Episode Quotes
Mr. Oliver: Kyle, don't you wish your brother a happy birthday?
Kyle: This guy is 21, lives with his parents, wears an apron for living. There's no happy in that birthday, Dad.
Mr. Oliver: Big birthday plans, boys?
Sam: Nothing too crazy.
Mr. Oliver: Come on, Sam, you got to go out there and cut loose. You're only this age once, come on.
Sock: I like your thinking, Dad, I say we all get in the car, go get some smack, and kill a hooker in Vegas... (Mom gets upset and leaves) Ah, I mean, I mean patronize a hooker in Vegas... I would never kill a hooker in Vegas, I would never kill a hooker...
Bert: Hey, no shame in community college, K-Fed. I almost went.
Sam: Ted says I’m on notice.
Bert: So what? I live on notice.
Sam: Is this a carjacking? Are you carjacking me?
The Devil: For this? If it was an Escalade, maybe.
Andi: You were so cute together. You guys should’ve never broken up.
Sock: Actually, I had to, Andi, um, because I found out that she used to be a dude.
Josie: I heard that you used to be too.
Sock: Dude, seriously, stop looking at my junk.
Sam: My parents sold my soul to the Devil.
Sock: How drunk are you?
Sam: Totally sober.
Sock: How drunk am I?
The Devil: Ummm. Chicken-fried steak. I’m so glad I don’t have arteries.
Sam: Do I have to go to Hell now?
The Devil: Now? No, no, no, not now. You're gonna work for me now in the Earthly Realm.
Sam: You mean, like, kill people?
The Devil: Wow. You're a real pessimist. Of course you won't be murdering anyone. You're just going to bring escaped souls back to Hell. You know, like a bounty hunter. That's cool, right?
Sam: Wait a minute, so people can break out of Hell?
The Devil: Yeah. That's a problem we've been having lately, what with overcrowding and so forth. Honestly, we were underprepared for the influx. I blame myself. But that's not your problem. All you have to do is track down fugitives and haul their asses over to a portal to Hell. Easy.
Sam: What do you mean by portal?
The Devil: Well, any place that seems like Hell on Earth, is Hell on Earth, you know? The DMV on Union Street? Yeah, drop off a fugitive, renew your license. I'm all about the perks.
Sam: Oh, my God.
The Devil: Hey, kiddo, it's okay. I've seen how this all ends. Don't worry, God wins.
The Devil: Oh, gag, look at that tool. Will you capture him already?
The Devil: This will help. A vessel. Handcrafted in the bowels of Perdition, by the iniquitous and the vile. Oh, I forgot, you got 600 on the SATs, didn’t you?
Sam: Where were you?
Sock: Gift shop. (holds up magic marker) Ben would want eyebrows. Ben would want eyebrows, and he would want us to give them to him.
Sock: Tape hand!
Sock: Ned Schmecker! Meet the Schmecker Checkers!
Sam: Nice…
Sock: (after Sam defeats the fireman) Oh, I have never been so attracted to a man in my life... that's not what I meant.
Sam: Wait. So, they’re not all little vacuums?
DMV Demon: The boss gives you the vessel he thinks you can handle. You must be a real moron. (laughs hysterically)
Sam: Stay away from her. I swear to God…
The Devil: Swear to who? I don’t play in the kiddie pool.
The Devil: Great job with the arsonist. Who's the hero, huh? You're the hero, man. Pat yourself on the back, and I have a present for you, for the next fugitive.
Sam: So do I have to do this forever?
The Devil: Well, I mean, technically not forever. I mean, you're done when you die. Right? (Laughs)