Matt: Where did you go?
Danny: I went to a place called say it, say it, say it, I said it.
Matt: You were right you know.
Danny: About what?
Matt: We do live here now.
Danny: Merry Christmas.
Matt: Merry Christmas.
Matt: Say it.
Matt: Just say it out loud.
Danny: (to Jordan) I've been married twice before and I'm a recovering cocaine addict. And I know that's no woman's dream of a man, or of a father. Nonetheless, I believe I'm falling in love with you. If you want to run, I understand. But you better get a good head start, because I'm coming for you, Jordan.
Matt: What's he doing?
Cal: There'll be reindeer on the balcony. He's waving at them.
Matt: He's doing that Nazi salute.
Cal: Let's get rid of demented Santa Claus!
Tommy: See, Lucy, I'm sort of an astronomy buff.
Simon: Loser. The word is loser.
Danny: Why won't you tell me who the father is?
Jordan: You don't know him.
Danny: I don't want to know him.
Jordan: How do you know?
Danny: Beause if he was someone I wanted to know he'd be here.
Jordan: What makes you think I told him?
Danny: Because I do know you.
Matt: Danny, why were you at the doctor?
Danny: I wanted to be.
Doctor: There is a small chance we can determine the sex on ultrasound. Are you interested?
Jordan: No. Yes! No. Yes! No!
Danny: She’ll take yes. And, by the way, doc, if you don’t detect any maleness on the first pass, don’t necessarily assume it’s a girl. The biological father is only a fraction of a man to begin with.
Matt: They calculated number of homes with children and the average weight of two presents per child.
Danny: What did they come up with?
Matt: He'd need 214,200 reindeer pulling the sleigh weighing 321,000 tons at 3,000 times the speed of sound.
Simon: What'd you need?
Matt: Any Christmas ideas you might have.
Tom: There's no such thing as the star of Bethlehem.
Simon: Jesus was born in North Africa! How come in paintings it always looks like he's one of the Bee Gees?
Matt: How is it I'm Jewish, and I'm the only one with Christmas spirit? Come to think of it, how is it I'm in the only Jew in a comedy writer's room?