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Real Time With Bill Maher: Season 4 premiere

Guests: Sen. Russ Feingold, commentator Fred Barnes, actor Eddie Griffin, reporter Helen Thomas, and Iraq advisor Dan Senor.

Episode Info
Episode number: 4x1
Airdate: Friday February 17th, 2006

Director: Hal Grant

Guest Stars
Dan SenorDan Senor
As Himself
Russ FeingoldRuss Feingold
As Himself
Eddie GriffinEddie Griffin
As Himself
Helen ThomasHelen Thomas
As Herself
Main Cast
Bill MaherBill Maher
As Himself
Episode Quotes
New Rules

If you play a sport where most of the speed comes from gravity, you're not an athlete, you're a weight.

You're not posing nude unless I can see your genitals. A peek at Scarlett Johansson's rump is not good enough. Especially when I've had Jake Gyllenhaal's ass in my face twice this year. Which is weird, because I haven't seen Jarhead ór Brokeback Mountain.

If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverant, that's one of those services which comes along with paying inn. I'll use the fire department I pay for, you can pray for rain. (mumbling) We're going to get letters on that one..

Let Britney be Britney. Darwin's survival of the fittest depends on hillbilly's being left alone to do stupid hillbilly things. Like sticking forks in toasters, and putting babies in front seats, going hunting with Dick Cheney.. She's Britney Spears, ofcourse she's going to drive with the baby on her lap. We're just lucky she didn't get it mixed up with an empty and throw it out of the window.

Stop worrying that the government is listening in on your phone conversation. The person you called isn't even listening to your phone conversation. Any American in this day and age who thinks they're not being monitored, is so naive and oblivious that I can't believe they're not already working for the Bush administration.

Closing Monologue

Which is not to say it isn't creepy thinking of Carl Rove monitoring my emails. Which is why all of mine say the same thing: Hey, did you hear freedom is on the march and I quit smoking pot? Praise Jesus -- Bill. But the organisation that's conducting these wiretaps, the NSA, is a spy agency different from all the others, in that it's only function is to listen. You know, like a husband. And if they need to listen to keep a dirty bomb from going off in Long Beach, then I say: listen away. All I ask, NSA, is that you don't judge, and more importantly, if you could screen my calls? In fact, just tell everybody that I'm not in. And oh, if I say something funny during one of my phone conversations, write it down and hit me back with an e-mail so I can use it in my next standup special.

So yes, on the downside, our lives here in America are now an open book. But on the upside, Bush doesn't read books. And really, people, if you're so worried about the privacy of your cellphone calls, stop making them when you're in line at Starbucks. Please, Americans don't want privacy, they want attention. They''ll put a camera in their shower and show it on the internet. Take it on to television, they'll marry strangers, and eat a cow's rectum, and ice dance with Todd Bridges. They're trying to get on a show called Big Brother. We are a nation of exhibitionists, from me to shining me. And what we really fear isn't that someone's listening, it's that noone's listening. This whole country is one big desperate cry for somebody to listen to me, photograph me, google me, read my blog. Read my diary, read my memoire. It's not interesting enough? I'll make shit up. You know that I could go on the internet right now, under my alternate screen name cherryxxx96, and get complete strangers to email me a picture of their scrotum. I tell you, this country gave the finger to privacy a long time ago. In fact, I have reason to believe that I am being video taped... right now.

Great to be back, thank you very much.

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