The Devil: Oh, Sammy, I know you want to resist it, but I really expect you to rise to the heights of political power here on Earth, seize control of the planet, and hasten the Apocalypse. What you wear reflects directly on me as a parent. And as a stylist.
(seeing the Devil's business card)
Sam: What's with the circles?
The Devil: You like it? It represents the nine circles of Hell. I contracted an advertising firm to help me spin a few branding idea. I think it's nifty.
(holds up hand for Sam)
The Devil: Boo-yah! Come on, I stabbed you in the back fair and square, man, it's impolite to leave me hanging.
Sock: Ah, Ben--look, Ben's having crazy ex problems right now.
Pesi: I've seen my share of nutty bitches.
Sam: Well.. I seduced you.
Andi: You mean you followed me around for seven years like a puppy. And then you wore me down with your subtle charms. That's not really called seduction, it's called.. erosion.
Delivery Guy: Delivery from Bargain Bench.
Sock: Ah, you just entered a world of pain my friend. Work Bench blue around here, my friend.
Delivery Guy: That outfit makes you look like a Swedish housfrau.
Sock: I don't even know what that is. Boom!
Ben: I'm pretty sure I have glass in my eye.
Sock: Nobody likes a cry baby, Benji. Suck it up.
The Devil: I have difficulty maintaining relationships with women. Mostly because.. I mistreat them. you know, I lead them on, I bag them, tag them, I kick them down the stairs. And I blame it on my deep commitment to self-love. It's my Achilles.
Sam: I don't get it. Why don't you just call her yourself?
The Devil: I'm the Devil. I don't chase tail., Sam. Tail chases me.
Nina: Okay, well, I just wanted to say that... I feel terrible about the way that I've been acting.
Sock: You mean like a girl who eats cars?
Nina: I'm not gonna try to make any excuses here. But it's not like I used no self control. I mean, your head didn't end up on a pike, right?
The Devil: The lyric is "If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with." I should know, I wrote it. Or at least I provided the weed that provided the tryst that provided the inspiration.
Sally: You are an ass.
The Devil: I am the dark lord of asses.