Debbie: Fiona takes care of everyone, but no one takes care of Fiona.
Steve: Did you purposefully order a "Sex on the Beach" just so I'd say it to the gay bartender?
Fiona: Maybe. Maybe I was hoping you'd actually take me away someplace so we could have sex on a beach.
Steve: I could barely get you overnight in a local hotel.
Fiona: Well, that was then; this is now.
Fiona: Hey, what do you think of Steve?
Lip: Ass is kind of small; not really my type. You about to retreat and count your wounded?
Fiona: No. Just... just want to know if I should trust him.
Lip: That's like asking if you should believe in God.
Lou Deckner: Is that gonna be a problem, getting Monica to sign?
Frank: No. Why-why would it be a problem?
Lou Deckner: If memory serves, she was a summa cum laude cunt.
Frank: Yeah, well, she was a lot of things.
Debbie: Are you screwing my sister's boyfriend?
Candace Lishman: If you're selling cookies, that's a hell of an opening line.
Candace Lishman: (to Debbie) Can I get you something? Milk? Soda? A joint? It's medicinal.
Steve: Hey, Mom, me and Chip are gonna swing by the hospital to see Dad, so you can relax now, okay?
Candace Lishman: Oh, thank you, Jimmy. You take such good care of your mama bear. Oh! This is, uh...
Debbie: Debbie. Debbie Gallagher. Nice to meet you... Jimmy.
Candace Lishman: Jimmy is my youngest. Top of his class at Michigan in med school. He is going to be a cardiothoracic surgeon like his big brother and his daddy. And he has been taking such good care of me since his father went into the hospital. A fender bender; broke his kneecap. And you know, doctors make the worst patients. Oh, would you like to stay for dinner, sweetheart?
Candace Lishman: Oh shit! I liked her.
Sheila Jackson: How can you not know who two of Chicago's weathermen are? What kind of person is this Monica?
Steve: Are you gonna tell Fiona?
Debbie: Exactly what am I supposed to tell her? That your name isn't Steve? That you have a family in Chicago she's never met? Or that your mom kisses you on the lips? Which is really gross, by the way.
Debbie: (to Steve about Fiona) What are your intentions? You're distracting her, and I need her in the game for at least a few more years. I can't have you breaking her heart, or running off with her. So if you're not serious about sticking around, back off now.
Frank: (to Sheila) I need the key to the back door. That is not a sexual euphemism.
Fiona: Hell hath no fury like popcorn burned.
Kash: Put the candy back, Mickey.
Mickey: (bites the Snickers bar) Mm. That's sweet. I like 'em sweet. But then, uh... So do you, huh?
Fiona: (to Monica) This is about you. This is about what you didn't do. It's about what I did. And you know what? I did a fucking great job. Debbie is class president. She's on the debate team, going to nationals. And Lip, he's top of his class. He set the curve. Ian was promoted in ROTC and he tested out of English. And Carl made something blow up for his science fair. And you know what, they did it all, no thanks to you! Because you weren't here!