Shawn: Uh, excuse me. You're in my seat.
Juliet: Am I?
Shawn: Actually, yes, you are.
Juliet: You one of those weirdo compulsives who come to the same restaurant, sit in the same chair, and eat the same food every day?
Shawn: Uh, no, no, no, I was sitting right there three minutes ago, and then I went outside to get myself a paper. I ordered a juice, and look, I made a crawling snake with the straw wrapper. You can finish it if you think you're up to the job.
(Shawn had been impersonating Juliet having a conversation with him)
Juliet: OK, can I stop you there? First off, in your portrayal of me, I sound like I'm in eighth grade.
Shawn: Well, in my portrayal of you, you only have an eighth-grade education.
Shawn: What are you watching?
Shawn: Dude, is that Korean porn?
(about the spelling bee)
Gus: Don't mock me. It's a huge event.
Shawn: No, I'm just, I'm shocked that you didn't take the whole day off.
Gus: It's on Sports Cal2, for your information. And it's hosted by Bud Collins.
Shawn: Really, did they bump the car washing championships for this? And is it over soon, because I'd like to get back to the wood carving finals.
Gus: I tried to get tickets, but you've got to know somebody.
Shawn: Somebody lame.
Gus: I don't care what you think, Shawn. I watch the bee semis every year.
Shawn: OK, for your sake and mine, stop giving the spelling bee hip little nicknames.
Gus: This thing has been sold out for weeks.
Shawn: I can see why. It moves so fast. It's like hockey with words.
Shawn: Oh, come on, dude. You're not bored at all?
Gus: Do you know how to spell any of these words?
Shawn: Proudly, I have never heard of any of these words. I file these words under "things to say when I want to be ridiculed or kicked out of bed."
Gus: See, the problem is, is that butyraceous is clearly a round one word.
Shawn: Oh, God. Stop talking. I'd like to pretend we still have things in common, Gus.
Gus: Wow, so this is what it looks like.
Gus: The comfort room. This is where you go to deal with missing a word.
Shawn: Oh, yeah? Where do they take you to deal with missing your entire childhood?
Gus: Shawn, this misplaced malevolence you have with the spelling bee is getting monotonous. Stop hating on the bee. (to Ms. Foote) I'm sorry, ma'am. I do apologize for his inappropriate virulence.
Shawn: Why are you using all these big-ass words all of a sudden?
Gus: I'm not doing that. (scoffs) That's preposterous.
(Shawn and Gus are preparing to interview the contestants about the incident)
Ms. Foote: I'll begin with the eliminated contestants.
Shawn: Um, actually, we'd only like to speak with the ones that were still in the competition when the accident occurred, Ms...Foote. And, uh, let's start with the shifty-eyed ones, shall we?
Gus: The winner of this competition can just about choose his university.
Miklos: (to Shawn) Your friend is right.
Gus: And it teaches grace under pressure. Poise. Dignity.
Shawn: All things you can get at a hot-dog eating competition. Plus...hot dogs.
Shawn: (to speller) Still studying, huh?
Speller's mother: Oh, she loves it. Won't put that thing down.
Shawn: Well, kudos on the child-rearing. Let me know how the therapy goes.
(Spellmaster Cavanaugh falls over the balcony)
Shawn: OK...not to belittle this guy's life, but this just got more interesting than the wood carving finals.
Lassiter: Come on, you can introduce me to the press.
Juliet: OK, just be sensitive.
Lassiter: How about we don't sell the seat the guy landed on?
Gus: You smell that?
Shawn: Dude, don't look at me
Gus: It's sulfuric.
Shawn: Gus, I am not the one who had the egg salad.
Shawn: I can't smell anything.
Gus: Well, you don't have the "super-smeller."
Shawn: Gus! You have got to stop calling your nose the "super-smeller." You wanna nickname a body part? Nickname your butt, man. Call it the "tight bouncer" or "the hexagon"! Ladies are gonna dig that. I'm telling you.
Henry: Grab a saw.
Shawn: What, now?
Henry: (carrying a large covered object out of the garage) Well, you said you'd do anything, right?
Shawn: You know, most people will wait five, six whole minutes before they cash in a favor. (looks down at the object) I will not saw through bone for you.
(Shawn is working on the doghouse, frustrated)
Shawn: What the hell are you doing?
Henry: I'm gonna help you.
Shawn: You've never helped me before ever.
Henry: You've never asked.
Shawn: Gimme a word
Gus: A word?
Shawn: Yeah, something hard but something you can spell.
Gus: I can spell anything.
Shawn: Except aggiornamento.
Shawn: (pretending to be the new spellmaster) Banana.
Speller 118: Can you repeat that?
Shawn: Yes. (enunciates) Banana.
Gus: "Banana," Shawn? This is the third round.
Shawn: You could have helped me.
Speller 118: Definition, please?
Shawn: A yellow fruit. Also, a kind of pudding...a delicious pudding.
Speller 118: Sentence, please?
Shawn: Anna Banana would like to hear "Venus" by Bananarama. Banana.
Shawn: (giving another spelling word) Onion.
Speller 46: "Onion"?
Spellmaster: "Onion"? Even Dan Quayle could spell that.
Speller 46: (quickly) O-N-I-O-N, onion.
Gus: You're using his grocery list!
Shawn: You refused to help me. Now, I gotta give them something else. (over the loudspeaker) Mitchum.
Shawn: Yes, when I go to Albertson's, I need to buy some Mitchum Ice Blast...and, bananas.
Shawn: (after having a psychic moment) I know who killed Alvin Cavanaugh.
Karen: Can't he ever just tell us to arrest someone?
Juliet: He does this a lot?
Shawn: I'm sorry. I'm kind of a slave to my visions. I'm a slave.
Lassiter: (to Karen) Do you want me to cuff him?
Karen: Why? Why would I want that?
Lassiter: Just a suggestion.
(Shawn explains all the negatives that come with winning the spelling bee)
Shawn: This way you got to be a smart kid and a cool kid. Best of both worlds.
Gus: That's true. I appreciate that, Shawn.
Shawn: Yeah, it's a nice balance. That's why I had to give you the wrong letter.
Gus: You knew that was wrong?
Shawn: Oh, come on, Gus. Aggiornamento? Everybody knew it was an "I."