K16 - City on Fire - Recap

00:00:00
Episode begins

00:00:01
Season Zero Opening Sequence

00:01:20 Initial Host Segment
(Dr. Forrester is in a control room of Gizmonic Institute, reading a form letter. He looks very concerned)
Dr. Erhardt: (off screen, frantic) Clay!!!
(Dr. Erhardt comes running in from the right, holding a similar form letter)
Dr. Erhardt: Clay, did you see this? We got a letter from the Mad Scientist League!
Dr. Forrester: I read it.

Read it and weep!
Dr. Erhardt: They say they're gonna revoke our licenses: we're not really "mad enough".
Dr. Forrester: I read it. I know. Look, it says here at best we're "mildly peeved researchers".
Dr. Erhardt: (irked) "Researchers"? That hurts! I haven't been in research since I was at the U. doing kitchen cabinet analysis for Kim Keller's house.
Dr. Forrester: What about those two years at the Pentagon?
Dr. Erhardt: It was two weeks, really. I got paid for two years. It's a good gig!
Dr. Forrester: Oh. "Mildly peeved researchers"... you know what this means, don't you?
Dr. Erhardt: We'll have to change our name tags?
Dr. Forrester: Well, well no. Uh, well it means, uh, no more fat research grant. No more large, funded laboratory. And... no more Joely and the robots!
Dr. Erhardt: Well, that's not necessarily such a bad thing.
Dr. Forrester: Well, maybe. But consider this: we'll have to go back to work in the private sector.
Dr. Erhardt: No, not back to fruit inspection! (he begins sobbing)
Dr. Forrester: I'm afraid so. You know, we can't make it by on cuteness alone. We're not "mild-mannered matinee hosts"... we're mad scientists, dammit!
Dr. Erhardt: Well it's not our fault, though. Look at the movies! You know: Superdome, SST- Death Flight... what's this week: City on Fire! Oh, it's not our fault. Where's the science?
Dr. Forrester: Whoa, whoa, whoa! The science comes in in taking a group of grade-b actors... uh, sticking them in a over-produced, uh, horribly-written made-for-tv disaster film... which happens to be a vehicle for Barry Newman... and packaging the thing and sending it out to the common man and making millions of dollars off of it. It's kind of like, uh, giving cancer to lab rats.
Dr. Erhardt: (confused) I don't really follow.
Dr. Forrester: Well, here. Let's go watch the, uh, the movie, City on Fire and I think you'll get my point.
Dr. Erhardt: All right.

00:03:07
1st Movie Segment

00:19:20
1st Commercial Break

00:19:24
2nd Movie Segment

00:30:34
(Joel, Tom and Crow leave the theater)

00:30:41 1st Host Segment
(Tom and Crow are on the SOL bridge. They are in possession of a telescope)
Tom: This is perfect! I love it! This is great!
Crow: Cheese it, here he comes.
(Joel enters carrying a group of papers)
Joel: Hey, I just got this month's actuals, you guys, off the computer. And we're way over on WD-40. Somebody's been abusing their privileges. I think we're gonna have to cut back.
Crow: Hey, let me look now, Servo. It's my turn. Let me look.
Tom: No way. Wow, she's fabulous!
Joel: What are you lookin' at, Servo?
Tom: Fabulous Russian cosmonaut babes over on Soyuz 7 and they haven't drawn their shades!
Joel: Wait a minute. Let me look at that.
Tom: Take a look.
(Joel looks through the telescope. Tom and Crow begin snickering)
Joel: I don't... wait a minute. I don't see anything. I don't see anything.
(Joel pulls away from the telescope eyepiece and we can see that he now has a black ring around his eye. Tom and Crow laugh loudly and continue laughing throughout the sketch)
Joel: You guys left the lens cap on! (he takes the lens cap off) It's off. Are you guys nuts? How do you expect to see anything?
Crow: Uh, really. Uh, I thought for sure I saw something. Uh, it must be our, uh...
Tom: ...Our optical senses...
Crow: Yeah.
Tom: Somehow they must be... really good... Say Joel did anyone ever tell you you look like Petey from Our Gang?
Joel: No. I don't know what you're talking about.
Crow: Hey Joel, time for our trivia quiz.
Joel: Okay...
Crow: In the mid-60s, what was the slogan of Tareyton cigarettes?
Joel: Uh, "I'd rather fight than switch"?
(Tom and Crow laugh louder again)
Joel: (sonfused) You guys, that wasn't funny at all.
Crow: Well, it was funny from where eye'm standing.
Tom: Hey Crow, what's for dinner: black-eyed peas?
(Tom and Crow laugh louder again)
Joel: We better beat it. We got commercial sign. (confused) Is that funny?
(Cambot zooms in a little bit on Joel)

That gag has a certain "ring" of familiarity about it

00:32:03
2nd Commercial Break

00:32:06
3rd Movie Segment

00:39:27
3rd Commercial Break

00:39:32
4th Movie Segment

00:47:21
4th Commercial Break

00:47:23  2nd Host Segment

Note: the beginning of this host segment is missing from all known fan copies

(Joel, Tom and Crow are on the SOL bridge. Joel has a small purse slung around his neck)
Joel: ...discouraging purse snatchers, uh... I'll show you how it works. Uh, let's pretend I'm a woman. Okay?
(Tom laughs derisively)
Crow: Hey Joeline, what a lovely wrap you have on!
Joel: (kind of prissy-like) Why, thanks!
Tom: Oh, Crow... you've got no finesse! Watch and learn from the master. (smoothly) Hey babe. You, me: mango-fest... how 'bout it?
Joel: (female voice) Uh... I don't think so. I need a real... (breaking character) Wait a minute, this is all wrong. I'm getting off track here. Now, let me explain this to you. On Earth, women carry their valuables in a handbag like this, okay? Now if we were on there, you could use this but sometimes criminals try to steal that purse. Okay?
Crow: Well, what if women carry a wallet?
Joel: Well if they carry a wallet, uh, it's smaller and it's, uh, harder to get at. But I'm mostly concentrating on this handbag.
Crow: How 'bout a knapsack?
Joel: Uh, okay Crow. That's enough.
Crow: Uh, what about one of those funny little coin things that you squeeze the sides and they always seem to rip and then...
Joel: Now listen, listen...
Tom: Drop it, Crow!
Joel: Yeah. Listen Crow, I want you to you guys to reach way back in your memories and come up with that thug algorythm that I programmed you with.
Tom: Oh, okay... um. hmm, hmm, hmmm... okay, I got it.
Joel: Okay.
Tom: (gruff New York thug accent) Hey Vinnie. Yo bro!
Joel: (gruff New York thug accent) Hey listen my friend, uh, I'm gonna do ya a favor. I'm gonna rip off your butt, wrap it around your neck and make you an extra pair of shoulders!
Tom: (thug accent) (charging Crow) Yeah, says who?
Crow: (thug accent) Says me. (garbled)
Tom: (thug accent) You and what army?
Joel: (separating them) Okay, listen. I think you guys got it. I'll play the part of a pedestrian and you guys try to snatch a purse.
Crow: (normal voice) Are you sure you don't want a knapsack?
Joel: Yeah, I'm sure.
Tom: (thug voice) Alright, Vinnie Three-Toes I distract the skirt. You grab the booty, okay?
(Crow moves around behind Joel)
Tom: (thug voice) Yo babe! You, me: mango juice... capiche?
Joel: (female voice) I don't know what you're talking about.
Tom: (thug voice) Go for it now, Crow! Grab the purse! The purse!
(Crow reaches for the handbag and Joel opens it. Flames come up out of the purse!)
Crow: (in pain) Aah!
(Crow runs off while Joel and Tom chuckle)

Joel gives Crow a hot facial treatment!
Joel: Ah yeah. Just a thing called "hell-in-a-handbag", right... you get it?
(Crow returns trepidly)
Tom: (still chuckling) Sorry Crow, but the look on your face when it lit up! Ah! Oh, it kills me!
Crow: (whiny) It almost killed me too! Joel, why'd ya do that?
Joel: Well, it's just my way of getting back at you two Front-end-loader-heads for getting that junk all over my eye earlier.
Crow: Sorry.
(Movie sign flashes)
Joel: We got movie sign!
(Joel hits the button)

00:49:44
5th Movie Segment

00:57:36
5th Commercial Break

00:57:40
6th Movie Segment

01:10:02
6th Commercial Break

01:10:05  3rd Host Segment
(Tom and Crow are on the SOL bridge. Joel bursts in from the side wearing a ballcap and sunglasses and barking out orders like a drill sergeant)
Joel: All right you soldiers, pick it up! Double time, now!
(Tom and Crow begin marching in place)
Joel: (in cadence) Lift your head up to the sky!
Tom and Crow: (echoing) Lift your head up to the sky.
Joel: Satellite of Love is passing by!
Tom and Crow: Satellite of Love is passing by.

a-tten-tion!
Joel: I don't know but I've been told,
Tom and Crow: I don't know but I've been told,
Joel: Robot contact's made of gold!
Tom and Crow: Robot contact's made of gold.
(Joel turns around to face the tunnel door. Tom and Crow turn around to follow him)
Joel: We follow Joel wherever he leads!
Tom and Crow: We follow Joel wherever he leads.
Joel: The scientists are a couple of dickweeds!
Tom and Crow: The scientists are a couple of dickweeds.
(All three of them turn around to face Cambot again)
Joel: Sound off!
Tom and Crow: One, two.
Joel: Sound again!
Tom and Crow: Three, four.
Joel: Cadence call!
Tom and Crow: One, Two, Three, Four... One, Two... Three, Four!
(Movie sign flashes)
Joel: I don't wanna complain! I don't wanna whine!
Tom and Crow: I don't wanna complain. I don't wanna whine.
Joel: Don't look now, it's movie sign!
Joel, Tom and Crow: Oh!!!
(Joel begins quick marching into the tunnel as it opens, followed by Tom and Crow)

01:10:53
7th Movie Segment

01:29:09
7th Commercial Break

01:29:14
8th Movie Segment

01:38:56
(Joel, Tom and Crow leave the theater)

01:39:02 Final Host Segment

(Joel, Crow and Gypsy are on the SOL bridge)
Joel: Hey, hi you guys. Gypsy, where've ya been?
Gypsy: Bouncing and designing newsletters...
Joel: Oh okay, well let's sh-
Gypsy: ...all day.
Joel: All day long? Well, let's show 'em what they get.
(Joel holds up a copy of the newsletter)
Joel: Please write in if you like and become a MST 3000... uh,
Gypsy "Member".
Joel: ...member. Yeah, you get the MST 3000 fan club certificate: suitable for framing,
(Joel holds up a fan club certificate)

You get all of this and more!
Gypsy: How come I'm not in there?
Joel: 'Cause you drew it! And then you got (sic) the MST 3000 Satellite News, and your Mystery Science Theater fan club card.
(Joel holds up a fan club card)
Gypsy: Ooh!
Joel: So write in and we'll see ya next time on Mystery Science Theater.
Gypsy: color=red]That's it[/color]. Bye!
(The transmission ends)

01:39:35
End credits roll.

Mystery Science
Theater 3000

Created by
Joel Hodgson

Produced By
Jim Mallon

Written By
Joel Hodgson
Trace Beaulieu
Josh Weinstein
Jim Mallon
Kevin Murphy

Additional Writing
Brian Funk

Fan Club Coordinator
Alexandra Carr

Starring
Joel Hodgson

Puppet Operation and Voices
Josh Weinstein
Trace Beaulieu
Kevin Murphy

Mad Scientists
Josh Weinstein
Trace Beaulieu

Make-up
Clayton James

Associate Producers
Kevin Murphy
Vince Rodriguez

MST 3000 Theme Music
Charlie Erickson
Joel Hodgson

Lyrics
Joel Hodgson
Josh Weinstein

Sung By
Joel and The Joels

Recorded At
Sing Sing Studios

Directed By
Todd Ziegler

Audio
Alexandra Carr

Camera
Kevin Murphy

Art Director
Joel Hodgson

Lighting
Kevin Murphy

Production Assistant
Alexandra Carr

Color Consultant
Lisa Erickson

Hair Designs
Mr. Crow
of Beverly Hills

This program was produced
through the facilities of
KTMA-TV.

Mystery Science Theater
3000 is a co-production of
KTMA-TV and
Hair Brain Productions.

© 1989 KTMA &
Hair Brain Productions

01:40:24
Episode ends.

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