Narrator: Young Ned felt a gnawing pity growing in his stomach. As was tradition.
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Narrator: Eugene Mulchandani fled in a flurry of saliva and fear.
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Charlotte: Guess what day it is today.
Ned: World Hello Day.
Charlotte: Oh, you finally put up my calendar of obscure holidays.
Ned: Yes, and Hola!
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Charlotte: What’s wrong?
Ned: Nothing.
Narrator: The meaning of “nothing” was “I never told you that I inadvertently killed your father.”
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Emerson: Well, that idea might make a stupid idea feel better about itself.
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Ned I can’t keep lying to her.
Emerson: You ain’t lying. The only way you’re lying is if she asks the question, (Chuck voice) “Hey, did you kill my father when you brought your mother back, which I didn’t know about because you never told me?" (regular voice) Don’t tell her.
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Emerson: Oh no, see, this is how it all ends. Some weird guy comes in saying stuff that don’t make no sense. And by the time your head realizes “Hey, this weird guy makes no sense,” your guts are all over the window.
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Narrator: Olive found herself in a cloud of steamed milk and self-pity, unaware of the warm breath blowing out of the mouth of Alfredo Aldariso.
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Olive: Can I ask you a question? If you loved me...
Alfredo Aldarisio: Yes?
Olive: And we could never, ever, ever touch. Wouldn't you eventually get over it and move on letting someone else have the slightest hope that you might move on to them?
Alfredo Aldarisio: If I loved you?
Olive: Yeah.
Alfredo Aldarisio: Then I would love you in any way I could. And if we could not touch then I would draw strength from your beauty. And if I went blind then I would fill my soul with the sound of your voice and the contents of your thoughts until the last spark of my love for you lit the shabby darkness of my dying mind.
Olive: Eh, forget it.
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Emerson: The truth ain’t like puppies, a bunch of them running around, you pick your favorite. One truth… and it has come a’knockin’.
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Olive: It’s from the Pie Hole from across the street, as in “Shut your.” But one sweet whiff and people usually want to “Open their.”
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Ned: Candy might be sweet, but it's a traveling carnival blowing through town. Pie is home. People always come home.
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Olive: I can be a very good resource for you on Ned, if you don’t mind me clawing out your eyeballs while we talk.
Charlotte: Really?
Olive: Why do you want me to care?
Charlotte: Because you really like him.
Olive: Wouldn't it just rock and roll if liking someone meant they had to like you back? Of course that'd be a different universe and something else would probably suck.
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Ned: No. You let your anger win and you engage the crazy person, then you're no different than they are. People say "Hey! Look at those two crazy people fighting." I will not engage.
Emerson: Yeah. But if you don't engage, pretty soon people will start saying "Hey, look at that crazy person eating that guy just sitting there doing nothing."
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(breaking into a store)
Olive: There's no alarm system. Got a credit card?
Charlotte: Why? You know how to pick locks?
Olive: No. You're going to need to pay for the damages.
(Olive runs through the glass door)
Charlotte: Cool.
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Ned: What’s freaking me out is the ruthless woman trying to shut down the Pie Hole.
Narrator: This was true.
Ned: It has nothing to do with us.
Narrator: This was not.
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Narrator: The expression “Like a rat in a candy store,” though slightly less popular, is equally true.
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Emerson: I mean, it's a broad generalization, but my guess is that an attractive man who makes pies for a living shouldn't even spend a short amount of time in prison.
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Emerson: So whoever killed Billy is walking around with nine fingers thinking they got away with murder.
Charlotte: Mm-hmmm. Footloose and finger-free.
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Narrator: The Pie Maker considered how not telling Chuck the truth about her father was a lot like being locked in a prison. Then he considered how being locked in a prison was actually much worse than some silly metaphor about Truth.
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Narrator: Seventeen miles away, the search to finger the fingerless killer of Billy Balsam continued.
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Dilly Balsam: And take your trunk monkey with you!
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