Ed: There are two things I will not pay more than $5 for: Christmas presents and a cup of coffee.
Henry: Yet, when I was nine, you got me a cup of coffee for Christmas.
Ed: You know what I got for Christmas when I was nine? Tetanus.

Henry: I'm not feeling at my best these days, dad. I don't want to get rejected.
Ed: Henry, let women figure out why they won't sleep with you. Don't you do it for them.
Henry: That's oddly motivating.

Ed: USA Today. It's like somebody gave a box of crayons to a pack of monkeys. That's what they came up with.

Henry: I'll have a vodka tonic.
Ed: Oh, you want a little umbrella and an Oprah magazine with that? I don't even drink booze and I drink harder stuff than that.

Marla: This one drives like a Vietcong motorcycle messenger.
Ed: I love a good V.C. joke.

Bonnie: Oh, but here's a great picture of your dad and Dom Deluise.
Vince: Oh, no, that's my grandmother. Don't worry. I take after my other grandmother.
Bonnie: Okay. Oh, here's a neat picture of your dad and Don Rickles.
Vince: No, that's my other grandmother. You see what I mean?