Salem: How do you like my new litter-box? He-ha-ha-ha-ha! Halloween, is it just a date on the calendar that people from England don’t know about? Or is it a state of mind? Or is it a state of being? I frankly... don’t know, but come along on our Halloween journey and maybe by the end we’ll all know. (A high-pitched scream pierces the air) Is this lining real satin?
Salem: You know, I’ve been thinking of revising my will and leaving you my entire collection of Pez dispensers.
Sabrina: What d’ya want?
Salem: A ride to the graveyard tonight? Pleeease?
Sabrina: No can do, I’ve gotta work. (She hears a moan and shivers, but Salem ignores it)
Salem: Oh that’s right. You’ve got that nice boss, real generous guy, always thinking of others, giving of himself.
Sabrina: Your point?
Salem: D’ya think he’d give me a ride to the graveyard?
Hilda: Zelda, do you mind turning down your thunder?
Zelda: If you’ll turn down your clanking chains.
Edgar Allan Poe: Very well. (Reading) ‘A poem by Edgar Allan P...’ (The ringing phone interrupts his poem. He jumps looking around rubbing his temples) What is that ringing?
Zelda: A tel-a-phone. That’s how we communicate these days.
Edgar Allan Poe: Haven’t you people ever heard of e-mail?
Hilda: (Calling out) Salem! Get the phone! (To Edgar) Go ahead, curdle our blood.
Salem: (Plucking raven feathers from his body) Phtoo! (Mimicking Hilda) Salem, we’re too busy being scared out of our wits to answer the phone. (answering the phone) Hello?
Sabrina: Salem, exactly what did my aunts mean when they said that I couldn’t avoid Halloween?
Salem: I’m fine, how are you?
Salem: If you run away from Halloween, Halloween will find you... and it won’t be happy.
Sabrina: Urrr! And once Halloween has found you, how do you get it to un-find you?
Salem: That’ll require research.
Salem: So, what is it we learned in this weeks episode? That, try as you may, you cannot run away from Halloween. That you never really know what lurks beneath your neighborhood sewer grates and that... (sobbing) the zombies are really scary! (He jumps and yelps with fear as said zombie leans round the coffin lid with a tray.) Oh right, my coffee. Hey, where’s my biscotti?
(After being turned into a Raven by Hilda)
Salem: Quoth the raven, "Bite me."
This is a spoof from Edgar Allan Poe's poem The Raven.
The title, Episode LXXXI: The Phantom Menace is a spoof of the 1999 movie title Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.