Ed: Oh, my God. What the hell happened to Paula Abdul? She looks terrible.
Henry: Dad, that's Steven Tyler.
Ed: Oh. He looks good. Oh, my God, what happened to Oprah? She looks terrible.
Bonnie: That's Randy Jackson.
Ed: Oh. He looks good.

Rosemary Pernworth: I need to be courted.
Ed: Hey, listen, I've been married three times. And each one of them took me to court. I'm done courting.
Rosemary Pernworth: Well, I still believe in romance. Ed, I'm not gonna just go upstairs with someone I barely know just to have some fun for a couple of hours.
Ed: Couple of hours? You planning on watching a movie afterwards?

Ed: You're a woman, right?
Bonnie: Well, if I'm not, I'm wasting a lot of money at the gynecologist.

Ed: I'm not paying $100 for a pair of pants that are ripped.
Craigery: They're not ripped. They're distressed. It makes them cost more.
Ed: In that case, I'm wearing an $80 pair of underwear.