:03:52
(Switch back to the SOL bridge
Crow: Oh, brother!
Tom: That was pathetic!
Crow: Eww.
Joel:  Hey, no. I thought that was really good, you guys. You’re doing really well and I think that some day you’ll be ready for the Nobel Prize.
Tom: Maybe for fiction.
Crow: He, he, he.
Joel: Hey, I noticed you moved. You guys must’ve got kicked out of Gizmonic institute for shooting us into space like this, I bet.
00:04:11
(Switch back to Deep 13)
Dr. Erhardt: Oh don’t be ridiculous, we moved!
Dr. Forrester: Er, it’s our grand reopening. (He makes the camera zoom out to show more of the dungeon they are in. Making a grand gesture) Welcome to Deep 13!

Look, it's Deep 13!

00:04:19
(Switch back to the SOL bridge)
Joel:  Deep 13? Wait a minute, that’s in the sub-basement of Gizmonic Institute! I had to clean up a flubber spill once there. It’s incredibly radioactive!
(Switch to Deep 13)
Dr. Erhardt: But it hasn’t affected our brain any!
Dr. Forrester: We like it here! Now we’re even closer to the atomic pile. (He puts his arm around Dr. Erhardt and causes the camera to zoom in) And one day…
(Switch to The SOL bridge)
Joel: Well, I suppose it’s time for you guys to start experimenting on us again.
( to Deep 13)
Dr. Forrester: (angrily) I’ll tell you when it’s time to do the movie,  you Squinty-Eyed Space Chimp!
Dr. Erhardt: (tapping Dr. Forrester) Oh, uh Clay? It is time.
(Dr. Forrester reacts physically)
Dr. Forrester: Oh. Yeah, I knew that…
Dr. Erhardt: Nice insult, though.
Dr. Forrester: Thank you. Well, it’s a real stinkburger of a film this week, Joel. It’s called The Crawling Eye.
Dr. Erhardt: (laughing) Oh, it’s got a bad audio track. It’s in black and white. And worst of all, it stars Forrest Tucker.
Dr. Forrester: Hmm… Good name. Bad actor.
(Dr. Erhardt laughs)
Dr. Forrester: I’ll put in the tape.
(Dr. Erhardt laughs maniacally and starts some organ music. Dr Forrester also laughs evilly)

00:05:12
1st Movie Segment
Student climber dies; credit arrows point; our hero Alan gets the girls; a whole lotta unpacking goes on.

00:15:09
1st Commercial Break

00:15:15
2nd Movie Segment
We find out that: Alan packs heat, Philip checks up on Alan, Europeans like to drink, Alan and the professor have a "past", even Switzerland suffers from "pork barrel" projects.

00:24:38
(Joel and the ‘bots exit the theater)

00:24:48 
1st Host Segment

(Joel, Tom and Crow are on the bridge of the Satellite of Love)
Joel: Okay, what do you guys think of the movie so far?
Crow:  Well, I thought there’d be more music. You know, more of a Julie Andrews quality.
Tom: “Julie Andrews quality”, isn’t that a contradiction in terms?
Joel: Now come on, Crow. What did you think of the movie so far?
Crow: Uh, well Joel. I can’t understand is why everyone’s so upset about losing their heads. What’s so bad about that? I’ve seen Servo’s head on the work bench lots of times!
Tom: Yes, screws right off. It’s a pop top.
Joel: (laughs) Well listen, it’s not like that. It’s really… Human beings are made completely different, you guys. Once our heads are separated from our bodies, that’s pretty much the end of the show for us. It’s just the way we’re made.
Crow: Can’t you use your backup copy and reboot?
Joel: Uh no, no... Nope, nothing like that.
Crow: Well, then why do people say that they’re always, uh like, “I’d lose my head if it wasn’t screwed on”?
Tom: Yeah, people often say their heads aren’t in the right places.
Crow: Yeah, and Joel once I heard the scientists talking and they said you had your head up your a.. (Joel quickly covers Crow’s mouth)
Joel: Uh, well uh Crow, that was just a figure of speech. Alright?
Crow: “Figure of speech”? Now what’s that supposed to mean?
Tom: Oh, like a “body of a paragraph”, perhaps?
Crow: I think that’s a “literary figure”.
Tom:  Oh, maybe like Edna St. Vincent Millay?
Crow: Now there’s a body!
Joel: Now listen you guys. I’m trying to teach you something, alright?
Tom: Joel, what about head games?
Crow: … and head trips?
Tom:  And how do you explain head cheese?
Joel: Well, uh head cheese? I don’t explain head cheese. But uh, here are some people who do.
(Joel points at the camera)

Do you know what's in head cheese?


00:26:14
2nd Commercial Break

00:26:19
3rd Movie Segment
Exciting scanner readings; spying on climbers; cabin fever; real psy-chicks!

00:38:21
3rd Commercial Break

00:38:26
4th Movie Segment
*Ding-dong* pizza guy!; the hunt for red oktoberfest; the girls don't leave Trollenberg.

00:45:54
4th Commercial Break

00:45:59 
2nd Host Segment

[(Tom and Crow are on the bridge of the Satellite of Love)
Crow: He’s not gonna like this!
(Pan right to Tom)
Tom: And I’m not gonna tell him. You tell him!
(Pan left to Crow)
Crow: Well, maybe he won’t notice.
(Pan right to Tom)
Tom: (sarcastic) Oh, yeah. Right. Hey Cambot, could you speed this up a little bit?
(Joel enters from the right. )
Crow: Uh oh!
Tom: Oh! He’s here! Oh!
Crow: Joel, I don’t want to uh, be teacher’s pet or anything but Gypsy uncoiled herself again! Geez!
Joel: Yes she did. Cambot could you widen it out so everybody can see this?
(Cambot zooms out to show the whole scene. There are black plastic pipe tubes running all over the place, even up into the ceiling)
Joel: (calling out) Gypsy, I know you’re in here! Quit hiding! (he looks around for her) You clown, get out here! (to Tom and Crow) Oh, let’s do that thing we did, okay?
Tom: Alright.
Joel: It’s too bad Gypsy’s not here, huh Crow and Servo?
Tom and Crow: Yeah!
Joel:  Guess she’s going to miss out on those piping hot RAM chips!
Tom and Crow: Mmm!
(Gypsy pops up)
Gypsy: RAM chips?
Joel: Oh, alright. I knew you were around here somewhere. Listen, you know you’re not supposed to come out without using the service portal. Now look, I want to show you this. (he grabs her eye flashlight and points it at her coils everywhere) See this big mess you’ve got all over the place?
Gypsy: (upset) Put it back! Put it back!
Joel: Hey, this is how you look, okay? (he puts Gypsy’s eye back into place) Now otherwise we’re going to have excess service spinal bundle all over the place.
Gypsy: What?
Joel: The black stuff.
Gypsy: Okay.
Gypsy: Joel?
Joel: What’s that?
Gypsy: I’ve got an itch.
Tom: (sarcastic) Wonderful! Terrific!
Joel: (sarcastic) Oh terrific, she’s got an itch. Okay.
Tom: (sarcastic) Happy day!
Joel: Okay where is it, Gypsy?
Gypsy: Vertebrae 6905 to 7019.
Joel: Vertebrae 6905 to 7018. Okay, you guys start scratching. Where’s my rake?
Tom: (as he falls off the desk) Whoa!
(all three guys start scratching Gypsy’s coils)
Crow: Oh, I hate it when she gets diode rash!
Joel: Me too! Uh Tom Servo, I think uh you’re scratching on the solar collector cable.
Tom: Oh great.
Joel: So am I. Wait a minute now, here…
Tom: (perturbed) Why am I doing this? I hate being the end man! I scratch here, it takes her six hours to feel it in her head!
Joel: I know what you mean.

Scratch that itch!

Crow: Uh Joel, oh. I don’t want to ask a stupid question, but why’d you make her so big?
Joel: Well, you know how… it’s kind of like when you start connecting you know, paperclips together and you get hooked on it?
Crow: Well, yeah.
Joel: It’s kind of like that.
Tom: (shocked) Oh my!
Joel: What’s that, Tom?
Tom: Uh Joel, you remember when we were speculating on her sex?
Joel: Yeah?
Tom: Well, I think I may have narrowed it down here.
Joel: Oh yeah?
Tom: Oh, oh. Check that. (laughs) Sorry, false alarm.
Joel: Oh, wait a minute. Here’s the um… I think I found the problem. She’s jammed in here behind the door.
Crow:  Hey, don’t open that door, McGee!
(Joel opens the door and several coils come falling out of the ceiling)
Joel: Happens every time! We got movie sign!!!

00:48:24
Movie Sign

00:48:34
5th Movie Segment
Party on! a.k.a. Brett gets a head; Anne is Hans-delivered back down the mountain; Alan decides to do nothing; Brett is a changed man.

01:00:55
5th Commercial Break

01:01:00
6th Movie Segment
Brett gets a head... again; Hans down - everyone else up; follow the bouncing ball; we've got eyes for you... finally.

01:09:36
(Joel and the ‘bots leave the theater)

01:09:47 
3rd Host Segment

(Joel, Tom and Crow are on the bridge of the Satellite of Love)
Crow: Oh, Joel. It was so horrifying!
Joel: Yeah, really? You think so?
Tom: So ugly! So hideous!
Joel: Uh, yeah that was some eye wasn’t it?
Crow: No, not the eye. We’re talking about Forrest Tucker.
Tom:  Oh, yeah all that Vitalis, those prop glasses and those heavy… dramatic… pauses. I’m drained!
Joel: No, you guys. No, you got it wrong. You see, the eye is what’s horrible about this movie. Think about it. Otherwise, it would have been called “The Crawling Forrest Tucker”.
Tom: I guess. Joel, what’s so scary about a big eye, anyway?
Joel: Oh, I see. Well, it’s another human being thing. You know, any time we’re confronted with some, uh, appendage of ours that’s disconnected and free roaming, rogue, you know, genetically bloated to ten times its normal size… we’re automatically scared.
Crow: Especially if they run in packs!
Joel: Yeah.
Tom: Oh, I know what you mean. Once I got hassled by a pack of really tough pituitary glands. And you know how immature they can be.
Joel: Right.
Crow: I still don’t see why it’s so scary. You could just walk up to it and throw salt at it.
Tom: Or just a squeeze of lemon juice.
Joel:  Right, I know. It’s kind of a plot hole. But let’s kind of look it over. You see, these… Okay, these giant eyes come from a world that’s uh, designed for them, you know. It’s completely compatible, like uh their highways are made out of Nerf and uh, oh they don’t have to take shop classes…
Crow:  And they only use baby shampoo?
Joel: Right. Right, exactly. So anyway, they come down from this planet and they decide to land on a mountain peak.
Tom: Which is really stupid, because as we all know a giant sharp point is a giant eye’s natural enemy!
Joel: Bingo! So anyway, they come down and uh, they fouled up their atmosphere somehow. I don’t know, it’s hay fever season or something and they figured they’d come down to Earth. We’ll have our first frost already done with. So they come down and they have no concept of anything at all like wearing safety glasses or protective eyewear of any kind.
Crow: Joel, I think we’ve already spent more time examining this plot than the writers ever did.
Tom: (looking straight at the camera) Now here’s something you’ll really like!

Joel explains why giant eyes would want to invade Earth


01:11:45
6th Commercial Break

01:11:50
7th Movie Segment
The cable car trip is less than eye-deal; Hans off(ed)!; Alan mixes cocktails; beyond the door a.k.a. knock once if it's you.

01:22:20
7th Commercial Break

01:22:25
8th Movie Segment
The eyes almost have it; thank God for fire power!

01:27:45
(Joel and the ‘bots leave the theater)

01:27:55 
Final Host Segment

(Joel, Tom, Crow and Gypsy are on the bridge of the Satellite of Love)
Joel: Alright, that’s the end of the movie everybody! And you know what that means.
Tom, Crow and Gypsy: Yay!
Joel:  RAM chips and dip.

Who wants RAM chips?

Tom, Crow and Gypsy: Yay!
Joel: And afterwards, a borium power flush.
Tom, Crow and Gypsy: Boo!
Joel: I’m just kidding.
Tom, Crow and Gypsy: Yay!
Joel: Okay, now you know how it works.
Gypsy: (nuzzling the bowl of RAM chips) RAM chips, RAM chips!
Joel: No, no! Just wait your turn. You’ll get a RAM chip. Crow, you go first. Now, tell me a good thing about the movie and the bad thing and you get your RAM chip. Good thing?
Crow: Uh, the good thing was: it wasn’t longer.
Joel: Okay, and the bad thing?
Crow: It was this long.
Joel: Okay, there’s your RAM chip, pal-ee.
Crow: Yay!
Joel: Okay, open up. There you go!
Gypsy: (nuzzling the bowl of RAM chips again) Can I have a RAM chip now?
Joel: No, no! Wait on your RAM chip, Gypsy. Okay, Tom Servo.
Tom: Alright. Okay, let’s see… The good thing was… is that we didn’t have to watch them clean up the vitreous humor all over from the eyes exploding.
Joel: Well…
Tom:  Okay, imagine you sign up that day for Kelly Temps, Trollenberg office of course, they give you a leaky bucket and turkey baster, send you up the mountain… now you’re on cleanup crew!
Joel: And the bad thing?
Tom: Well, the bad thing was, um… the movie, it was ambitious, but lacked vision…
Crow: Well, hindsight is 20/20…
Joel: Here’s your RAM chip, pal.
Tom: Thank you!
Gypsy: I want a RAM chip now!
Joel: Okay, okay. It’s time for your RAM chip, Gypsy. All you gotta do is answer the questions and you get the RAM chips, okay?
Gypsy: Okay.
Joel: Alright. Tell me a good thing about the movie.
Gypsy: (pausing) Hey, can I have a RAM chip now?
Joel: Uh, well… tell me a bad thing about the movie, Gypsy.
(Gypsy is silent)
Joel:  Oh, you don’t know? Okay, okay. Just answer this one question. I’ll give you a RAM chip. I’ll give you RAM chips, okay? What’s two plus two?
Gypsy: (after a long pause) Richard Basehart?
Joel: Oh good one. There you go.
(Joel puts the entire bowl of RAM chips into Gypsy’s mouth)
Tom: What? She got it?
Joel: Okay, well. That’s the end of the experiment, you guys. Hope you’re happy.
01:29:48
(Switch to Deep 13, where the Mads are looking at a computer screen)
Dr. Erhardt: Oh, I’m happy. Are you happy?
Dr. Forrester: Oh, I’m happy. Here, file this!
(Dr Forrester hands a clipboard to Dr. Erhardt and they both laugh)
Dr. Forrester: Well, we’ll see you next time,  Joely-Poely, Pudding ‘n’ Pie!
(Dr. Forrester pushes a button and the transmission ends)

01:30:02
End credits roll.

Created by
Joel Hodgson

Produced by
Jim Mallon

Written by
Trace Beaulieu
Joel Hodgson
Jim Mallon
Kevin Murphy
Mike Nelson
Josh Weinstein

Featuring
Joel Hodgson’s
Puppet Bots

Crow
Trace Beaulieu

Servo
Josh Weinstein

Gypsy
Jim Mallon


Also featuring

Trace Beaulieu
As Dr. Clayton Forrester

Josh Weinstein
As Dr. Laurence Erhardt

Associate Producer
Kevin Murphy

Production Manager
Alexandra B. Carr

Edited by
Randy Davis

Art Direction
Trace Beaulieu
Joel Hodgson

Set Design
Trace Beaulieu
Joel Hodgson

Lighting
Kevin Murphy

Make-up
Faye Burkholder
Clayton James

Costumes
Bow Tie

Gizmonic Devices
Joel Hodgson

Production Assistants
Jann Johnson
Steve Rosenberer
Sara J. Sandborn

“The Love Theme from
Mystery Science Theatre 3000”

Lyrics by
Joel Hodgson
Josh Weinstein

Music by
Charlie Erickson
Joel Hodgson

Performed by
Joel and The Joels

Mastered at
Blue Light Music
Minneapolis

Production / Post Production
Provided by
Fuller Productions
Minneapolis, Minnesota

Production Staff
Ken Fournelle
Jim Fuller

Production Assistant
Jim Erickson

Special Thanks to
Randy Herget
Skyline, Inc.
Bryan Beaulieu
KTMA TV23
The Teachers of America
David Campbell
Rick Leed

© 1989 Best Brains, Inc.
All Rights Reserved


01:31:08
Episode ends.
 
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