Charles Magnussen: Facts are for history books. I work in news.
John: You can't come, you're pregnant.
Mary: You can't go, I'm pregnant.
Mary: What is that?
John: It's a tire lever.
John: Because there's a load of smackheads in there, and one of them might need help with a tire.
John: I'm asking you if you've seen Isaac Whitney and now you're showing me a knife. Is it a clue?
Mycroft: If you go against Magnussen, then you will find yourself going against me.
Sherlock: Okay. I'll let you know if I notice.
John: It's for a case, you said?
John: What sort of case?
Sherlock: Too big and dangerous for any sane individual to get involved in.
John: You trying to put me off?
Sherlock: God, no. I'm trying to recruit you.
Sherlock: Now, Magnussen. Magnussen is like a shark. It's the only way I can describe him. Have you ever been to the shark tank at the London Aquarium, John? Stood up close to the glass. Those floating flat faces, those dead eyes. That's what he is. I've dealt with murderers, psychopaths, terrorists, serial killers. None of them can turn my stomach like Charles Augustus Magnussen.
Sherlock: If I was to use this card on that lift now, what happens?
John: Well, the alarms would go off and you'd be dragged away by security.
John: Taken to a small room somewhere and your head kicked in.
Sherlock: Do you really need so much color?
John: It passes the time.
Janine: Sherlock Holmes, you are a backstabbing, heartless, manipulative bastard.
Sherlock: You, as it turns out, are a grasping, opportunistic, publicity-hungry, tabloid whore.
Janine: So we're good then?
Sherlock: Yeah, of course.
Mary: Do you own this place?
Sherlock: Umm, I won it in a card game with the Clarence House Cannibal. Nearly cost me my kidneys, but fortunately I had a straight flush. Quite a gambler, that woman.
Sherlock: Get me some morphine from your kitchen, I've run out.
Mrs. Hudson: I don't have any morphine.
Sherlock: Then what exactly is the point of you?!?
John : No, I have a better question--is everyone I have ever met a psychopath?
John: You. What have I ever done, hmm? My whole life... to deserve you?
John: Sherlock, I've told you, shut up.
Sherlock: No, I mean it. Seriously. Everything, everything you've ever done is what you did.
John: Sherlock, one more word and you will not need morphine.
Sherlock: You were a doctor who went to war. You're a man who couldn't stay in the suburbs for more than a month without storming a crack den, beating up a junkie. Your best friend is a sociopath who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. That's me by the way, hello. Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel.
Mrs. Hudson: It was my husband's cartel, I was just typing.
Sherlock: And exotic dancing.
Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock Holmes, if you've been Youtubing...
Sherlock: John, you are addicted to a certain lifestyle. You're abnormally attracted to dangerous situations and people. So is it truly such a surprise that the woman you've fallen in love with conforms to that pattern?
John: But she wasn't supposed to be like that. Why is she like that?
Sherlock: Because you chose her.
John: The problems of your past are your business. The problems of your future are my privilege. That's all I have to say, that's all I need to know.
Sherlock: A dragon slayer. Is that what you think of me?
Mycroft: No. It's what you think of yourself.
Mycroft: MI6. They want to place you back into Eastern Europe. An undercover assignment that will prove fatal to you in, I think, about six months.
Sherlock: Then why don't you want me to take it?
Mycroft: It's tempting. But on balance, you have more utility closer to home.
Sherlock: Utility. How do I have utility?
Mycroft: Here there be dragons.
Sherlock: Do you want your wife to be safe?
John: Yeah, of course I do.
Sherlock: Good. Because this is going to be incredibly dangerous. One false move and we'll have betrayed the security of the United Kingdom and be in prison for high treason. Magnussen is quite simply the most dangerous man we've ever encountered and the odds are comprehensively stacked against us.
John: But it's Christmas.
Sherlock: I feel the same. Oh, you mean it's actually Christmas. Did you bring your gun as I suggested?
John: Why would I bring my gun to your parents' house for Christmas dinner?
Sherlock: Is it in your coat?
John: I don't understand.
Charles Magnussen: You should have that on a t-shirt.
John: I still don't understand.
Charles Magnussen: And there's the back of the t-shirt.
Charles Magnussen: There's nothing to be done. Oh, I'm not a villain. I have no evil plan. I'm a businessman, acquiring assets. You happen to be one of them. Sorry, no chance for you to be a hero this time, Mr. Holmes.
Sherlock: Oh, do your research. I'm not a hero. I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Merry Christmas! (shoot him dead)