Kirk: How close will we come to the Klingon outpost if we continue on course?
Chekov: One parsec, sir. Close enough to smell them.
Spock: Odors cannot travel through the vacuum of space.
Chekov: I was making a little joke, sir.
Spock: Extremely little, Ensign.
Chekov: The area was first mapped by the famous Russian astronomer Ivan Borkov almost...
Spock: John Burke.
Chekov: Burke, sir? I don't think so. I'm sure it was...
Spock: John Burke was the chief astronomer at the Royal Academy in Old Britain.
Chekov: Oh, Royal Academy. Oh, well...
Kirk: is the rest of your history that faulty, Ensign?
Nilz Baris: That was my order, Captain.
Lurry: Captain Kirk, this is Nilz Baris. He's out from Earth to take charge of the development project.
Kirk: That gives you the authority to call a defense alert?
Lurry: Mr. Baris is the Federation Under secretary
in Charge of Agricultural Affairs in this quadrant.
Spock: That gives him the authority.
Nilz Baris: How dare you authorize a mere two men for a project of this importance? Starfleet Command...
Kirk: I have never questioned the orders or the intelligence of any representative of the Federation... until now.
Trader: I told you before, and I'm telling you again, I don't want any more spike and flame gems. Thanks to you, I have enough to last a lifetime.
Cyrano Jones: How sad for you. You won't find a finer stone anywhere. But I have something better. Surely you want some... Antarian glow water.
Trader: I use that to polish the flame gems.
Trader: Four credits.
Cyrano Jones: Is that an offer or a joke?
Trader: That's my offer.
Cyrano Jones: That's a joke.
Koloth: As I've already told Mr. Lurry, the purpose of my presence is to invoke shore leave rights.
Kirk: Shore leave?
Koloth: Captain, we Klingons are not as luxury-minded as you Earthers. We do not equip our ships with... how shall I say it? Nonessentials.
Spock: A most curious creature, Captain. Its trilling seems to have a tranquilizing effect on the human nervous system. (stroking it gently) Fortunately, of course, I am ... immune to its effect.
McCoy: Do you mind if I take one to see what makes it tick?
Uhura: All right, but if you're going to dissect it, I don't want to know.
McCoy: I won't harm a hair on its head, wherever that is.
Nilz Baris: Kirk, this station is swarming with Klingons.
Kirk: I wasn't aware, Mr. Baris, that 12 Klingons constitutes a swarm.
Nilz Baris: Captain Kirk, there are Klingon soldiers on this station. Now, I want you to keep that grain safe.
Kirk: Mr. Baris, I have guards around the grain. I have guards around the Klingons. The only reason those guards are there is because Starfleet wants them there. As for what you want... it has been noted and logged. Kirk out.
McCoy: Do you know what you get when you feed a tribble too much?
Kirk: A fat tribble.
McCoy: No, you get a whole bunch of hungry little tribbles.
Kirk: Well, all I can suggest is that you open a maternity ward.
Scotty: When are you going to get off that milk diet?
Chekov: This is vodka.
Scotty: Where I come from, that's soda pop. This is a drink for a man.
Chekov: It was invented by a little old lady from Leningrad.
Korax: Well, frankly, I never liked Earthers. They remind me of Regulan blood worms.
Chekov: That Cossack.
Scotty: Easy, lad. You ought to be more forgiving.
Korax: No. I just remembered. There is one Earth man who doesn't remind me of a Regulan blood worm. That's Kirk. A Regulan blood worm is soft and shapeless, but Kirk isn't soft. Kirk may be a swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with delusions of godhood, but he's not soft.
Scotty: Take it easy, lad. Everybody's entitled to an opinion.
Korax: That's right, and if I think that Kirk is a Denebian slime devil, well, that's my opinion, too.
Scotty: Don't do it, and that's an order.
Chekov: You heard what he called the captain.
Scotty: Forget it. It's not worth fighting for. We're big enough to take a few insults. Now, drink your drink.
Korax: Of course, I'd say that Captain Kirk deserves his ship. We like the Enterprise. We -- we really do. That sagging old rust bucket is designed like a garbage scow. Half the quadrant knows it. That's why they're learning to speak Klingoni.
Chekov: Mr. Scott!
Scotty: Laddie, don't you think you should... rephrase that?
Korax: You're right. I should. I didn't mean to say that the Enterprise should be hauling garbage. I meant to say that it should be hauled away as garbage.
(Scotty throws the first punch)
Kirk: You were supposed to prevent trouble, Mr. Scott.
Scotty: Aye, Captain.
Kirk: Who threw the first punch?
Scotty: I did, Captain.
Kirk: You did, Mr. Scott? What caused it, Scotty?
Scotty: They insulted us, sir.
Kirk: Must have been some insult.
Scotty: Aye, it was.
Kirk: You threw the first punch.
Scotty: Aye. Chekov wanted to, but I held him back.
Kirk: You held... why did Chekov want to start a fight?
Scotty: Um... well, the Klingons, sir... Is this off the record?
Kirk: No. This is not off the record.
Scotty: Well, Captain, uh... the Klingons called you, uh... a tin-plated, overbearing, swaggering dictator with delusions of godhood.
Kirk: Is that all?
Scotty: No, sir. They also compared you with a Denebian slime devil.
Kirk: I get the picture.
Scotty: Yes, sir.
Kirk: After they said all this, that's when you hit the Klingons?
Scotty: No, sir.
Scotty: No, uh ... I didn't. You told us to avoid trouble.
Kirk: Oh, yes.
Scotty: Well, I didn't see that it was worth fighting about. After all, we're big enough to take a few insults. Aren't we?
Kirk: What was it they said that started the fight?
Scotty: They called the Enterprise a garbage scow... sir.
Kirk: I see. And... that's when you hit the Klingons?
Scotty: Yes, sir.
Kirk: You hit the Klingons because they insulted the Enterprise, not because they...
Scotty: Well, sir, this was a matter of pride.
Kirk: All right, Scotty. Dismissed. Oh... Scotty, you're restricted to quarters until further notice.
Scotty: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. That'll give me a chance to catch up on my technical journals.
McCoy: It's a human trait to love little animals, especially if they're attractive in some way.
Spock: Doctor, I am well aware of human traits, I am frequently inundated by them, but I've trained myself to put up with just about anything.
McCoy: Spock, I don't know much about these things, but I do know one thing. I like them...better than I like you!
Spock: Doctor, they do indeed have one redeeming quality.
McCoy: What's that?
Spock: They do not talk too much.
McCoy: And from my observations, it seems (the tribbles) are bisexual, reproducing at will. And, brother, have they got a lot of will.
Nilz Barris: Captain Kirk, I consider your security measures a disgrace. In my opinion, you have taken this important project far too lightly.
Kirk: On the contrary, sir, I think of this project as very important. It is you I take lightly.
Kirk: You should sell an instruction manual with this.
Cyrano Jones: If I did, what would happen to man's search for knowledge?
Nilz Baris: There must be thousands of them!
Kirk: Tens of thousands.
Spock: One million seven hundred seventy one thousand five hundred and sixty one.
Spock: That's assuming one tribble, multiplying with an average litter of ten producing a new litter every twelve hours over a period of three days.
Kirk: There's one thing you can do.
Cyrano Jones: Yes?
Kirk: Pick up every tribble on the space station. If you do that, I'll speak to Mr. Lurry about returning your spaceship.
Cyrano Jones: That would take years.
Spock: 17.9 to be exact.
Cyrano Jones: 17.9 years.
Kirk: Consider it job security.
Kirk: I don't see any tribbles around here.
McCoy: And you won't find a tribble on this entire ship.
Kirk: How did you do that?
McCoy: I cannot take credit for another man's work. Scotty did it.
Kirk: Scotty! Where are the tribbles?
Scotty: Oh, um, Captain, it was really Mr. Spock's recommendation.
Kirk: Of course. Spock.
Spock: Based on computer analysis, of course, taking into account the possibilities of...
Kirk: Gentlemen, I don't want to interrupt this mutual admiration society, but I'd like to know where the tribbles are.
McCoy: Tell him, Spock.
Spock: Well, it was Mr. Scott who performed the actual engineering.
Kirk: Mr. Scott. Where are the tribbles?
Scotty: I used the transporter, Captain.
Kirk: You used the transporter?
Kirk: Where did you transport them? Scott, you didn't transport them into space, did you?
Scotty: Captain Kirk, that would be inhuman.
Kirk: Where are they?
Scotty: I gave them a good home.
Scotty: I gave them to the Klingons.
Kirk: You gave them to the Klingons?
Scotty: Aye. Before they went into warp, I transported the whole kit and caboodle into their engine room, where they'll be no tribble at all.