The Devil: I need you to go handle some plumbing.
Sam: What, so now I’m your handy man? That’s not part of the deal.
The Devil: Actually it is. I own you, Sam. If I ask you to take out the garbage in Hell, that’s what you’ll do.
Sock: You know, if I was the Dark Lord, I would do the exact same thing. I’d have a mistress in every continent on the planet.
Sam: He probably does.
Sock: He probably does, doesn’t he?
Sock: God he’s living the dream. I want to be the Prince of Darkness. No, uh, no, what’s below Prince?
Ben: Uh, Duke.
Sock: Duke. I want to be the Duke of Darkness. Maybe could you talk to him for me, set up a little internship, or…?
Sock: Not even a chance?
Andi: You guy must have done something enormously horrendous to get food court duty.
Sock: Oh, yeah. Some idiot posted a picture and profile of Ted on a bi-curious website. He totally blamed us.
Andi: Huh. You do it?
Ben: Of course.
Sock: She’s acting like a dude. You know, anything gets too emotional or too hard, you just ignore it, right? Eventually it’ll go away. Which makes Andi even more perfect, if that’s possible. Except for the part where she ripped your heart out and stomped on it. That was rude and lame.
Sock: I get it, I know what you’re doing. You’re acting like a chick.
Sam: Shut… shut up!
Sock: Oh, no, I will not shut up. You are acting like a chick and she is acting like a dude. That is so sad, Sam. I don’t know whether to hug you or kill you out of mercy.
Sam: Why do you have to do that?
The Devil: Well, it’s kind of in my nature. You know, Supreme Spirit of Evil and all that?
The Devil: Yeah, kind of like your nature to be an “a” hole.
Devil: Oh, that’s beneath you, Sam. You know names hurt.
(at a funeral)
The Devil: I enjoy spending time at these… ceremonies.
The Devil: Yes, people start asking questions. “Why would God do this?” “Is there even a God?” I like to be here and try and provide some answers.
Sock: Oh man, the Devil and I have the exact same taste in women. Is she really flexible, too?
Ben: Excuse me, but I’m not ashamed of my family in any way, okay? They’re not the ones that embarrass me.
Sock: And what are you embarrassed by, Ben, huh? (picks inside his ear) Oh my god, can you believe I pulled that out of my head?
Sam: Wait a second. Are you ashamed of Sock?
Ben: Half right.
Sock: No, no, nothing is impossible. Illegal, yeah, stupid, most definitely, but not impossible.
The Devil: I made no promises. My conscience is clear.
Sam: You don’t have a conscience.
The Devil: Oh yeah, that’s right, what a break.
Sock: (about Andi) You need to ask her out again, and again, and again. All right? You need to be persistent, like the ocean. Little waves of Sam crashing on the shores of Andi until she gradually wears down.
Sam: Or she gets a restraining order.
Sock: We got presents! Look. Bought your grandmother a book. It’s in Spanish.
Ben: It’s French.
Sock: What? Oh. Well, you know, it’s never too late to learn a new language.
Sam: I think you really cared about her.
The Devil: Want to see how much I cared about her? (snaps his fingers) She’s dead.
The Devil: That’s right. With the snap of my fingers, Mimi just got hit by a bus. Gruesome. Can’t tell her from the pavement. And that’s on you, buddy.
Sam: You sick son of a…
The Devil: Oh, calm down, hero. I’m screwing with you. (chuckles) Mimi’s fine.
Ben: The Devil has a child. You know, I never thought the Devil had genitals.
Sock: What, like a Ken doll?
Sock: This Satan’s trying to get you to hook you up with his daughter, you know, I bet she wants your man seed.
Sam: What? No.
Sock: Yeah, sure, think about it. You knock her up, right, the Devil has a little Sam baby running around catching souls for him when he grows up. After, you know, you kick. (pauses) Which I hope will not be for a very long time.