(After realizing that his father had wet the bed.)
Tommy: Ya know what? You’re cleaning the sheets this time.
Tommy’s Dad: I don’t know how to clean sheets. I’m a God damn war hero, asshole.
Tommy: Oh yeah, well get your fat, God damn war hero ass into the shower right now.
Sheila: I need you to talk to Damian. I found a box of condoms in his room.
Tommy: Look, he’s almost 18 years old. There’s porn all over the internet, okay – hardcore, softcore, midgets blowing sheep. I think he’s probably pretty up to date.
Tommy: How ya doin’?
Uncle Teddy: I lost another 5 pounds, 83 total.
Uncle Teddy: Ya, this Murder 1 is the best God damn diet I’ve ever been on.
Tommy: Get in.
Damian: Somethin’ wrong?
Tommy: What your Godfather, who happens to love you very, very much by the way, can’t come and pick you up from school without there being something wrong?
( Damian gives him a blank look.)
Tommy: Something’s wrong. Get in. We gotta talk.
Tommy: Where was Mrs. Turbody when I was in school? I had Sister Mary Shovelface. You get Sharon Stone.
Cousin Eddie: What the hell is he doing smoking?
Tommy: It’s my fault apparently.
Johnny: Yeah, what isn’t these days.
Tommy: Tell me about it.
Johnny: Nobody’s more tired of being in the middle of this bullshit than me. I drop the kids at your place. I pick them up every God damn Sunday night. Then, I gotta listen to her go on and on about how’s the place look? Is Tommy sleeping in his bed? How does Tommy look? How does dad look? Blah, blah, friggin’ blah! I’m sick of it!
Tommy: So she asks about me?
(Johnny looks at Cousin Eddie.)
Johnny: I’m gonna kill him, man.
(Lou puts 50 bucks into the smoking jar.)
Lou: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Sean: Whoa, I didn’t know Lou was a Pink Floyd fan.
(Franco gets up and leaves in amazement at Sean’s stupidity.)
Probie: It was Green Day, asshole.
Janet: Ya know the only good thing to come out of this is that now I don’t have to watch Connor grow up and turn out exactly like you.
Franco: Jesus, that was a bitch, huh?
Lou: I almost puked on the third floor.
Chief: That’s that sausage and pepper sandwich coming back at ya.
Lou: No, it was that old broad I saved. She shit her pants on the way down.
Tommy: Who knew Noah was alive and well and livin’ up in Harlem?
Noah is a biblical man who built an ark at the Lords request to house 2 of every species of animal during the upcoming flood. The reference was made here because a home they were trying to suppress a fire at was also home to a wide variety of exotic animals.
Probie: She was watching Monday Night Football the night they announced John Lennon got shot.
John Lennon was the former lead singer of the Beatles and was shot on December 8th, 1980. Since, at the time, Monday Night Football was watched by the majority of the nation, Howard Cosell was the person from whom many people first heard the news.