John: I’ve watched the world change. Best invention—indoor plumbing. Worst invention--the alarm clock.

John: Hi, my name is John and I’m an alcoholic.
A.A. Group: Hi, John.
John: I haven’t had a drink in 15,495 days.
A.A. Man: Hey, guy, do you think that’s funny. I can do the math. You’d have to have been sober since 1965.
John: I look young for my age.

Eddie Riley: Don’t do this, man, I don’t want to have to shoot you.
John: Then don’t: it hurts like hell.

John: Trust me, all of it gets old… except me.

John: How long have we known each other?
Omar: Long enough to know better.

John: I almost died.
Omar: Hey, let the good times roll.

Omar: Now, I thought when you met the right one, you were supposed to become mortal.
John: Only after our souls are united.
Omar: What the hell does that mean? After you kissed her, after you’ve slept with her, after you’ve done Lamaze class…
John: They didn’t give me an instruction manual, okay?

Eva: Look, we need to set some ground rules here.
John: You sound just like my last 609 girlfriends.

John: You learn that from one of your 609 girlfriends?
Eva: One of my wives.
John: Plural. How many have you had?
Eva: Only one at a time.

John: Ever ask yourself why a vampire has no reflection in a mirror?
Omar: Not this week.
John: Because it’d be too painful. To see himself year after year, century after century, unchanged while everything around him grows old. To search for love but know it’s always just out of your reach. Because to be human is to die. To die is what makes life worth living. It’s God’s joke.

John: I can read lips.
Eva: And you’re also deaf, I suppose.
John: It was temporary. Normandy. A shell exploded too close for comfort.
Eva: Sorry I asked.

Eddie Riley: You’re the dude who chased me. I thought you were dead.
John: I was. Now I’m not.

Eva: Thought you were going to wait for me.
John: Yeah. I lied.