Sam: I’ve got a car.
Sock: Yeah, you have a hybrid, which is fine for saving the Earth. But if you wanna make the Earth move…

Ben: Was his face made up of human skin like in The Texas Chainsaw?
Andi: Ben, everybody’s face is made of human skin.
Sock: That is so true.

The Devil: You know what I’ve been thinking about lately, Sam? Trust, honesty, integrity… I don’t like those words, not one little bit.

The Devil: I show you this because I care… and also I kind of enjoy it.

Ben: Think about it, Sam. Women don’t always tell you when you screw up. They like to give non verbal clues.
Sock: i.e., making out with another dude.

Sock: Chicks do not want sensitive, okay? They want a bad boy. They want someone who is going to break all the rules. Someone who will bang them on the back of a motorcycle and then not do the dishes.

Ted: I would like to start the staff meeting on a happy note. We have a little bit of exciting news.
Sock: You finally moved out of your mom’s house.

Sara: Esteban is much more discrete and responsible. He’s the catcher on the trapeze.

Sock: Oh, you know what? I’m a little relieved that Sara’s bun didn’t come out of my oven, if you know what I’m talking about.
Ben: How could it possibly be yours?
Sock: Well, Ben, let’s just say I had a very vivid dream and leave it at that, okay?

Sam: You keep vessels in mini storage?
Gladys: This is a portal to Hell.
Sam: Really? It doesn’t look that evil.
Gladys: There are 13 bodies hidden in these units alone.
Sam: Okay.

Sam: No matter what Greg does to Andi, he can’t stop her loving me. I just have to remind her of that, I can’t lose.
Sock: Back up. Andi loves you?
Sam: Well of course she does.
Sock: She said that?
Sam: I… not in words.
Sock: Okay, ‘cause no offense, really, but I’ve known you for what, 14 years, and I only sort of like you. You can be pretty irritating. I’m sorry, but… see, ‘cause I love these shoes. Love is a complicated emotion, Sam. Full of tingly feelings and frustration and anger.

The Devil: Come with me if you want to live. Seriously, you’re screwed here.

Greg: Dad was right. I make one boneheaded move after another. I failed my driving test 17 times.
Ben: Hey, everybody makes mistakes.
Greg: I sent money to six Nigerian princesses and I’ve never met one of them.
Sam: You’re… you’re trusting.
Greg: I made a pass at my stepmother!
The Guys: Ewww…

Greg: Look, just let it come. I’m pathetic.
Sam: No you’re not. Look, look, look, you have a trophy
Greg: Yeah, it’s for attendance!

Ben: If you’re free to date in this marriage, I am too. If you’re free to get pregnant… good for you.

Sam: Pretty proud of yourself.
The Devil: Heh. Pride is my favorite cardinal sin. You know what you have to do.
Sam: Kill Greg.
The Devil: Ooh, say that again. Only this time use a Russian accent.