The opening scene is in a doctor’s office. Randy Marsh is being looked by a doctor. After some examination, he tells Randy he is definitely constipated. Randy adds to the conversation by telling him he has not crapped in three weeks, and that he’s mostly been eating P.F. Chang’s. The doctor prescribes Randy a laxative that should help him.
At home, Randy is attempting to pass his stool. After much work it finally comes. Randy is relieved. An on-screen notice pops up with the words “AWARD WINING EMMY SERIES,” accompanied by an Emmy statue. When he gets up and looks down at his crap, he’s amazed at how big it is. One by one, the rest of his family enter the bathroom where Randy is now showcasing his pride. Sharon and Shelly don’t see what’s so great about it. Before he flushes it, Randy tells Stan to get Jimbo, just so he has proof of his giant crap when he’s at the bar.
Later, Randy enters the town bar and is welcomed by the other guys. Jimbo tells everyone about Randy’s monstrous crap. Gerald pips in, telling the guys his brother once took a huge crap, maybe the biggest of all time. This doesn’t go over well with Randy, who clearly wants to be the center of attention. He eventually takes the guys back to his house where he has been keeping the now legendary crap. They’re shocked and ask him to consider calling the Guinness Book of World Records about it. Soon after, he does. The lady that answers tells him that they don’t keep that record, but the European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office in Zurich does.
Randy sends them a picture and they immediately leave Switzerland for the United States.
The three men from Zurich closely examine Randy’s displayed crap. They ask him a few questions before telling him his crap officially weighs in at 8.6 courics. One couric, as in Katie Couric, is equal to 2.5 pounds. Randy’s 8.6 couric crap is the new record. He’s ecstatic. The Zurich men decide to call the previous record holder, who happens to be U2’s singer, Bono. Ironically enough, the call interrupts him as he’s accepting an award.
At the White House in Washington, Randy is about to be given his award when the ceremony is stopped when Bono sends a video message. He states that the previous night he took a crap weighing 9.5 courics. Randy’s record is already broken.
Now back in South Park, Randy is devastated. He’s heartbroken that he came so close to actually being of something he made. Later at the bar, all the guys are mopping around about Bono’s new record crap. After some convincing and words of encouragement, the guys convince Randy to train and beat Bono’s record.
While in Africa, helping the needy apparently, Bono receives a phone call. It’s the FSM telling him Randy is attempting to break his record again. This angers Bono, who tells them that Randy has to take the crap in Zurish this time, in front of the committee. Back in South Park, Randy is in a hospital bed receiving an ultrasound. The doctor estimates his crap to weigh in at about 14 courics. Gerald enters, having just talked to the FSM. He tells Randy that he has to crap in Zurich. Meanwhile, Stan goes to Bono’s mansion in an attempt to reason with him. He tells Bono how his father has never won anything in his life, and to just let this one award go. Bono is offended when Stan tells him to be number two, and eventually leaves. Bono’s butler tells Stan that his father is in trouble and they leave.
Back in Zurich, Randy is attempting to crap with the committee present, but things don’t look good. He’s having trouble getting it out. The butler is driving Stan there as he explains Bono’s secret. It turns out Bono doesn’t really hold the record, he actually is the record. Bono is crap himself. Randy now gives up on the crap, stating it’s just too big. Stan quickly enters the room and reveals to everyone Bono’s secret.
Brolof, the head of the FSM comes forward. He explains to all that he crapped out Bono in 1960, and took care of him. His crap grew and grew in to what Bono is today. So upset at really being a number two, Bono strived to be number one in everything. But this also means that all 6 foot, and 80 courics of Bono is still the record.
Suddenly, Randy begins to shout. His crap is coming and it’s huge. It sends him upwards and he’s soon taller than everyone else in the room, perched at the top of his giant turd. The FSM committee estimates it to weigh over 100 courics. Randy is finally given his overdue award. “EMMY AWARD WINNING SERIES” appears on the screen again, accompanied by an Emmy statue, which a FSM member takes from the screen and shoves in to his crap. Everyone applauds. Share this article with your friends