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109 - Project Moon Base - Recap

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00:00:00
Episode begins

00:00:01
Season One Opening Sequence

00:01:29 
Initial Host Segment

(Joel, Tom and Crow are on the bridge of the Satellite of Love. They are each wearing red smoking jackets and Tom is standing in a laundry basket)
Magic Voice: 30 seconds to commercial sign.
(Joel begins wiping the 'bots with a washcloth)

Make 'em spiffy!

Joel: Hi everybody, I'm Joel as you know and I'm the Satellite of Love here. We trapped out here in outer space. Just got done cleaning up the robots for the experiment this week.
(he puts the finishing touches on Tom)
Joel: All nice and clean. There you go!
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 15 seconds.
Joel: Okay, I guess we got a commercial coming up real soon. And we're expecting a call from the Evil Scientists as well, so you might want to stick around.
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 5, 4, 3, 2... Commercial sign now.
(Joel hits the button)
Joel: Stick around. We'll be right back.
(Joel pops a treat into his mouth)

00:02:03
1st Commercial Break

00:02:09 
Invention Exchange

(Joel, Tom and Crow are on the SOL bridge. Joel is holding up a crude drawing)

Pictionary it ain't

Crow: A cow.
Tom: A bowl of Quisp.
Crow: Uh, Gutenberg printing press.
Tom: Uh, oh... the first level ROM card of the free world supercomputer, generation C, 1987!
Joel: (nodding) Right.
Crow: Ohh!
Tom: (excitedly dancing) Yes!!! Yes!!!
(The Mads light begins flashing)
Joel: Hey, the Scientists are calling.
(Joel pushes the button. Switch to Dr. Forrester and Dr. Erhardt in Deep 13)
Dr. Forrester: Come in Joel, my Little Spunk Dumpling.
(Switch back to SOL bridge)
Joel: Hey Sirs, is it time for the invention exchange?
(Switch back to Deep 13)
[]b]Dr. Erhardt: (sarcastically) No, it's time for the AAU swim meet. Yes, it's time for the invention!
Dr. Forrester: Dazzle us, Sparky!
(Switch back to SOL bridge)
Joel: All right, Sirs. This week, I've got a new way of juggling water. Okay, you're gonna help me, Crow. You're gonna pitch to me, so take this turkey baster. Carry it over there. Take it over that-a-way.
(Joel sticks a turkey baster in Crow's mouth, who walks off to the left. Joel picks up two paddles)
Crow: Okay, and I've got these two ping-pong paddles, okay, with special surfaces that repel water. Okay? And Crow, on the count of three I want you to shoot a jet of water here, okay?
Crow: (off screen) Okey dokey!
Joel: Ready? 1... 2... 3!
(A small stream of water shoots, hitting Joel's face)
Tom: Nice shot!
Crow: (off screen) Uh...
Joel: Um, arc it up a little bit, Crow.
Crow: Sorry.
Joel: On the count of three. 1... 2... 3!
(Joel moves one paddle to catch the water)
Joel: Perfect! Good. Got it.
(Joel begins moving the paddles in sequence as he "juggles" the water)

Keep it going!

Joel: See? Look-it! I'm juggling water, you guys!
Tom: Cool!
(Crow enters. Joel begins doing trick juggling)
Joel: See, under the leg!
Crow: Wow!
Tom: Oh! Oh!
Joel: Over the back. Here we go! See, just like that. See? Oops!
(Joel "dropped" the water)
Joel: Lost it.
Crow: Oh!
(Crow shakes himself dry, having apparently gotten wet)
Joel: What do you think, Sirs?
(Switch back to Deep 13)
Dr. Forrester: Oh, I've seen more impressive tricks in a box of Cracker Jacks!
Dr. Erhardt: Well, there are those little, uh, tattoo things. Those lick on...
Dr. Forrester: (stopping him) Larry. Larry... Now, our invention this week combines the arty effect of the old Etch-a-Sketch with the educational pay off of Uncle Miltie's Ant Farm. We call it: The Insect-a-Sketch! Larry?
Dr. Erhardt: What we've done is we've taken the normal directional capabilities of the ant and scrambled them with an ultrasonic directional device: a little guidance system of our own!
(He picks up the insect-a-sketch)

Van Gogh Jr. there needs a little practice

Dr. Erhardt: See? I wrote my name! (he laughs)
Dr. Forrester: Yes and like its predecessor, it clears with a shake.
(He shakes the device)
Dr. Forrester: Very nice, Larry. Now make me a picture of Jokey Smurf.
Dr. Erhardt: (excited) Okay! I'd love to!
(Dr. Forrester hands the device back to Dr. Erhardt, who begins gleefully working on another sketch)
Dr. Forrester: Well, what do you think?
(Switch back to SOL bridge)
Joel: (scowling) Eww, I think it could really bruise a child's tender psyche.
(Switch back to Deep 13)
Dr. Forrester and Dr. Erhardt: Thank you!
Dr. Forrester: Well, our movie this week is called "Project Moonbase" and it features a group of astronauts almost as inept as you are, Joel!
(The Mads laugh)
Dr. Erhardt: And a plot as weak as herbal tea.
Dr. Forrester: Yes but first, how about a double dip of our old friend "Commando Cody and the Radar Men from the Moon"?
(Dr. Erhardt snickers. Switch back to SOL bridge where Joel and the 'bots are talking gibberish as if insane. Switch back to Deep 13)
Dr. Forrester: Interesting reaction. What do you think, Larry?
Dr. Erhardt: I think I'm almost done. See, I just gotta get the little curved Smurfs hat and...
Dr. Forrester: (grabbing the device) Give me this! (to Joel) Taste the pain, Buddy.
Dr. Erhardt: Enjoy!
(He pushes a button. Switch back to SOL bridge, where movie sign is flashing)
Tom and Crow: Whoa!
Joel: Oh, we got movie sign!
(Joel slaps the button and pops a treat into his mouth)

00:04:52
1st Movie Segment

00:18:12
2nd Commercial Break

00:18:17
2nd Movie Segment

00:31:36
(Joel and the ‘bots exit the theater)

00:31:46 
1st Host Segment

(Joel and Tom are on the bridge of the Satellite of Love. Tom, who is wearing a Commando Cody helmet and rocket pack, is being carried by Joel to and fro, making him "fly")
Tom: Okay Ted, stop here. I'm gonna hover here for a moment and survey the landscape. Okay, now I think I'm gonna fly over to that window and look for those rotten Radar Men from the Moon.
Joel: Are you done yet?
Tom: No, I'm not done yet! Okay, let's do a fly by of that nudist colony. Swing it into high, Teddy. I feel the need. The need for speed!
Joel: Come on, Servo.
Tom: Who?
Joel: I mean Commando Servo. I think Krog wants to talk to us.
Tom: You're a good little helper, Ted. Let's go! Come on!

Check out fly boy

(They fly over by the desk where Crow is waiting, dressed as Krog)
Crow: (normal voice) Hey you guys... uh, I mean *ahem* (woodenly) Earth men, I want you to take an atomic bomb the size of a pineapple, strap it to a Piper Cub and then crash into Mt. Vesuvius. Then on your way back, swing by Al's and pick me up a, uh, swiss cheese on a kaiser roll... (normal voice) Oh, I can't get into this. Joel, I want to be Commander Cody for a while!
Tom: Ted, who is that squeaky little worm in the kaftan down there?
Joel: It's Krog and he wants to wear your costume.
Tom: Does he have any idea who he's dealing with? I could...
Crow: (interrupting) Aah, you're Servo and Joel's holdin' ya up!
Tom: Pay no attention to the man holding me up. Take me down, Ted. I'm on a roll.
(Joel puts Tom down on the desk)
Crow: Oh come on, Servo. Don't be such a baby!
Tom: All right, Krog. The jig is up! Put down that cheese pistol and fight me like a man!
Crow: Oh, jam it in your ventury, Bubble Head! Come on, gimme that costume!
(Crow and Tom begin brawling. Commercial sign flashes)
Joel: Oh, saved by commercial sign!
(Joel pushes the button and pops a treat into his mouth)
Crow: (to Tom) Oh, you're lucky my chick's here!

00:33:00
3rd Commercial Break

00:33:01
3rd Movie Segment

00:39:01
4th Commercial Break

00:39:06
4th Movie Segment

00:49:41
5th Commercial Break

00:49:46 
2nd Host Segment


Note: the beginning part of this host segment is missing from all known fan copies

(Still store shot from the movie of two guys looking at a monitor)
Joel: (off screen) As illustrated in this film... Thank you, Cambot!
(A circular spot in the shot is highlighted to show the guy's necktie)
Joel: (off screen) The tie of the future will be cut short to eliminate the age old morning question: "Is it appropriate to tuck my tie into my pants?"
(Switch to a still store shot from the movie of a guy sitting at a desk. His tie has been highlighted)

Make mine short and wide

Joel: (off screen) In the future, it won't even be an option. In fact, there'll be no room in the future for fashion blunders, when the short guy a go-go tie swings into high. But what other roads will tie take in days of future past?
(Switch back Joel, Tom and Crow on the SOL bridge. They are each wearing a necktie)
Joel: To start things off, Tom Servo who we call "Cheeky" is sporting the Hexfield Body Tie from the year 4,000.
(Cambot pans right and zooms in to show Tom with a tie wrapped around his entire body)

Hexfield Body Tie

Joel: That's right, whether you're inside, outside of upside-down, the Hexfield Body Tie fits and fits! Very nice, Tom. Thank you.
Tom: Don't talk to me. I'm a high fashion model from the future.
Joel: Sorry Tom.
(Cambot pans left and centers on Joel)

Anti-Gravi-Tie

Joel: Um, I'm wearing the Anti-Gravi-Tie. This tie is the brainchild of the Defective Fashion Jackals Direct-to-You Store. It implies to the travel-conscious that you're no stranger to anti-gravity space travel.
(He makes the tie appear to hover off his chest. Then he holds his arms up)
Joel: Pop up sleeves are optional.
(Cambot pans left again and centers on Crow)
Joel: Crow, from the planet Ulio Kyriachin, races on into the year 9,000 with a tie that acknowledges men will always dribble.
(Crow is slurping soup with a spoon)
Crow: (after dribbling) Oops!
(His tie begins to curl up and wipe his face)

Dribble Dabber

Joel: It senses the soup on your lips, reaches up and dabs the soup away.
(Cambot zooms out to show Tom returning to the bridge)
Joel: And now, our own Tom Servo is back... just out of the dressing room I might add, in the nick of time...
(Joel walks around to the front of the desk)
Joel: ...with the ultimate tie designed for our friends from the Church of the Future Machismo Irony. They guarantee this will stay stylish for millennia to come! This tie is from the warp-burning plastic collection, again from those Fashion Drones on Mangia 5.
(Joel begins pulling on the tie, which stretches to be really long)

It keeps growing and growing...

Joel: This tie lengthens to ever-changing ties and trends of fashion.
(Movie sign flashes)
Joel: Oh, we got movie sign! Let's cheese it! Let's go!
(Joel hits the button)

00:51:43
5th Movie Segment

01:03:53
6th Commercial Break

01:03:58
6th Movie Segment

01:08:43
(Joel and the ‘bots leave the theater)

01:08:53 
3rd Host Segment

(Joel is on the SOL bridge. We see his hands playing around with a blue gel-like substance in a bowl on the desk in an infomercial style)
Crow: (off screen) It's new!
Tom: (off screen) It's improved!
(Switch to a still store shot from the movie, with the word "SPACOM" circled)

I thinks it's French

Crow: (off screen) It's Spacom, as seen in the movie "Project Moonbase."
(Switch back to SOL bridge, where Joel is still playing around with the Spacom)
Tom: (off screen) Yes, Spacom, the miracle home product you thought you'd never need.
Crow: (off screen) Part wood, part industrial resin, part pasteurized processed cheese food product.
Tom: (off screen) That valuable china cracked? No problem. Just a dab of Spacom will do the trick.
Crow: (off screen) Try Spacom on an onion roll for a real lunchtime treat.
Tom: (off screen) Takes care of rust on that old jalopy, and ladies will just love how Spacom removes those nagging liver spots and planters warts.
Crow: (off screen) Slice thinly for a fabulous roast substitute.
Tom: (off screen) Kids will just have a ball with Spacom.
Crow: (off screen) Change your mother into a basketball and drive out rodents and other household pests.
Tom: (off screen) Include Spacom in your next oil change to lubricate and remove diaper rash while it whitens your wash and melts those pounds away.
Crow: (off screen) Make Polynesian cheese devils with a little marshmallow creme, a handful of crunchy fire ants, and lots of velvety Spacom.
Tom: (off screen) Eskimos love the way Spacom takes the gum out of diesel generators.

Order now!

Crow: (off screen) Mom loves the way it cleans jewelry.
Tom: (off screen) Dad loves the way it takes the paint off that old table in the attic.
Crow: (off screen) And kids just love it for a snack anytime.
Tom: (off screen) Massage it into your scalp for a refreshing change of mind.
Crow: (off screen) Rub it into your chest and feel the petroleum vapors go to work.
Tom: (off screen) Not an aerosol, not a paste, and not available in any store.
Crow: (off screen) It's Spacom! And it's available at this one-time, low, low, everyday bargain price.
Tom: (off screen) And if you order now, you will receive at no extra charge a year's supply of Spacom!
Crow: (off screen) Cuts through this tomato like it was a tin can.
Tom: (off screen) Snapple caps off of jars, bottles, and the baby!
Joel: (bending down into the shot) And, boy, does it catch fish!

01:10:07
7th Commercial Break

01:10:12
7th Movie Segment

01:24:06
8th Commercial Break

01:24:11
8th Movie Segment

01:34:30
(Joel and the ‘bots leave the theater)

01:34:40 
Final Host Segment

(Joel is on the SOL bridge)
Joel: Well, we finally got through that one. Hey, thanks everybody for your cards and letters. They really help pull us through!
(Crow comes in from the side holding a postcard but he is standing on the ceiling!)
Crow: Yeah, we thought the Lord was gonna call Joel home until we got this card.
Joel: Yeah. Cambot, can we show a picture of this one?
(Switch to a zoomed shot of the postcard, which has dogs in Santa and Mrs. Claus costumes)

Dogs gotta have Christmas too

Joel: Crow, do you wanna read that one, Buddy?
Crow: Yeah, it says, "Please send us info on the MST 3000 Fan Club. We enjoy it very much. Thanks. Happy holidays from the both of us!
(Switch back to full screen shot of the SOL bridge)
Crow: Whoa! Look at these Swedes! Whoa!
Joel: (pointing to the dogs) You know how they say when people get married they start looking alike? These two have been together for a long time.
(Tom comes in from the side holding a postcard but he too is standing on the ceiling!)

No, you're upside down!

Tom: My turn! My turn!
Joel: Okay let 'er go, uh, Mr. Tom Servo there.
Tom: Right you are, Slappy. This one comes from a Jeff Conrad in, uh, Bloomington, Minnesota. "Greetings. I've been a long time fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Goober, friends and I watch it every week on videotape. Hey tell me, will the new shows be in color or all in black & white? Sincerely, Jeff Conrad."
Joel: Well, and we got this last one here from fabulous Hawaii!
(Switch to a zoomed shot of the postcard, which has a waterfall on it)

Tropical paradise

Tom and Crow: Ooh! Ahh!
Joel: And it says, "Dear Sirs, I'd like to join your fan club. Please send me information, membership card, large sums of money..." Very funny! That's from Sam Litzinger from Honolulu.
Crow: Hoo hah!
Joel: Yeah. Tom Servo, why don't you read that information for the people on that?
Tom: Put it up there, Cambot! Give it to me one time on the CG, Helvetica Bold will ya?.
(The following words are superimposed on the screen: "MST 3000 Fan Club - P.O. Box 5325 - Hopkins, MN 55343")
Tom: All right. The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Fan Club, P.O. Box 5325, Hopkins, Minnesota 55343. Send your cards and letters quickly.
Joel: All right. I guess that ends the experiment, Sirs. Uh, when are we gonna get some color movies?
(Switch to Deep 13)
Dr. Forrester: "Color"? You want color, talk to Ted Turner! (handing Dr. Erhardt a clipboard) Here, file this.
Dr. Erhardt: Consider it filed!
(Dr. Erhardt takes the clipboard, briefly waves and says "Bye" and leaves)
Dr. Forrester: Well, hasta luego for now, my Little Spud Bunny.
(Dr. Forrester pushes a button and the transmission ends)

01:36:15
End credits roll.

Note: the end credits are missing from all known fan copies

01:36:18
Episode ends.

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