K09 - Phase IV - Recap

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Episode begins

Season Zero Opening Sequence

Initial Host Segment

(Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester are in the control room of Gizmonic Institute. Dr. Erhardt is on the phone and Dr. Forrester is playing with a Mr. Potato Head and a stethoscope)
Dr. Erhardt: (on phone) Yes sir! (listening) Yes sir! (listening) Yes, bu- But we think we're on the verge of a major-
(he holds the phone away from his ear as if the person on the phone is shouting. At this point, Dr. Forrester removes the stethoscope from his ears and begins listening in on Dr. Erhardt's side of the phone conversation)
Dr. Erhardt: (back on the phone) Yes sir... No sir... Yes sir... Yes, I like my... No, I don't like sweeping...
(Dr. Forrester looks worried at the last statement)
Dr. Erhardt: (on phone) Yeah, minimum wage... No sir... She's a lovely woman...
(Dr. Forrester nods his head in agreement)
Dr. Erhardt: (on phone) Yes. Well, have a nice day sir.
(He hangs up the phone)
Dr. Erhardt: We're kibble, Clay!
Dr. Forrester Old Leadbottom's on to us, is he?
Dr. Erhardt: Yes, he found out we've been syphoning funds from the Project Morpheus.
Dr. Forrester: Project Morpheus... isn't that where we take the head of a human and splice it onto the body of a dog?
Dr. Erhard: No, that was Project Borius. Project Morpheus is where you take Minnesota wild rice and keep it from making you go pftt pftt pftt are you eat it.
(Dr. Forrester wipes his cheek off from Dr. Erhardt's spit)
Dr. Forrester: Ah yes. We spent a lot of money shooting Joel into space. How much do we have left?
Dr. Erhardt: One second...
(He checks his pocket and pulls out some loose change)
Dr. Erhardt: I don't think it's enough to begin him down... which is fine but I think it's enough to call him.
Dr. Forrester: Well, let's get him on the line... and, uh, reverse the charges!
(Dr. Erhardt fiddles with something off camera)
Dr. Forrester: Hello Joely-Boy-Toy Pudding-n-Pie!
(Cut to the bridge of the Satellite of Love. Joel is alone)
Joel: Hello sirs. I'm really excited about the new movie since we're, uh, not gonna be havin' any more Gamera films!
(Cut back to Gizmonic Institute)
Dr. Erhardt: (aggressively) Listen you Space Pansy, we needed money so we sold your Dodge!
(Cut back to SOL bridge)
Joel: Not the slant-6 swinger!
(Cut back to Gizmonic Institute)
Dr. Forrester: Now Boobie, we're only about $40,000 short of bringing you back.
Dr. Erhardt: No problem. (he snickers evilly)
(Cut back to SOL bridge)
Joel: Well, uh, what about the grant money?
(Cut back to Gizmonic Institute)
Dr. Erhardt: We blew the entire wad customizing the Mad Scientist-Mobile. Vroom!
(The Mads snicker)
(Cut back to SOL bridge)
Joel: Hey, I've got $40,000!
(Cut back to Gizmonic Institute. The Mads are shocked)
Dr. Erhardt: You do?!
Dr. Forrester: Where?
(Cut back to SOL bridge)
Joel: In my car!
(Cut back to Gizmonic Institute)
The Mads (groaning) Anhhhhh!!!
Dr. Forrester: Send him the ant movie!
(The Mads laugh maniacally)
(Cut back to SOL bridge where movie sign is flashing)
Joel: You know, this is getting to be a lot like Gilligan's Island. Movie sign!
(Joel hits the button)

Bad news for the Mads

1st Movie Segment

1st Commercial Break

2nd Movie Segment

(Joel, Tom and Crow leave the theater)

1st Host Segment

(Joel, Tom and Crow are on the SOL bridge)
Joel: Okay you guys, we've been on the ship for a while now and I thought it'd be time I familiarized you with the robotic laws. Do you know what those would be, Crow? You got any ideas?
Crow: Uh, well number one: don't stick anything in your ear larger than a pirate. He he!
Tom: You've used that one already!
Crow: All right. I'm sorry.
Joel: Do you know one, uh, Servo?
Tom: Um, sure. Um... Never hollow out a robot and make a fort out of him.
Crow: Oh, good.
Joel: Well, those are both pretty good laws...
Tom: Thank you.
Joel: ...that I think robots should know but they're not the true robotic laws that Isaac Asimov invented.
Tom: Isaac Asimov?
Crow: "Asthmov"... sounds like a Russian lung disease! He he!
(Tom imitates a high-pitched trumpet playing Waah, waah, waaaaah!)
Joel: Well, he wasn't a Russian lung disease; he's a great writer... well, he's not a great writer but a very prolific writer.
Crow: Prolific? I thought he was Russian!
(Tom imitates a high-pitched trumpet playing the beginning of the Three Stooges theme song)
Joel: No, anyway he came up with laws governing robotic action... do you know what they are?
Tom: Come on, Joel. We're robots! We're just joshing you. Of course we know what the robotic laws are. They're burned into our RAM chips.
Crow: And you know there's nothing better than burnt RAM chips and Canadian bacon. Mm mmm!
(Joel points to Tom, who imitates a high-pitched trumpet playing the beginning of "Dixie")
Joel: Okay you Smarties, if you're so smart... gimme the first robotic law.
Tom: No problem.
Tom and Crow: (in unison, woodenly) A robot cannot harm a human being.
Joel: Okay. And the second robotic law?
Tom and Crow: (in unison, woodenly) A robot cannot through inaction cause a human being to come to harm.
Joel: And the third?
Tom and Crow: (in unison, woodenly) Give a hoot. Don't pollute.
(Crow snickers)
Joel: Listen, uh, we'll right back after this commercial.
Tom: Did you like the Cansfield thing? Did you like it?

Play it, Tom Servo!

2nd Commercial Break

3rd Movie Segment

3rd Commercial Break

4th Movie Segment

4th Commercial Break

2nd Host Segment

(Tom and Crow are on the SOL bridge)
Tom: So Crow if we ever get off this ship, what's the first thing you're gonna do when we get to Earth?
Crow: Uh, well the first thing I'm gonna do is kill Sandy Frank. You know, that guy that keeps importing all thos Gamera films?
Tom: Well, I think that's a given. I mean after that.
Crow: Uh, empty my load pan. How 'bout you?
Tom: I'm gonna get me a swingin' bachelor pad and invite over a healthy dollop of babes...
(Both Tom and Crow are overcome with Tom's fantasy. Joel comes up behind them)
Tom: rub me and fan me and massage me with mango juice and oils and party 'til 1999. Oh my god... (normal voice) Joel, hi. Oh, sorry.
Joel: What are you guys doin'?
Tom: Well... we've been wondering, uh, what's the first thing you're gonna do when you get back to Earth?
Joel: (thoughtfully) Uh, what the very first thing I'm gonna do when I get back to Earth?
Crow: No, after that!
Joel: Oh, well um... I'll probably shut off the water in my apartment.
Tom: Huh?
Joel: Yeah, I left it running.
Crow: Uh oh.
Tom: So much for your healthy damage deposit.
Joel: Yeah, it's pretty much shot. Shouldn't we, uh, be going to movie sign... after that last joke?
Crow: Uh.
Tom: Yes, usually. Uh, hm...
Crow: Something's wrong here.
Tom: Perhaps the scientists are a little off. You know they're a little short on cash. Maybe they're selling a child or something.
Joel: They could be going door to door selling candy bars like the band always did in high school.
Tom: Perhaps. I was wondering about that "harming a human" thing, Joel.
Joel: Uh huh.
Tom: Does it hurt a human to put his hand in warm water while he's sleeping?
Joel: Uh... no.
Tom: Make a note, Crow.
Crow: Note taken. He he he!
Joel: Uh anyway, Cambot, why don't you put up the number on the screen and uh, there it is right now.
(The following message is superimposed, "623-7655 Talk to Joel!")
Tom: 623-7655. This is Tom Servo, announcing.
Joel: Yeah. Please call in. We really appreciate your calls and, uh, it's been real helpful.
(Movie sign flashes)
Joel: Oh we got movie sign. Here it is. Let's go!
(Joel hits the button)

Tom and Crow fantasize about Earth

5th Movie Segment

5th Commercial Break

6th Movie Segment

6th Commercial Break

3rd Host Segment

(Joel, Tom and Crow are on the SOL bridge)
Joel: Okay, you ready?
Crow: Yep, your turn.
Joel: I spy with my little eye something that starts with the letter... "C".
Crow: Cambot! Uh! Too easy!
(Cambot nods his head)
Crow: My turn.
Joel: Well, it was right there, I thought I might trick ya.
Crow: I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter... "B".
(Joel looks at Tom but no help there)
Joel: Um... a bowling ball?
Crow: No. Not even warm.
Joel: A brace?
Tom: Barry Gibb!
Crow: On a space ship?! Come on, gimme a break!
Joel: Um, a bulkhead?
Crow: No. Good try. Cold.
Joel: (to Tom) Uh, you got any?
Tom: Bora Bora?
Joel: No. Uh, we give up.
Crow: Uh, barnacles on the, uh, on the hull of the ship: barnacles from space. You know.
Joel: (looking at Tom) What?
Crow: Oh, I'm sorry. I had my infrared eyes on... (he laughs)
Tom: Why I oughta!
Crow: ...No fair.
Joel: You think that's funny?
Crow: I blame myself.
Tom: Joel, let's do the song!
Joel: What song?
Tom: Wipeout. Do it...
Joel: Do "Wipeout"? No.
Tom: ...Do it.
Joel: No, um...
Tom: The babes will go wild!
Joel: ...I'll do it.
(Joel laughs but then begins tapping out the drum solo from "Wipeout while Tom imitates the guitar solo)
Tom: (partway through the song) Solo, Joel!
(Cambot focuses tightly on Joel's hands. Crow peeks into the shot at Joel's hands. Slowly Cambot pulls back)
(Movie sign flashes)
Tom: Movie sign, oh!
(Joel hits the button)

Joel's version of "Wipeout"

7th Movie Segment

7th Commercial Break

8th Movie Segment

(Joel, Tom and Crow leave the theater)

Final Host Segment

(Joel, Crow and Gypsy are on the SOL bridge)
Joel: Okay, that's it for another episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. And, um, we want... Cambot could you put the number on the screen?
(The following message is superimposed, "623-7655 Talk to Joel!")
Joel: We're thinking of creating some demand for a fan club and we want you to call in and see what you think of it.
Gypsy: Pick up the phone. Give us a call: 623-7655. Today!
Joel: Yeah, so call us at that number.
Gypsy: That number right there. Right. Today!
Joel: And, uh, we were talkin' a little bit earlier about that Isaac Asimov's three robotic laws and, uh, I put together a little design circuitry in the robot. A little thing I like to call the fourth robotic law. And now Gypsum and Crow would like to recite it for you. Good night everybody.
(Joel turns and leaves the scene)
Gypsy: (clears throat) The fourth robotic law by Joel "Asimov" Hodgson.
Crow: As read by Crow and Gypsy.
Crow and Gypsy: (both clear throats) Don't be surprised if somewhere, some time when you least expect it, someone walks up to you and says, Don't be surprised if somewhere, some time when you least expect it, someone walks up to you and says, Don't be surprised if somewhere, some time when you least expect it, someone walks up to you and says...
(The transmission ends)

"Don't be surprised..."

End credits roll.

Mystery Science
Theater 3000

Created by
Joel Hodgson

Jim Mallon

Joel Hodgson
Trace Beaulieu
Josh Weinstein
Jim Mallon
Kevin Murphy

Joel Hodgson

Puppet Operation and Voices
Josh Weinstein
Trace Beaulieu
Kevin Murphy

Associate Producers
Kevin Murphy
Vince Rodriguez

MST 3000 Theme Music
Charlie Erickson
Joel Hodgson

Joel Hodgson
Josh Weinstein

Sung By
Joel and The Joels

Recorded At
Sing Sing Studios

Faye Burkholder

Vince Rodriguez

Todd Ziegler

Kevin Murphy

Art Director
Joel Hodgson

Kevin Murphy

Production Assistant
Alex Carr

Color Consultant
Lisa Erickson

Hair Designs
Mr. Crow
of Beverly Hills

This program was produced
through the facilities of

Mystery Science Theater
3000 is a co-production of
Hair Brain Productions.

© 1988 KTMA &
Hair Brain Productions

Episode ends.