Episode Quotes
McCoy: I know when something doesn't strike me right, and he doesn't.
Spock: Specifics, Doctor. Labels do not make arguments.
McCoy: All right. There's something wrong about a man who never smiles, whose conversation never varies from the routine of the job, and who won't talk about his background.
Spock: I see.
McCoy: Spock... I mean, that it's, uh... it's odd for a non-Vulcan. Um... the ears make all the difference.
Spock: I find your argument strewn with gaping defects in logic.
McCoy: Maybe, but you can't evaluate a man by logic alone. Besides, he has avoided two appointments for his physical exam that I've made for his physical exam without reason.
Spock: That's not at all surprising, Doctor. He's probably terrified of your beads and rattles.
Norman: There is a word. Among us, there is no corresponding meaning. But it seems to mean something to you humans.
Kirk: And what is that word?
Norman: "Please."
Chekov: You know this man, Captain?
Kirk: Do I know him? Harcourt Fenton Mudd, thief...
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: Oh, come now.
Kirk: ...swindler and con man...
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: Entrepreneur!
Kirk: ...liar and rogue!
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: Did I leave you with that impression?
Kirk: He belongs in jail. Which is where I thought I left you, Mudd.
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: And thereby hangs a tale, yes.
Kirk: All right, Harry, explain. How did you get here? We left you in custody after that affair on the planet Rigel.
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: Yes. I organized a technical information service--bringing modern industrial techniques to backward planets, making available certain valuable patents to struggling young civilizations throughout the galaxy.
Kirk: Did you pay royalties to the owners of those patents?
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: Well... actually, Kirk, as a defender of the free-enterprise system, I found myself in a... in a rather ambiguous conflict as a matter of principle.
Spock: He did not pay royalties.
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: Knowledge, sir, should be free to all!
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: Do you know what the penalty for fraud is on Deneb Five?
Spock: The guilty party has his choice: death by electrocution, death by gas, death by phaser, death by hanging...
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: The key word in your entire peroration, Mr. Spock, was "death." Barbarians. Well, of course, I left.
Kirk: He broke jail.
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: I borrowed transportation.
Kirk: He stole a spaceship.
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: The patrol reacted in a hostile manner!
Kirk: They fired at him!
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: They've got no respect for private property--they damaged the bloody spaceship!
Spock: You went to substantial risk and effort to bring a starship here. Logically, you must have a compelling motive.
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: Spock, you're going to love it here. They all talk just the way you do.
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: You see, gentlemen, behind every great man, there is a woman... urging him on. And so it was with my Stella. She urged me on into outer space. Uh, not that she meant to. But with her continual, eternal, confounded nagging, well, I think of her constantly. And every time I do, I go further out into space.
Kirk: Well, opinions?
Chekov: I think we're in a lot of trouble.
Kirk: That's a great help, Mr. Chekov. Bones?
Dr. McCoy: Well, I think Mr. Chekov's right. We are in a lot of trouble.
Kirk: Spock? And if you say we're in a lot of trouble...
Spock: We are.
Chekov: What a shame you're not real.
Alice 322: We are real, my lord.
Chekov: Oh, I mean, real girls.
Alice 118: We are programmed to function as human females, lord.
Chekov: You are?
Alice 118 and Alice 322: (in unison) Yes, my lord.
Chekov: Harry Mudd programmed you?
Alice 118 and Alice 322: (in unison) Yes, my lord.
Chekov: That unprincipled, evil-minded, lecherous kulak Harry Mudd programmed you?
Alice 118 and Alice 322: (in unison) Yes, my lord.
Chekov: This place is even better than Leningrad!
Alice 471: Which wants and desires of yours are not fulfilled?
Kirk: We want the Enterprise.
Alice 471: The Enterprise is not a want or a desire. It is a mechanical device.
Kirk: No. It's a beautiful lady, and we love her.
Norman: Your species is self-destructive. You need our help.
Kirk: We prefer to help ourselves. We make mistakes, but we're human. And maybe that's the word that best explains us.
Spock: Whatever method we use to stop them, we must make haste. They have only to install some cybernetic devices aboard the Enterprise, and they'll be able to leave orbit.
McCoy: How do you know so much?
Spock: I asked them.
McCoy: Oh.
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: Now listen, Spock. You may be a wonderful science officer, but believe me, you couldn't sell fake patents to your mother.
Spock: I fail to understand why I should care to induce my mother to purchase falsified patents.
Kirk: Why, Harry, I do believe you're putting on weight!
Chekov: What's next, Captain?
Kirk: Next... we take the Alices on a trip through Wonderland!
Chekov: (to Dr. McCoy and Scotty) Thank you, gentlemen. (to Uhura) Thank you, lovely lady. You dance diwinely.
Uhura: Thank you, kind sir.
(She hits him with the back of her right hand, knocking him to the ground)
Alice #118: Why does she strike him?
Captain Kirk: She likes him.
Spock: I love you. However, I hate you.
Alice 210: But... I am identical in every way with Alice 27.
Spock: Yes, of course. That is exactly why I hate you. Because you are identical. (the Alices freeze) Fascinating.
Spock: (to Norman) Logic is a little tweeting bird chirping in the meadow. Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers that smell bad. Are you sure your circuits are registering correctly? Your ears are green.
Kirk: What is man but that lofty spirit... that sense of enterprise, that devotion to something that cannot be sensed, cannot be realized, but only dreamed. The highest reality!
Norman: But there was no explosion.
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: I lied.
Norman: But...
Kirk: He lied. Everything Harry tells you is a lie. Remember that. Everything Harry tells you is a lie.
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: Now, listen to this carefully, Norman. I am lying.
Norman: You say you are...lying, but if everything you say is a lie then you are telling the truth but you cannot tell the truth because everything you say is a lie but you lie, you tell the truth, but you cannot for you lie. Illogical. Illogical! Please explain. You are human, only humans can explain their behavior. Please explain.
Kirk: I am not programmed to respond in that area.
Norman: But there was no explosion.
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: I lied.
Norman: But...
Kirk: He lied. Everything Harry tells you is a lie. Remember that. Everything Harry tells you is a lie.
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: Now, listen to this carefully, Norman. I am lying.
Norman: You say you are...lying, but if everything you say is a lie then you are telling the truth but you cannot tell the truth because everything you say is a lie but you lie, you tell the truth, but you cannot for you lie. Illogical. Illogical! Please explain. You are human, only humans can explain their behavior. Please explain.
Kirk: I am not programmed to respond in that area.
McCoy: Well, you must be very unhappy, Mr. Spock.
Spock: That is a human emotion, doctor, with which I am totally unfamiliar. How could I be unhappy?
McCoy: Well, we found a whole world of minds that worked just like yours. Logical, unemotional, completely pragmatic. And we poor, irrational humans whipped them in a fair fight. Now you'll find yourself back among us illogical humans again.
Spock: Which I find eminently satisfactory, doctor. For nowhere am I so desperately needed as among a shipload of illogical humans.
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: Kirk, I'm no scientist.
Kirk: No, you're an irritant. You'll stay here and provide a first-class example to the androids of a human failure. They'll learn by close observation how to avoid ones like you in the future.
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: How long?
Kirk: As long as you continue to be an irritant, Harry. It's up to you.
Kirk: Oh, there's one more thing. We've programmed a special android attendant to take care of your every need. She'll help you find an incentive to work with the androids and not exploit them.
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: I call that unexpectedly civil of you, Captain.
Kirk: Yes.
Stella 1: Harcourt! Harcourt Fenton Mudd, what have you been up to? Have you been drinking again? You answer me!
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: Shut up.
Stella 1: You miserable, conniving toad!
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: I order you, shut up!
Stella 1: Going out all night and giving me silly stories!
Stella 2: Harcourt!
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: Aaahhh!
Stella 2: Harcourt Fenton Mudd, you've been overeating again, and drinking!
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: Kirk, you can't do this. It's inhuman!
Stella 2: You need constant supervision. My work's cut out for me.
Stella 1: Harcourt!
Stella 500: Have you ever seen a worm in alcohol! You're on a regular schedule!
Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd: No. Number 500?
