Jim Moriarty: So if you have what you say you have, I'll make you rich. If you don't, I'll make you into shoes.
Sherlock: What are you typing?
Sherlock: You mean me.
Sherlock: Well, you're typing a lot.
Sherlock: No, don't mention the unsolved ones.
John: People want to know you're human.
John: Cause they're interested.
Sherlock: No they're not. Why are they?
John: Hmm. You know. One thousand eight hundred and 95.
John: I reset that counter last night. This blog has had has nearly two thousand hits in the last eight hours. This is your living, Sherlock. Not two hundred and forty different types of tobacco ash.
Sherlock: Two hundred and forty-three.
DI Lestrade: Have you heard of Sherlock Holmes?
DI Carter: Who?
DI Lestrade: Well, you're about to meet him now. This is your case. It's entirely up to you. This is just friendly advice. But give Sherlock five minutes on your crime scene and listen to everything he has to say. And as far as possible, try not to punch him.
Sherlock: (about Phil) Having driven to an isolated location and successfully committed a crime without a single witness, why would he then call the police and consult a detective? Fair play?
DI Carter: He's trying to be clever. He's over-confident.
Sherlock: Did you see him? Morbidly obese, the undisguised halitosis of a single man living on his own, the right sleeve of an Internet porn addict, and the breathing pattern of an untreated heart condition. Low self-esteem, tiny IQ, and a limited life expectancy. And you think he's an audacious criminal mastermind? (turns to Phil) Don't worry, this is just stupid.
Phil: What did you say? Heart what?
John: You wearing any pants?
John: What are we doing here? Sherlock, seriously, what?
Sherlock: I don't know.
John: Here to see the Queen?
(Mycroft comes in)
Sherlock: Hmm. Apparently yes.
Mycroft Holmes: Just once can you two behave like adults?
John: We solve crimes, I blog about it, and he forgets his pants. I wouldn't hold out too much hope.
Mycroft Holmes: I'll be mother.
Sherlock: And there is a whole childhood in a nutshell.
Mycroft Holmes: Don't be alarmed. It's to do with sex.
Sherlock: Sex doesn't alarm me.
Mycroft Holmes: How would you know?
John: Punch you?
Sherlock: Yes, punch me in the face. Didn't you hear me?
John: I always hear "punch me in the face" when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext.
John: Don't you remember, I was a soldier. I killed people.
Sherlock: You were a doctor!
John: I had bad days!
Irene Adler: I don't understand.
Sherlock: Oh, well, try to.
Irene Adler: Why?
Sherlock: Because you cater to the whims of the pathetic and take your clothes off to make an impression. Stop boring me and think!
Irene Adler: Do you know the big problem with a disguise, Mr. Holmes? However hard you try, it's always a self-portrait.
Sherlock: You think I'm a vicar with a bleeding face?
Irene Adler: No, I think you're damaged, delusional, and believe in a higher power. In your case, it's yourself.
Sherlock: If I was to look at naked women, I'd borrow John's laptop.
John: You do borrow my laptop.
Sherlock: I confiscate it.
Sherlock: Look at them. They all care so much. Do you ever wonder if there's something wrong with us?
Mycroft Holmes: All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage... Sherlock.
John: Listen, has he ever had any kind of, um, girlfriend, boyfriend, a relationship, ever?
Mrs. Hudson: I don't know.
John: How could we not know?
Mrs. Hudson: He's Sherlock. How will we ever know what goes on in that funny old head?
John: You... flirted with Sherlock Holmes?
Irene Adler: At him. He never replies.
John: Sherlock always replies. To... everything. He's Mr. Punchline. He will outlive God trying to have the last word.
Sherlock: Don't snivel, Mrs. Hudson. It will do nothing to impede the flight of a bullet. What a tender world that would be.
Sherlock: First get rid of your boys.
Sherlock: I dislike being outnumbered. It makes for too much stupidity in the room.
Neilson: You two go to the car.
Sherlock: And then get into the car and drive away. Don't try to trick me. You know who I am--it doesn't work.
Sherlock: Oh, you're rather good.
Irene Adler: You're not not so bad.
John: Hamish. John Hamish Watson. Just if you're looking for baby names.
Sherlock: Please don't feel obliged to tell me that was remarkable or amazing. John has expressed that thought in every possible variant available to the English language.
Irene Adler: I would have you right here on this desk until you begged for mercy twice.
Sherlock: John, please could you check those flight schedules, see if I'm right?
John: Oh... ummm. I'm on it, yeah.
Sherlock: I never begged for mercy in my life.
Irene Adler: Twice.
Sherlock: You could have chosen any random number and walked out of here today with everything you've worked for. But you just couldn't resist it, could you? I've always assumed that love is a dangerous disadvantage. Thank you for the final proof.
Irene Adler: Everything I said, it's not real. I was just playing the game.
Sherlock: I know. And this is just losing.
Mycroft Holmes: My brother has the brain of a scientist or a philosopher, yet he elects to be a detective. What might we deduce about his heart?
John: I don't know.
Mycroft Holmes: Neither do I. But initially he wanted to be a pirate.