Olive: Does your Aunt Vivian's nice smelling new boy-toy have something to do with you faking your death?

Olive: Counterintelligence via pie delivery. Like gossiping with a purpose. My specialty.

Vivian: Lily is naturally suspicious of new liaisons, but I felt compelled to come clean about our relationship. Sneaking around is for politicians in bathroom stalls.
Dwight Dixon: Not for a brisk and bucolic autumn cum winter afternoon on the park.

Lily: I don't trust him further than I can spit. And I can spit. Look at the way he drapes himself all over her. Ugh. Makes me want to stick a fork in my eye. I need a drink.
Olive: You're holding one.
Lily: I need a stronger one. And a fork.

Daniel Hill: Gustav, was a... he was more than a client. He was a cantankerous bombast with a violent temper and a lust for power and wealth. in lawyer speak, I was in love with him.

Daniel Hill: Gustav was robbed the night he died. I mean, it happens when you have a fortune like his.
Emerson: What kind of fortune we talkin' about?
Daniel Hill: The kind built upon your tight balls.

Emerson: He doesn't look like the richest man in town.
Chuck: They say he had the Midas touch. Did you ever stop to think you're a little bit like King Midas, except substitute "life" for gold." and obviously you don't have donkey ears.
Ned: Midas was a miser like Scrooge, but hungrier. I'm a philanthropist.
Emerson: Just touch the sucker.

Gustav: Do you know who I am, Elmer?
Emerson: You're about to be the first man ever to be murdered twice.

Chuck: Well, this is a very, um, nice… castle that you have, Mrs. Hoffer.
Elise: Thanks. It's a wreck right now, getting it all set up for the wake. You should totally come. Everybody who's anybody is gonna be here celebrating Gustav's death.
Chuck: You mean "life."
Elise: Sure, whatever.

Ned: What is a key party anyway?
Chuck: Ooohh. I love that you don't know that. It's a kind of a raffle.
Emerson: Of the porno variety.
Ned: Oh. Ooohh.

Emerson: There's a comfort in knowing that telemarketers are just as horrible in real life.

Narrator: In his search for a brass pocket watch Dwight Dixon found a heart of gold.

Chuck: The world would be a better place if everybody dabbed calamine on welts of bad news.

Lily: You must be out of your damn minds! There is no way in Tinkerbell's tiny butt cheeks that you are gonna roll out the welcome mat on my front porch for a bunch of thieves!
Ned: We know it's an imposition...
Lily: An imposition is ordering clams at a kosher deli. Robbers nowadays are are multihyphenate hoodlums. They don't just rob. Oh no. They strip you naked, lather you in lard and slide you into the walls and leave you there. Then they rob you.
Ned: When you put it that way...
Lily: Why don't I just get a shovel and start digging my shallow grave now?

Chuck: To be fair, I should tell you that I have a gun in my pocket.
Rob Wright: To be fair, I don't really believe you.
Chuck: To be even more fair, all I have to do is scream and a whole cadre of big, strong men and sweet middle-aged ladies with shotguns will come running.
Rob Wright: Fair enough, and yet you haven't. Perhaps because you believe that society has a moral obligation to protect the least fortunate of it's ranks. And where society fails…
Chuck: You pick up the slack. Which sounds incredibly noble, until you kill someone.

Ned: Stakeouts are only fun when there are binoculars for everyone.

Emerson: Hello, motive. Nice to see you again.

Chuck: Why'd you do it, Elise?
Elise: I didn't do anything... except James Andrew.

Rob Wright: From one gentleman to another, allow me to apologize for our current situation.
Emerson: Well, I'd be a lot more receptive to that apology if there wasn't a knife pointed at my gullet.

Chuck: You're a lying liar and a murderer. Both of which are bad.

Daniel Hill: He deserves the Crème de la Crème, not some sugar-stuffed pop-tart with a helium voice and hooker heels