(getting hosed down)
Sock: Not the crotch! Not the crotch!
Sam: You see that guy?
Sam: I just had this really weird vision that he stabbed me.
Sock: I just ate this really weird cupcake, so I guess we're even.
Sock: New devil box arrived in the middle of the back room. Scared the crap out of Ben.
Sam: What about me? I just thought I got stabbed. You know how scary that is?
Sock: All right, come on, hop on. Come on, piggyback. It’ll cheer you up. Come on! Come on!
Sam: No, I’m good.
Sock: Yeah, you’re a little big for that now, aren’t you? Just you so you know, I would have piggybacked you right back there.
Sock: I’m too disgruntled, all right. I mean, give me a break, no talking at work. I mean, what’s next, take away the air I breathe? Take away the beer that I’m about to drink on my break?
Sam: We are not machines, we are not robots.
Sock: Be cooler if we were robots.
Sock: You know who I’d be if I were a robot?
Sock: The hot chick from Terminator 3. First I would tear this building down brick by brick, then I would go home, lock myself in the bedroom, and stare at my boobs for as long as I wanted.
Sock: Which would be a long time.
The Devil: Sam, life’s too short to drink domestic.
The Devil: Minions. You know who works for me in my central office? White-collar criminals. They hate me, they hate their jobs. I’m lucky if I get coffee in the morning.
Sam: God, you sound like Ted.
The Devil: Ooh, that’s harsh. Ted is a real douchebag.
Ted: What, are you talking to yourself, Sam? That is a sad, sad state of affairs, my friend. Because no one answers. Ever. (uncomfortable pause) Ever.
Customer: How much for the flat screen?
Sock: A million dollars. Try Best Buy.
Ben: Nobody’s hurting Winston.
Sam: Who’s Winston?
Ben: The bird.
Sam: You named the vessel?
Sock: Dude, Winston is not a bird’s name, Ben.
Ben: Okay, well you tell me what a bird’s name is.
Sock: I don’t know, uh, how about Flappy? Or Paul?
Sock: So all I have to do is snap a little eyeliner and I'll get to shower with Cameron Diaz!
Ben: Or probably not!
Sock: It's her loss.
Ben: You know, I’ve never seen a dead body up close before. It’s messed up.
Sock: I know, right? I mean, you’d think that seeing Scarface all those times, I’d be better prepared for that.
Sam: You put the contract for my soul with my third-grade report card and Mr. Huggles?
Mrs. Oliver: Yeah, you're right. It's not going to be in here.
The Devil: You know, Sam, sarcasm is the lowest form of social discourse.
The Devil: Forget about the contract.
Sam: No, no. I wanna see it.
The Devil: But why?
Sam: Because I wanna know my rights.
The Devil: Oh, that's easy. You don't have any.
Driver: Go to Hell, jerk!
The Devil: I’ll meet you there, Bruce. (aside) You know that little thing on his neck? Not a freckle.
Ted: You know what, Sam? I’m not really in the habit of checking other men out. Unlike some people I know.
Sock: Huh? Sorry. I was so busy checking out your ass, I missed your funny joke.
Sock: That, my friend, was some fine hell sucking.
Sock: Hi, Gladys. You are looking ummm today.
Gladys: Place the vessel on the mat.
Sock: Whoa, it’s gonna to be kind of difficult with all that sexual tension pushing back.
The Devil: I never drink when I work. It clouds the mind.
Sam: Maybe if you drank, you’d be less of a dick.
The Devil: Filing system in the Abyss is shabby, as you might expect, but I’ll put in a request.