The Devil: Did you know, beginning in the late 19th century, corporations were granted all the rights of the individual, but none of the annoying responsibilities. They lack, almost by design, any kind of moral compass, conscience, or compassion. Basically, corporations are a way to enact sociopathic behavior on a grand scale. In short, they're what makes this country so damn great.

Ben: Sock and I usually give each other haircuts.
Sock: Usually? Did you say usually, Ben? Usually? Lest you forget that we have been cutting each other’s hair for six years, Ben. Six long, wonderful, funky-fresh years of bowl cuts and corn rows and fades and high tights and many, many, many more. You name it. And then I come home to this, so yeah, yeah, something’s wrong.
Ben: Man, you need a girlfriend.

Sam: Is he dead?
The Devil: Well, that poor bastard just dropped 59 floors. Nah, he's probably fine.

The Devil: My tailor died.
Sam: Oh, well, I'm sorry.
The Devil: Eighty-one years I was with Lou. He knew how to make a suit drip off a man. Sweet Louie. I'm going to need some new blood, pronto.
Sam: Don't you always wear the same suit?
The Devil: I change three times a day, kiddo. This is my afternoon suit.

Sam: What the hell was that?!?
The Devil: Oh, that is a portal to the home office.
Sam: That's a portal to Hell?
The Devil: No, it's a portal to Secaucus.

Nina: Okay, look. I was really wild when I lived there, okay? And I don't want to slip back into some old , negative habits, like maiming and torturing and impaling. Oh, my God, you guys, it's like spring break! If you're a demon.
Ben: But you're different now, right?
Nina: Absolutely. In theory. The thing is, I've done a lot of personal development and detoxing in order to stop craving the sounds of people in agony.
Ben: She's more of a Stevie Wonder fan now.

Ben: Now my first idea combines a hotel and a retail mall, all underwater. I give you Bentopia.
Sam: Why is it underwater?
Ben: Ah, 360 degree ocean views, man.
Sam: It's... right. Okay. Do you have anything that isn't underwater.
Ben: I'm sorry, I think they all are.

Walter Randall: I'm impressed.
Sam: I would never... what?
Walter Randall: I have seen some ruthless stunts in my days. Not many capital offenses, though. Even the best business schools don't breed that kind of bloodlust.
Sam: Thank you?
Walter Randall: Sam Oliver, you are the total package. guts, determination, sociopathic tendencies. Welcome to the executive ranks, my friend.

Ben: As soon as you get back, I'm going to draw you a nice bath and give you a long-ass foot massage.
Nina: You will? That sounds amazing. Maybe you could get in the bath with me!
Ben: Honey, I would, but it's a one-person tub, and I don't want to cramp you in there.
Nina: I wouldn't mind.
Ben: I know, but then there's the issue of dirty bathwater, and if we're both in there then we're only semi-clean and nobody wants that..
Nina: Yeah, you're right. Oh, maybe we could take a shower together. That eliminates the dirty water scenario.
Ben: Yeah, that's a great idea, shower. Well, there's just one caveat, baby? I don't like to stand when I'm naked.
Nina: You sit in the shower, babe?
Ben: Well, I sit or squat, yeah.
Nina: Okay. Then when I get back, we'll squat in the shower together.
Ben: Okay. What, you've never said goodbye to your girlfriend before?

The Devil: I need to get my old tailor back.
Sam: I thought he was dead.
The Devil: Semantics. Don't worry about it.

Ben: Ok, uh... allow me, Samuel. All right, we use my system, we'll have this thing cracked in no time
Sam: You have a system?
Ben: There's a lot you don't know about me, Sammy. A lot. Please turn the dial to 0-0-0.
Sam: Locked.
Ben: 0-0-1. 0-0-2... 0-0-3.
Sam: Wait, are you just wanting me to stand here and try every number until we find a...
Ben: Trust the system, Sam. Trust it. 0-0-4. I think this is gonna be the one.

The Straw-O-Matic that Ben mentions as one of his inventions was first seen in "The Home Stretch".