Fiona: (about Monica) She left Carl at Oktoberfest until November. This is a woman who burned a hole in Liam's footie pajamas when she fell asleep smoking while nursing.
Steve: She came back.
Fiona: She's a flake. Okay? She never called. She never came by. She never sent those kids a fucking birthday card!
Lip: I don't care what the fucking DNA test says. You're not taking Liam.
Roberta: We'll see about that.
Lip: Yeah, we will.
Roberta: We having a problem, Phillip?!
Lip: I dunno... Bob! Let's see. You're camped out in my house, you're fucking my mother, and you're talking about stealing my baby brother. Why would we have a problem?
Karen: Think we could get it painted? The car.
Eddie Jackson: Anything you want, Princess. I am just so proud of you for deciding to go to the Purity Ball and letting me protect you the way Jesus intended, huh?
Mandy: Kash had better move his family back to Baghdad before Mickey gets out.
Ian: He's from Evanston.
Mandy: Won't be nearly far enough.
Kevin: Oh, and hey, that Jasper guy was hanging around again, asking questions about you. Wanted to know how you felt. If you were back to work, that sort of thing.
Frank: Fucking disability guy. He's outside right now. Been following me around all morning.
Tommy: I told him you were training for a marathon.
Frank: Every year that shithead tries to trip me up, stop my disability check. I finally get some luck, and this douche with a video cam has to show up.
Kevin: You don't have any luck.
Lip: You doing okay?
Ian: Lot going on.
Lip: Yeah. It's weird having Monica back.
Ian: Yeah. Yeah, that, too.
Lip: What? Something else?
Ian: It's kind of hard to explain.
Lip: Try me.
Ian: Mickey's gay, and we're doing it. And Kash shot Mickey because of me, but Mickey would rather go to juvie than admit he's gay. So, I'm doing both Kash and Mickey. Well, not so much Kash lately. But when Kash and me were hot and heavy, Linda found out about it, and is blackmailing Kash into having another kid.
Lip: Holy shit.
Christine Dowling: You know, the law's pretty strict regarding parental rights. You'd need to prove incompetence. Do you have a case?
Veronica: How much time do you have?
Fiona: I have a folder.
Christine Dowling: You got a folder. Okay.
Lip: (about DNA tests) It's actually pretty cool. There's a lot of shit we can figure out about ourselves in there.
Ian: Yeah, like, uh, if we got the alcoholic gene from Frank.
Lip: Yeah, or the dummy gene from Monica.
Ian: Or if any of us is gonna turn out to be gay.
Mickey: Thanks for putting money in my commissary account. I was running low on smokes.
Ian: Not me. Kash. I told him you might still press charges.
Randy Kulovitz: In order for you to receive the full gift of purity, you need to be as honest as you can.
Eddie Jackson: It's okay, sweetheart. Just tell what happened.
Karen: Um, well, okay. I started having oral sex at a very young age, maybe 13. It was guys around the neighborhood, three or four at first and then, well, more than three or four. I didn't have intercourse until the eighth grade. I didn't like it at first, but then around the sixth time, it started to feel good, really good, but I didn't feel good about it. Um, there was a few times where I got high and started experimenting with guys and girls at the same time. I wouldn't necessarily call it an orgy, but there were a lot of naked body parts flying around, which felt very good but kind of bad all at the same time. And then there was the time at Mindy Carlson's sleepover when we all got in the shower and started soaping each other up, and then her mom walked in and freaked out when she saw Mindy in the shower with a big, black strap-on dildo.
Eddie Jackson: You whore! Whores don't get cars!
Lip: Me and Ian decided to get our DNA tests done, too, on the off chance that maybe we aren't Frank's kids.
Monica Gallagher: What?
Lip: Yeah. We figured why should you and Bob get to have all the fun?
(Lip opens the letter)
Lip: Holy shit. Congratulations, Ian. You are not Frank Gallagher's son.
Ian: All right, the results say that you, Frank, are absolutely not my father. But my father is a close relative, most likely one of your brothers.
Sheila Jackson: What's the matter with you?
Eddie Jackson: She tell you? She tell you what she said?
Sheila Jackson: You called our daughter a whore.
Eddie Jackson: How about what she did to me?!
Sheila Jackson: Get out. Out.
Eddie Jackson: What?
Sheila Jackson: Just get out! Get out!
Eddie Jackson: Did she mention what she did to me?!
Sheila Jackson: She's a human being! She deserves love, not hate! What's the matter with you?! Don't ever come back!