103 - Mad Monster - Recap

00:00:00
Episode begins

00:00:01
Season One Opening Sequence

00:01:26 Initial Host Segment
(In Deep 13, the camera is slowly panning left. Dr. Forrester is controlling the camera via a handheld device and Dr. Erhardt is next to him)
Dr. Erhardt: ...and they promised me students but all I got were monkeys. Monkeys, monkeys! So I took off my wetsuit, dropped that hedge clipper, walked out of that zoo forever!
Dr. Forrester: Wow, you've created quite a little world for yourself, Larry.
(Dr. Erhardt nods and smiles)
Dr. Erhardt: Hey, tell me about when you went mad now.
Dr. Forrester: Well, it was the Ice Capades. I was hot riveting my kneecap for Peggy Fleming's zamboni. Or maybe it was '56; Sun Valley. I was found behind the soft serve machine, drooling over a picture of Dick Buttons. Or perhaps Oslo, when I was found drunk and woozy, scratching the name Polar Cranston into my upper thigh with a nail. You see what I've got...
(Dr. Forrester begins reaching down as if to remove his pants)
Dr. Erhardt: (interrupting) Was that when you went mad?
Dr. Forrester: (posing) No, that's when I became a scientist.
Dr. Erhardt: (disappointed) Oh. (looking at his watch) Oh, oh! Speaking of science, it's time to call Joel. We have to start the experiment. The movie's great this week!
Dr. Forrester: Ah, yes. Yes. (turning a dial) Come in Joel, you Fancy-Pantsy-Nancy Boy.
 Invention Exchange
00:02:17
(Switch to the bridge of the Satellite of Love. Joel is there alone)
Joel: Hey Sirs, I'm ready for this week's invention exchange. Bring it in a little bit, Cambot. This is a special purse I developed for women who are sick and tired of the constant threat of getting their purse snatched.
(He holds up a small purse)
Joel: See how it looks like an ordinary handbag. Uh, when street thugs open it... voila! (Flames come out of the purse) Hell in a handbag!

Hell-in-a-Handbag
(Switch back to Deep 13, where Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester are clinging to each other in fear. They quickly separate)
Dr. Forrester: Nice use of pain, Joelmeister. Now, here's ours. As you know, toy manufacturers are always making their toys too safe. What children want is realism...
(He makes the camera pan down where Dr. Erhardt is playing on the floor with army men and a large Godzilla-like monster)
Dr. Erhardt: ... and danger! That's why we created the Acetylene Powered Thunder Lizard!
(Dr. Forrester pops his head down into the shot, wearing silly glasses with slanted "asian" eyes)
Dr. Forrester: Yes, it's a role playing game and it comes complete with these costume glasses.
Dr. Erhardt: Just set up your field of play and then reach out and torch someone!
(He lights the lizard's "breath" and begins melting the army men while giggling hysterically)

Acetylene-Powered Thunder Lizard
Dr. Erhardt: Look at him go!
(Switch back to the SOL bridge)
Joel: Wow, that's really sick and twisted.
(Switch back to Deep 13)
Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester: Thank you!
Dr. Erhardt: Now here's something that will really rub you wrong!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, it's one of our favorites. It's called "Mad Monster".
Dr. Erhardt: I'ts got a neat little laboratory tucked behind a bookcase and a couch you can shove victims through!
Dr. Forrester: Yes and the screen is alive with stray hair and spirit gum.
Dr. Erhardt: Oh. Oh, and we have the second installment of "Rocket Men on the Moon"! Oh-ho-ho yes.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, this one is called the "Molten Terror".
(The both chuckle evilly. Switch to the SOL bridge, where movie sign is flashing)
Joel: Oh, movie sign!
(Joel slaps the desk)

00:03:54
1st Movie Segment

00:17:09
(Joel and the ‘bots exit the theater)

00:17:20 1st Host Segment
(Tom is on the SOL bridge. There is a blender on the desk)

A chance encounter
Tom: (singing) Macho, macho man! I've got to be a macho... (he notices the blender) Hey! Excuse me, miss. Say, I've never noticed you on the ship before. I'm Tom Servo, man about satellite. You know, I know I look small and all but I'm really built like a Cuisinart... at least that's what they tell me. You know, you're kind of quiet. I like that in a woman, really! Too many of the gals I know just like to rub exotic oils on me and fan me, you know. It's okay, if you know what I mean. Well, maybe you don't. I need a change, though! I need a woman more my speed and I noticed you have 11 of 'em. (pause) Oh... did I offend you? I see you're blushing. (he looks closer) No... that's tomato juice. I love a woman with juice in her head! It's quite a turn-on to me, my little scientific calculator! (he laughs) Ever gotten a wild hair and just filled your head with guacamole just for the hell of it? I'm the kind of robot who likes to throw caution to the wind, if you know what I mean. And if you do, please tell me. (laughs) Hey, I see you've still got a power cord! I like a woman with a healthy power source, I really do! You know, I'm coming on a bit strong I know and I'm sorry but I love your lines! God, you've got classic features: crush, grate, chop, whip... Baby, you've got it all!
(Joel enters and turns on the blender)
Tom: (hearing the blender) Wha? Oh, and a lovely singing voice too! Oh, you do have it all! Joel, I'm in lov...
(Joel turns off the blender, removes the lid and proceeds to drink out of it)

Joel uses Tom's new girlfriend
Tom: (aghast) Joel? Joel. Joel! That's it! The gauntlet's been thrown! Nobody drinks from my gal!
Joel: What are you talking about, Tom?
Tom: (incensed) My gal! I'm in love and you're drinking from her!
(Tom begins attacking Joel)
Joel: Tom... Tom, it's a blender!
Tom: (suddenly calming down) Oh. A blender. I knew that. (turns and leaves to the right, singing) Macho, macho man. I've got to be... (off screen) 'scuse me, miss. I've noticed you... Oh. excuse me, Mr. Coffee.

00:19:09
1st Commercial Break

00:19:11
2nd Movie Segment

00:42:54
2nd Commercial Break

00:43:24 2nd Host Segment
(Joel, Tom and Crow are on the SOL bridge)
Tom: Joel, is the wolf man actually eating his victims or is he just simply mauling them in this movie?
Joel: Well, that's one thing we don't know Tom Servo. You know, back then all the violence was implied. You know. Today, on Earth there's nothing left to the viewer's imagination in movies, you know. It's not at all uncommon to see a complete on-screen evisceration... in complete Dolby stereo sound and wide screen Technicolor.
Crow: Wow, that really sounds neat. Uh but Joel, say a wolf man eats a guy. A normal person weighs in about 150 or 200 pounds. Does that mean the wolf man weighs 3 to 4 hundred pounds after just one meal?
Joel: Well, uh... what you have to understand Crow is that is a science fiction movie. It's pretend. It's not real. And besides a human being can't eat a whole other human being... at least not in one setting.
Crow: Especially if he fills up on bread first.
Joel: Right, right.

Contemplating practical lycanthropy
Tom: Oh, hey Joel. What if this guy goes into this thing a vegetarian? Does he start rampaging victory gardens? Does he become the terror of the produce aisle?
Crow: Yeah, and say a guy changes back to normal before swallowing a mouthful of townsfolk... uh, does that make him a cannibal or just a meat 'n' potatoes werewolf?
Joel: Crow, it's science fiction.
Crow: Oh yeah, we're supposed to suspend our disbelief.
(Joel and Tom sigh in agreement)
Tom: What if he ordered a hoagie in a restaurant and there was a hair in it? What would happen?
Joel: Well, uh, remember he is a wolf man. So he probably wouldn't send it back, unless it was, uh, a ponytail or something like that you know.
Crow: Ick.
Tom: Yech! Ugh! Uh, has there ever been an instance of an animal being turned into human being?
Joel: Uh, on Earth? No, not that I know of.
Crow: What about Kenny Rogers?
Tom: Yeah, Barry Gibb.
Crow: Yeah, C. Everett Koop.
Tom: Or that big guy from the Oakridge Boys!
Crow: Moms Mabley!
(Movie sign flashes)
Tom: (singing) Giddy up, Oom Poppa...
Joel: Movie sign!
(Joel slaps the desk)

01:11:22
(Joel and the ‘bots leave the theater)

01:12:58 3rd Host Segment
(Joel, Tom and Crow are on the SOL bridge but Tom and Crow are sporting each other's heads! Note: the voices stay with the heads not the bodies)
Tom: Is this funny, Joel? Is this supposed to be funny?! You'll notice I'm not laughing, Joel.
Joel: Hey take it easy, Tom Servo. It's just an experiment in transmogrification lycanthropy... just like in the film we're watching, you know? Uh, a human being with the features of a wolf. That's what's going on here.
Tom: (angrily) Oh, so this means I'm supposed to go roaming around the countryside, ravaging people!
Joel: No...
Tom: I look like a geek Joel!
Joel: No, don't worry about it. Just think of it like this: you're my, uh, Servo-Crow-ation.
Tom: (laughing derisively) "Servo-Crow-ation"? Very funny. You turned us into mutants for a pun, Joel?!
(Joel stands the Crow head on Servo's body up on its hoverskirt)
Tom: Not funny. Real mature.
Crow: Oh, wow. What a party! I had the weirdest dream, guys. I... I dreamt I was Ray Milland on Rosie Greer's body. Heh heh. Hey Servo, you look great. That upper body is really co... (angrily) Hey, wait a minute pal... that's my body! Hey, when I said you could borrow some of my stuff, I didn't mean my torso!
Joel: Take it easy, there.
Tom: Listen Crow, here's the story: Dr. Joel F. Frankenstein here thought it would be very, very funny to switch our heads around!
Crow: Oh, great. So you looks like an erector set with a goiter and I've got a body dogs can't resist.
Tom: Oh, that's real funny. You know what else is real funny? I just dumped your load pan.
Crow: Oh yeah, well I oughta...
Joel: Hey come on, come on. Take it easy. It's an experiment. Just tell me how you feel.
Tom: Well, do you wanna know where my head's at, Joel?
Crow: ... or do you want his gut reaction?
(Tom and Crow begin laughing)

Life imitates Art
Tom and Crow: Hey! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Tom: Do you like long walks in the rain?
Crow: Chinese food?
Tom: Mushing up your ice cream?
Tom and Crow: Oh yes! We love us! Our collective brains are more powerful than Joel! There is nothing that can stand in our way! We have seen the future and it is us! Massage a 50-year-old scalp! We are all one! All one! All powerful! Yes! We are Servo-Crow-ation! We shall rule the wo...
(Joel subtly flips a switch on Servo's back, shutting the 'bots down)
Joel: My robots. I think I'll keep them... turned off.

01:13:28
3rd Commercial Break

01:13:33
3rd Movie Segment

01:22:16
4th Commercial Break

01:22:21
4th Movie Segment

01:32:46
(Joel and the ‘bots leave the theater)

01:32:56 Final Host Segment
(Joel, Tom and Crow are on the bridge of the Satellite of Love. Joel is holding a bowl of RAM chips)
Joel: All right, it's the end of the movie you two. You know what happens: say a good thing about the movie and a bad thing about the movie, you get RAM chips.
Crow: RAM chips!
(He sniffs the bowl)
Tom: All right. Okay before my good thing and bad thing, I've got a couple of questions. Um, when Pedro died... did they call the coroner or a vet?
Crow: Yeah, and on his tombstone are they gonna put his age in dog years or human years?
Joel: I think I know a couple of robots that aren't gettin RAM chips tonight if they don't be good...
(Gypsy pops up suddenly)
Gypsy: RAM chips?!
Crow: Oh, uh oh! Well, I thought it was a great film. It was, uh, the feel good film of 1938 or whenever the heck it was made.
Tom: Yeah, I'd give it two thumbs up... if I had thumbs.
Crow: Hey, you had thumbs for a minute, pal. What'd you do with them? You stuck 'em into my access ports, didn't you?
Tom: Excuse me, those were my access ports and my thumbs!
Joel:Listen, if you guys keep arguing, you're not gonna get anything. I'll take 'em all, give 'em to Gypsy.
Gypsy: Yeah, Joel.
Crow: Hey, that's not fair! She wasn't even in the experiment this week!
Joel: Well, that's why I created a peripheral character, so you two could work out your free will. All right?
Crow: I thought we weren't going to delve into ontological discourse week.
Joel: Well, what would you rather have happen? I could turn Gypsy off?
Gypsy: Uh huh!
Crow: Yeah!
Joel: ... and then you could just live the rest of your lives as pan-dimensional beings, would you like that?
Tom: Oh, thus spoke Zarathustra. You know, who made you uberman this week?

Joel gets really deep with the 'bots
Joel: Uh, Sirs, I think that's the end of the experiment this week. Uh, I hope you're pleased.
(Switch back to Deep 13)
Dr. Forrester: Of course we're not pleased. Can't you see a mad scientist has just died?!
Dr. Erhardt: Yeah, what's wrong with you? I hope you and your Little Existential Pals had fun this week.
Dr. Forrester: (handing him a clipboard) Here, file this.
(Dr. Erhardt takes the clipboard and leaves)
(Dr. Forrester pushes a button and the transmission ends)

01:34:24
End credits roll.

Created By
Joel Hodgson

Produced By
Jim Mallon

Written By
Trace Beaulieu
Joel Hodgson
Jim Mallon
Kevin Murphy
Mike Nelson


Note: the remainder of the end credits are missing from all known fan copies

01:34:35
Episode ends.

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