Henry: Typewriter? Really? Must accidentally set my time machine back in 1955.
Ed: Maybe you can set it back to 1983. And hand me a condom.

Katie Palmer: So is there a Mrs. Henry?
Henry: Well, my dad calls me Mrs. Henry. But I'm not married.

Ed: Well, I realized that my feelings for Root Beer are not about Root Beer. I think I'm trying to make up for, uh, lost time with someone else.
Vince: You hear that, Bon? Go on, dad.
Ed: When I was younger, there was a special little guy that needed me.
Vince: It's true. There was.
Ed: And where was I? Not there. I was working long hours at the hospital.
Vince: Yeah, I remember that.
Ed: I was stern when I should have been gentle. I was absent when I should have been present. And I couldn't give him what he needed. Now it's too late to tell him.
Vince: Oh, dad, it's never too late. Come on... Tell me. What is it you want to say to me?
Ed: You? I was talking about Schwarzkopf.
Bonnie: You were talking about your old dog?
Ed: Yeah. I wish I'd been a better dad to him.

Henry: I went on a date with her crazy-ass boss.
Ed: Well, you said you wanted someone crazy.
Henry: Yeah... Playboy Mansion crazy, not Bates Motel crazy.
Bonnie: What are you talking about?
Henry: She did something so profound and so disturbing to me that it would make german pornographers blush.
Bonnie: Ouch.
Henry: "Ouch" would be the word. Unfortunately, not the safe word.

Henry: You're telling me there is no such thing as pure white paint?
Donna: Well, white is a misnomer. What you're probably talking about is an ecru, eggshell, pearl, bone, Navajo.
Henry: This is fascinating.
Donna: What's really fascinating is that it goes on white, but when you watch it dry, it changes hue.
Henry: So your job is to watch paint dry?
Donna: It's not so much a job as it is a passion.