Sock: Morning, Linda Blair.
Sam: That was hilarious.
Sock: Can you do that?
Sock: Can you turn your head all the way around?
Sam: Sock, I’m not possessed.
Sock: Yeah, okay.
Sam: My parents sold my soul to the Devil and I’m a bounty for Hell. Totally different.
Sock: Have you even tried to turn your head all the way around?
Sam: Yeah, it totally doesn’t work.
Sam: I’m good at stuff, okay. Other stuff. Right?
Sock: Yeah, you do rock the house at Guitar Hero.
Sam: That’s what I’m talking about.
Sock: Hey, where’s the truck going?
Sock: I approve, good.
Ben: You’re an idiot, Sam. And the Devil’s going to kill you when he finds out.
Sam: Well, I hope he won’t find out.
Ben: Well, isn’t he all-knowing and everything?
Sam: Ben, can you find Delaware on a map?
Ben: Well, you make an excellent point.
Ted: You have broken the most cardinal rule here at the Bench. A bloodied customer is not a happy customer.
Sam: Ted, it was an accident. I’m really really sorry.
Ted: The question is, what is the appropriate punishment?
Sock: Well, if you wanted to be really mean, you could make us work here, wear ugly blue aprons day and night, that would suck.
Sam: What’s with Jessica Alba?
Sock: She thinks she’s too good for me.
The Devil: Isn’t Nature magnificent? Beautiful, angry, soothing, merciless. It’s perfection, don’t you think? Gotta give… whatshisface credit.
Sam: Yeah, you know, I’ve been thinking about that. I don’t think I’m the guy who should be taking on the forces of evil.
The Devil: No?
Sam: I know you own my soul and all, but I think the world would be better off if I worked for you in a lesser capacity.
The Devil: Such as?
Sam: Well.. I haven’t come up with the full plan or anything. Maybe I could get the word out, you know, be a recruiter. I could start my own Satanic web site, with evil design and then have really cool devil graphics or something.
The Devil: Business is booming, Sam, I don’t need any help with recruiting.
Ben: Well, did the Devil give you instructions, a manual, anything?
Sam: No, the Devil just pretty much sets me up failure.
Ben: Yeah, well he is the Devil.
Sam: My soul gets sold to the Devil, I get 42 miles to the gallon.
Sock: You need a doctor. Dr. Jager, Dr. Cuervo, Dr. Captain Morgan--he has two titles.
Sock: You are a very very hostile young lady, do you know that? Can I have your number?
The Devil: You know, Sam, you’re a lucky man. You’re home during the day, all the wonderful daytime television to watch. When does Ellen come on?
The Devil: He was electrocuted in Hell every day that he was down there. That’s the kind of thing that makes a person crazy. That’s what I do best.
Andi: You know what, Ted? You caught me. I stole the eight bucks.
Ted: I see.
Andi: Yep. I was saving to buy you a girlfriend. I assume you’re okay with the plastic variety.
Sock: Oh, that is quite the bag o’batteries you’ve got there, Josie. Feeling lonely these days?
Josie: We’re having blackouts, jackass. They’re for my flashlight. And if I was lonely for you, I’d just get a pencil.
Sock: Oh that’s what they all say, sweetheart. (thinks about it) Wait, wait, wait…
Sock: I feel like a giant condom.
Ben: We’re going to die dressed as condoms.
Sock: That’s the truth.
The Devil: Look at that badass.
Sam: What are you talking about?
The Devil: You man, you. The way you faced off with that soul. “Are we gonna do this hard, or easy?” Ooh, I got chills. Seriously.
DMV Demon: The fact that you two haven’t been killed yet astonishes me.
Sam: Well, thanks, Gladys.
The Devil: C’mon, Sammy, turn that frown upside down.