Zelda: (To Hilda, after getting off the phone) That was Mr. Kraft. He want’s us to chaperone the dance with him Friday night. I told him we’d love to.
Hilda: Oh-no! Me and Willard Kraft at a dimly lit dance together? Ugh! You know what that means?
Salem: A stolen moment in the janitors closet?
Hilda: No. It means I’ll have to spend my whole evening avoiding him. Which means no time to make fun of how the awkward kids dance.
Zelda: I may have the answer to your troubles. What if I asked him to be my date?
Hilda Oh, I couldn’t ask you to that.
Zelda: Well actually I find him attractive.
Hilda: Oh-no! Salem, Zelda has a brain lesion!
Zelda: But if you have any problem with it what so ever, I-I-I won’t ask him.
Hilda: Me? Why would I have a problem with it? I mean he’s not my boyfriend. You know, in fact you would be doing me a favor.
Zelda: Well great! Then I’ll ask him.
Salem: (To Hilda after Zelda leaves) Wow! You must feel like a huge loser. Huh? Who said that?
Salem: He-he-he! Hilda! What do you think of this letter? A-A-Hem. (Reading) ‘Dear Yuri. Congratulations. I’m amazed that a person of such low intelligence could defeat me in chess. Hats off to your mother for marrying your brother.’ I’ll stop. After that it gets a little mean.
Hilda: That’s nice Salem.
Salem: Is something wrong?
Hilda: Yes something’s wrong! Zelda stole my boyfriend, that’s what’s wrong.
Salem: But I thought you despised Mr. Kraft? Last time you went out with him you came home and took a bath like Meryl Streep did in Silkwood.
Hilda: Yeah but haven’t you ever had a person in your life who you find truly revolting and the thought of them touching you makes you gag but you keep them around because they compliment you?
Salem: That’s what they teach in church.
Hilda: What am I gonna do?
Salem: Just go down to the school and ask him to the dance. He’ll get all mushy and say how he wishes he could go with you. So you’ll feel better but you’re in no danger of an actual date because you already know he’s going with Zelda.
Hilda: That’s not half bad! (She start patting his head in thanks)
Salem: Hey, when you spend eight hours a day licking your butt you come up with a good idea every now and again.
Salem: Hey! You’re still here. Shouldn’t you be at the dance?
Hilda: Yeah. But I’m going to wait a while. I feel so stupid going without a date.
Salem: So paint on half a mustache and go with yourself. (At this point the doorbell rings and Hilda opens it to find a big man standing there)
Yuri: I’m Yuri. I come to kill Salem.
Salem: Uh-oh! (In a high pitched girlie voice) Salem’s not here.
Hilda: Can I help you?
Yuri: Salem has insulted my mother for last time. I will wear his entrails as hat.
Salem: Huh! (He starts trembling with fear)
Hilda: You know Salem’s not here right now but I know where you can find him. He happens to be at a high school dance I’m going to. I’ll take you to him, okay? (She goes to see Salem before leaving for the dance)
Salem: Thanks a bunch Hilda. I’ll never call you stupid behind your back again.
Hilda: I didn’t do it for you, I need a date, and underneath all those pelts it looks like he’s got a pretty good body.