Ben: Good for you. Sometimes you've got to look reality in the face and say "no."
Kristen: My father cannot know I date my stepbrother.
Sock: All right, sure, look, he'll be shocked at first. Yeah, so is the father of every girl I've ever dated, all right? But eventually, I promise you, he will settle into a nice, grudging acceptance.
Ben: Put some clothes on, please?
Sock: I'm too upset for clothes.
Ben: None of my other girlfriends ever played fetch with me.
Ben: Hey. Guess what Saturday is. Our two-month anniversary.
Nina: You're right. Wow, two months ago I kidnapped you and forced you to be my boyfriend.
Ben: Oh, the details don't matter. What matters is I want to do something special for our occasion. Anything you want to do, okay? Unless it involves sacrificing an animal.
Ben: But anything else, I'm in.
Nina: You know what, there is something that I want to do. It's something that's really important to me. I think it will take our relationship to the next level.
Ben: Reverse cowgirl?
The Devil: You know, in the old days I used to get the souls that ate shrimp. Can you imagine how unsatisfying that was?
Sam: It's a work problem. It's just.. it's for my other job.
Andi: Oh, well, can't Sock or Ben do it?
Sam: Well, this problem really needs somebody who's... smart.
Andi: Oh. I can see your dilemma.
Ben: Tomorrow night for our special anniversary, you and me, we're flying to the moon.
Nina: Baby, you would suffocate and freeze before we got there.
Sam: Maybe Hell will think it's a mix-up. If not, we got to send Billy back.
Sock: Eh. Either way we get to enjoy the night air and desecrate a cemetery.
Nina: Can I tell you a secret?
Ben: Of course.
Nina: Okay. A long time ago, I had hemophobia.
Ben: That ain't right. My cousin's gay.
Nina: No, hemophobia. It's the fear of blood.
Ben: Well, you love blood.
Nina: I know. See, that's what's crazy. I just had to confront my fears. I immersed myself in it, and once I did that it was great, I loved it. And now I can bathe in it every single day.
Ben: That's... nice for you.
Sam: Well you'd better start connecting physically quick, because I've got a feeling you're running out of time.
Billy Boyland: I can't rush it, dude. It's not just about me. It's about Cindy's pleasure too. It says so right on the condom box.
Sock: Something good happened here today, boys. The geek escaped from Hell. Geek banged a cougar. Geek walks away a little less of a geek. And we helped. Looks like we're his fairy bone-mothers. That is a nice feeling.
Sock: I talked to your dad already, and once he gets tired of beating me, we can eventually be happy together, you and me.
Kristen: I came to America as a girl. But because of you I leave it as a woman who has discovered both her sexuality and her ability to manage an extended-stay hotel.