Al: (referring to soap operas) Everybody is sleeping with everybody!

Al: Norma Jean Pilcher? Sounds like one of the Beverly Hillbillies!

Sam: You know, she reminds me of my second wife, only her specialty was small appliances.

Sam: He wants to take what happened here and put it on the show...Is that ethical? That can't be ethical.
Al: No, it's television.

(A "nurse" walks past Sam and Al)
Al: (grins) Gee, suddenly, I feel kinda sick.
Sam: Come here...Would you get over here? Quit fooling around!
Al: I think I need some intensive care.

Sam: I have to go and lunch with some woman who won this soap-detergent contest!
Al: Well, you can look at it this way: at least you know she'll be clean!