Ned: I love magic. As much as I love other forms of popular entertainment, like Boxarate tae-kill-do cage fighting or monster trucks on ice.

Emerson: A magic show? Where did I put that rat's ass I could give? Magic ain't nothing but a voodoo grift.

Chuck: What do you got against a magic show? There's sequins and drama and the promise of bloodshed...
Olive: Next to pageants, they're my favorite thing.
Ned: They give me acid reflux.
Olive: Oh, here, have a lozenge.
Ned: A magic lozenge that'll make me forget they're putting on a magic show, which is the same kind of show my dad put on, so what they're pulling out of their magic hats isn't a rabbit, it's my childhood trauma. They're wearing it like a cape and taking it to the stage.

Emerson: Here I was just about to tell you all to shut the hell up, and the you stopped talking so I didn’t have to.

The Great Hermann: Hello! Excuse me, excuse me. I feel I should hug you. Can I give you a big hug? I’m already hugging you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Olive: I want a hug!
The Great Hermann: I’m not made of hugs.

The Great Herrmann: I live to amaze another day!
Narrator: But not another day after that.

Olive: You turned your assistant into a bunny?
The Great Herrmann: My assistant has always been a bunny.
Olive: Oh, I… I just wanted to see if he knew that.

Emerson: While we can appreciate and sympathize with your predicament, Mr. Herrmann…
The Great Herrmann: Please, call me Great.
Emerson: No.

The Great Herrmann: What do you tell a couple of kids you've never met that their dad, who you've never met, has just dropped them like they were hot? You can't sugarcoat that turd.

Narrator: Lily lived in fear that one day Vivian would discover her betrayal and settle her hash. And today that hash-settling day has come one day closer.

Vivian: Oh, I don’t think we were ever mackerels.
Dwight Dixon: Oh, you were always a mackerel. See, whenever I saw that picture, I would say…
Lily: “Holy mackerel.” Yeah, I heard that one coming from around the corner. It was wearing tap shoes.

Lily: Do you have a point to this visit? Or did you just stop by for snorts and giggles?
Dwight Dixon: Snorts and giggles are the raisins in my oatmeal.

Narrator: While Lily was giving Dwight the stink-eye with the only eye she had, her sister Vivian had set her eyes on something much sweeter.

Olive: Isn't it funny how easy it is to remain calm when everyone else is freaking out?

Ned: It’s all very confusing. There’s murdered magic dads and the promise of taste pate with tuna sauce.
Emerson: What do you think you were saying in your head? Cause that ain’t what came out of your mouth.

Emerson: Honey, you been spurned, and next to the spurned lover, the spurned employee rides shotgun. On the homicide chuck wagon.

Vivian: Charles has been dead for 20 years.
Dwight: I’ve been in prison for 22.
Vivian: Emotional or Federal?
Dwight: I’m going to say yes to both.
Vivian: I can only say yes to one.

Emerson: The boo-hoo bosom done dried up.
Chuck: Well, my boo-hoo bosom is plump and brimming with milk.
Emerson: Yech.

Ned: Have you been crank-calling Lily again.
Chuck: Umm, not recently. Although that does depend on how you define “recently.”

The Geek: I would have eaten anything for that man!